Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Positive Thoughts

If you wanna be who you wanna be, begin the walk to where you wanna be.
Live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not yet come. “Today is a gift, that is why it is called a ‘present’”
************************************************************************************
Wake up happy…chase a cloud…laugh out loud…whistle a tune. Whisper a promise. Savor a memory.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Live and you shall love living. Love and you shall live to love. Life will be all that is worth!
Live while you can live. Love while love lasts…
************************************************************************************
I’m sitting in the class my brows knit together, lips shut tight and my eyes barely open. My head is bursting with pain. I’m getting backache too. And teacher is standing in front of us, abusing us as the bunch of idiots. And he thinks we won’t succeed. I sit here and think he doesn’t know what he is speaking. Who has seen the potential in us?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Look at the present…grasp what you can get but don’t grope for what you don’t need. Be happy and live each day as a new day.
************************************************************************************
Live life in the way it ought to be lived and you will find that you like to live in the way it ought to be lived
************************************************************************************
You can share but you can’t solely live your life for someone else

I sat there thinking of him…those beautiful moments. I have never been surer of anything. I loved him like I have never known love.
************************************************************************************
I was the only one sitting lonesome and lost. I looked around to see if I could catch some familiar faces…but there was none. I longed for the homely feel, the fragrance of love and affection. But to my dismay, I could only see more strangers. They were looking my way but they didn’t seem friendly. They glanced and walked off in a pride of egoistic manner. I was a dirt in the mass. I knew I was noticed and seen but no one cared enough to even utter a ‘hi’. I minded but less. I learnt to live in the rags of human pride and ignorance. I learnt to be myself.
If you want to be a human, you have to piece your life with others’. You are not born to be arrogant. You are born to love and be loved in return.
************************************************************************************
Seeing people lazing around basking their thoughts in the luxury of desires grips me with an insuppressible pain

Even if it was for a moment, it was a moment I could never forget. It was a moment of complete luxury. A moment of complete freedom. A moment of complete happiness. A moment of sheer joy. A moment just of ourselves.

A true word never hurts in the end and a false word is never said to a true person

Love him and love shall grow in your heart. Care him and you will know what it is to really care about someone.

Death swoops over…it will hit you in your heart, cut it into twain and leave you aghast. Your soul wanders in a fruitless space….

Belief in yourself is the hope of confidence that you can be what you think you can be.
Love isn’t love if it can’t breed love

Love never loses. You never lose anything by loving. If you feel you are wrong to love another person, look closer.
************************************************************************************
It was a lonely day. A day of tedious walk through a very lonely road. No one seemed to have passed by that road. I could only see small figures far away in the field. I went on walking, enjoying the serenity of the remote locality. I had not walked 5 minutes when I saw a small form beside the road. Curiosity got the better of me – looking closer, I found that it was a baby. She seemed to have been a cast away. An instant love and compassion overpowered me. I even felt tears in my eyes looking at the cruelty of the human intellectual. It seemed they knew nothing better and nothing good. The baby looked so fragile. As I gently touched her face, she didn’t stir a brow…and oh yes, she opened her eyes. Such a beautiful piece. She hasn’t known the harshness of the world. Neither has she borne hatred towards it. I couldn’t leave such loving soul there in the world of a jungle to bear the coldness of the other souls. She babbled something – a child’s talk of love. I knew I wasn’t sent up that road for nothing…I was meant to save her as she was.
************************************************************************************

Letter to L on New year (2007)

1st January 2007
Dear L,

Here is another year and it reminds us of the year we have lived so much in fun and yet, it reminds us that we have grown a year older. I still remember the dreams we built and wishes we held deep in our heart – we thought we could really be who we want to be and we so ardently wanted to achieve something not many in history did. And here we are today, standing just where everybody stood for ages and we find that we haven’t done anything extraordinary. But, L, I know that we can still hope because, our life isn’t yet exhausted. I’m sure we can bring changes if we really try hard.


We have always talked of the beautiful times we had together and today again, I can’t help but refer to that – it was the most beautiful moments of our lives. I know we both would choose to have it once again, if we were given a choice. But, we have to go forward and look for what life can give.


L, I may not be here to call you and talk to you about how grateful I’m for having a friend like you on this very day but I would like you to know that I would be thinking of you and remembering our old days once again, making a wish that we could still have more times together that would bind us closer and teach us more about life. I may be at the time of New Year, away from the capital and in the remote villages of the east but I will still wish for you the best of everything.

I’m glad that you have found someone who can really touch your heart. I knew this will happen to you sooner or later. We are all born to be a part of someone – this teaches us how truly we can love and be true to not just ourselves but another person. It teaches us the meaning of integrity and faithfulness and that I assume is an integral part of morality itself and in essence Buddhism. By this, I’m trying to tell you that you shouldn’t chide yourself for having fallen in love because this is not a sin. I may sound like I’m trying to defend myself for having gotten married, but that isn’t my intention. I feel that it is good to have someone you can turn to in the immediate needs of dire situations and someone you can hold to your heart and know that you have someone who is truly your own.

Be happy that you have found that someone who can look you in the eyes and make you feel the tingle in your heart; someone who can hold your hand and make you get these fluffy feelings; be happy that you have found that someone who can walk with you in all moments of life. And be happy that you have found that someone who can give you the most of what life can’t.

L, on this day, I would like to wish the very best for not just this year to bring you all your wishes on your palm but also for your relationship to see the years roll by standing strong on them.

Here is my humble gift for you on this New Year. It is a very good book written by John R. Trimble. I thought this would help you know more on writing. It helps a lot.

Happy New Year. May the year bring you all the pleasantries of life.

Truly, a friend, Kuenzang.

Sayings (Buddhism)

“Commit not a single unwholesome action,
Cultivate wealth of virtue,
Tame this mind of ours,
This is the teaching of Buddha.”

“Contentment is natural wealth,
Luxury is artificial poverty.”

“Man, in longing to be happy,
In his ignorance,
Destroys his happiness as if it were his worst enemy.”

“Don’t sacrifice your long-term happiness for short-term pleasure.”


“All of man’s difficulties arise from his inability to sit quietly in a room.”


Beautiful snatches from sentences

Ø Frightening silence settled.

Ø Choose the difficult right over the easy wrong.

Ø My morale took the lift again

Ø Black as pitch

Ø I got clean away

Ø Distantly and only fleetingly attainable.

Ø Fairly delicate mockery

Ø You didn’t love him=no, but it still gave pleasure.

Living in Fear

When you have no freedom to act the way you want, there is always the desire to go on with what you want to do and the fear that blocks it. You are with a friend and you have the fear that your elder won’t like it. You just hang around with friends and there comes the fear again…when you have no act of freedom, it is like being in some kind of hell. The desire soars and the fear kills. Then your life becomes a marsh of sinking sorrow. You feel like you can never be happy. Of course you won’t be unless you can be the person you want to be.

Is Marriage a Solution?

When life is closing up on me, I feel a shudder of sadness enveloping me in almost a misery. Marriage doesn’t seem a haven to me. I wish I could enjoy my individuality as far as I want.
**************************************************************
The summer heat was scorching the very bone in my body. I was dying of thirst and my leg couldn’t carry me any faster. Besides, with my small son on my back, I was drained of all strength. And finally when I saw a small cluster of cottages on descending a hill, I thought, God has come for my rescue.

It feels like I have been locked up and haven’t seen the light of the day for ages. I feel like I have forgotten even the color of the day and the hues of life. What do we call a life? In actuality, I even don’t possess this small understanding of what everyone calls life. Is it just every day you live? Or does it count how you live it?

How does it matter? Does understanding it make a difference? Are those fanatics who do not hesitate to put their lives off the ones who do not understand life’s meaning? If there is a meaning, what kind is it? Does it extend beyond your relation to your beloved, parents and relatives?

Is it really the woman who decides what happens? Isn’t there more to it than just words? It is a human tendency to flirt. Now, you do not pretend not to know anything. When opposite sexes come together, they usually have more to talk than they can hold. They blabber on the topics usually trivial but that can change something in both of them.

At this moment I feel like every sense in me has collapsed.

Calling Home

Would you believe that I still miss my parents like hell? I bet you won’t. But the thing is I do. I still miss them like this is the first time I am away from them. Huh…as big a girl as I am now, I oughta be living, knowing the things exactly the way they should be…but inside, I still feel the kid I was. We all have this kid nature and that gives us the fine nudge to things we do. We can’t always think elderly. We, one time or the other give up and feel the softness of this nature in us. That is when we feel so fragile and delicate, craving for being needed. I called home today and when I heard my mother’s voice, tears streamed down my cheeks. I was alone…that was better. At the other end of the phone, I heard my mother tell other people there that I was crying. But who cared? I called her, Ama…and I felt like the baby I was to her. She still cares me like a baby of course. And, in the blurry of tears, I laughed too with the joy of my mother’s voice sinking inside my heart. If there were two people who had been the greatest joy of my life, they were my parents.

My parents: they are people who have known that a penny earned is worth more than thousand stolen. They are people who have fought to survive in the mankind of evils. They are people who have learnt the hardships of life. They are people who know that you can’t get, if you haven’t given anything.

So, they are the two people who have raised me to grow up into the person I am now. My mother, gentle and loving, she has always been my supporter. She has always made me feel the life in the cushion of softer sides. She has never denied me anything and in her heart, I am still the child she carried and loved.

And my father, a man of principle, he has always been the one to teach me that I should speak when spoken to and I shouldn’t touch what doesn’t belong to me. To me, he was always that person who had perfected in life in some ways. When I was a kid walking beside him, I remember how proud I used to feel. To me, he was a man who knew the meaning of exactly what he was doing. And I would look up to him with awe at how much he knew. I won’t say I’m a person who has mastered in the fields of good principles but without having time to be beside my father during the golden days of my childhood, I would not know the difference between ‘being stolen’ and ‘given’. I really would not have known that, if someone told me to go to hell, he meant to curse me.

Today, when I heard their voice, I just couldn’t help…I just couldn’t tell those forces to stop. How important they are in my life and what a soul of endless virtues they are! I missed them so much and I wish they were with me. Smiling through the tears and biting my lips with determination, I gave my dream a refresh that I really was going to soon build exactly the tower of love and faith. It seemed like it was really very near, so beautiful and so fulfilling. I just needed a few elements…swish and everything would shine. It looked like a star twinkling in the sky. It looked like a stair to heaven. We would all take a stride together….

[This was written more than a year back when I had both my parents with me and I took it for granted that life would always be life and death wouldn’t become a part of our life so soon]

My trip to Bodh Gaya

I am so glad I could visit Bodh Gaya this year with my husband and mother. I have dreamt of it for quite long and when it finally came, it almost tantalized my feeling into something like fluffy pleasantries. It isn’t just the sight of the stupa that stands tall and spectacular. It is because of the weight of truth everyone is trying to look for in that place.

I know, we won’t find truth with a week’s stay there, nor with a month’s or a year’s, if we ain’t quite sure, what we are looking for is truth that Lord Buddha taught us thousands of years before. But, people there are all in deep meditation and prayer. Many are flawlessly making full body prostrations to the stupa. There is nothing else you can hear there but the sounds and music of dharma; of course, there are intermittent noises from the beggars outside. But it also makes us see the truth. It makes us see the unfairness that has born on us because of our past karma. We rarely try to understand it this way though.

We siblings dreamt for a very long time of going there with our parents. We lost our father before this could come true and this heavy reality made us even more determined to go there with Ama this year. This has woken us up from the dream like heaviness we were all sunk into. We always knew life was uncertain and death could come any time but the reality struck too strongly, in fact, too painfully on us when death snatched away our dear father. Though he wasn’t there with us during this trip, I held him in my prayer and I made special dedications for him during my week’s stay in Dorjidhen.

I sat there, looking at life very closely; tears flowed down my cheeks and I thought, I could have done it a long time ago.



Getting Back Together

I am once again driven into that state of laughter and fun. My friends are here after their graduation and we feel like we have been away from each other for ages.
We have one of our friends studying in RIM, undergoing FM course. We go there, chit-chat and come back home and blare in the moments of sheer joy. We feel like this is life and we never would be completely happy without one another.

It is like I was never married but still a young college going girl. We bubble together in the clouds of our imaginations and giggles. I felt those by-gone memories coming crashing on me too strong when we went for dinner one evening. The feeling was too chilling a sensation. We had missed each other so much and a dinner together wasn’t enough. My two friends Kinley and Karma stay with me at my house. We are together for days and still we had so much to talk about.

VIT – College where we studied was then just a mere object of our abuse because we missed home and wanted to come home. We were kind of tied in the dungeon hostel. It was hard to get permission from the warden to go anywhere out of station. (The rules became lenient after two years) We knew we would find more joy if we were allowed our freedom but that was not so. We however made it our home by finding joy within the walls of our hostel. We played games…games and games.

Now back at home, we find that we had found not just each other but ourselves. We had time to look closer at ourselves. We had time to study more than students at any other colleges. The campus is beautiful and conducive for studies. Though we at times thought it inconsiderate of warden not to allow us to go out, we were children to her. She understood our feelings despite those few unlikely things she did to us. (Like she seized our rice cooker)

Kinley is gone home and Karma is at her institute just now. But here I am, still relishing the memories and smiling over the days we so beautifully made.

Sense and Sensibility

Bhutanese, we say are modest and humble, filled with the sense of compassion and generosity. Bhutanese are, with long-preserved traditions and morals the pillars who have stood the test of time and have withstood even to this day the modernistic brass of its color. This is what the world is made to believe.

I was there on the film award festival and Bhutanese didn’t in the least seem to be civilized people. This shouldn’t hurt anyone because, it is something we see everyday though we don’t speak it out. People screamed, not cheer. People jeered and pushed others seeking their own comfort. It was understandable that everyone wanted to watch the show…but, where was the feeling of guilt in seeking something for himself? Where was the sense of being helpful? The crowd was consumed more in their own screaming noise than the music that came from the stage.

It rained a little earlier and the ground was all wet. And you know what? The police wanted everyone to be seated. One police, mercilessly dragged a man away because he was trying to enter inside without a ticket. I thought, what a shame. Couldn’t he have told the man that he wasn’t allowed to go in without the ticket? This made me think if the man was dumb. Seriously, police need not have dragged him to make him realize his tiny mistake by putting him into such shame.

You walk by the street and see people throwing papers away with no sense of guilt. Like Lungten wrote, even the retailers don’t show respect to the customers. Actually it is all a matter of common sense. The sense and sensibility of Bhutanese people I feel, has declined over the years. Do we call this generation decay?

On the way to Phajoding, there were group of students from Lungtenzampa School. There were quite a good number of them led by an Indian teacher. They were the nature club members. And do you know what they did? They had least care for the nature around them. They cared not a bit to litter the surroundings with the plastics and empty water bottles. This makes us question if our schools are really educating them.

Bhutanese have been subdued a little by the long-etched Buddhism. Otherwise, I can’t imagine how Bhutanese would be. Bhutanese carry an ego as big as their head. There however are few people who have really learnt through life and seen more of life but larger part of the population is ignorant. As someone said, Bhutan really is a hypocritical nation.

WHO WERE THEY KIDDING?

Young girls forget that they are going to age and soon, they will have to leave their cover. Looks is nothing but a façade. “Looks is a bonus”, I heard people say. And, it is true, but there is no one who is so ugly that it may doom her life. And they forget that one day they are going to become old and frail too.

I was in Punakha around a week back. I happened to go for Punakha Dromchhe though my purpose there was different. I was there among the many people gathered to witness His Holiness Jekhyenpo perform the historical ritual of throwing oranges (as a supposed ‘norb’). Everyone gathered was solemn and men swam into the river to get them, for they were blessed.

Across the river sat an old woman. I guessed she was around 75 years old. As she sighted His Holiness, she stood and prostrated. She didn’t mind the hard ground, though she was old and frail. Having prostrated she sat and then prayed in a long, enlightening tune. I was so touched that I even felt tears in my eyes. But there were girls sitting behind her, who mocked her. When the old woman was in deep silent prayer, they mocked her, asking to sing again. For them, it was a song. Who were they kidding? They didn’t realize the meaning of prayers, or its powers.

I think I should tell you here of another incident. I was in the bus coming to Thimphu from Phuentsholing a year back. There were girls at the back, who talked to the point of shouting. There was that man who was around 60 years old. They teased him and made fun. They teased him about things that they should have known were not to be talked at equals with men much elder to them. I know they were having a nice time, but was the man enjoying? I found it harsh for them to make fun of a man who had not treaded into their territory. May be it is just me who gets sensitive over small things like that. But, tell me, don’t you think it is something young people have to learn? I don’t think it is something you need to learn; you feel it inside. Those you do it are those who ignore their inner voice.

I feel like I complained a lot. In fact, I was trying to share just what kinda society we are breeding now. I feel more attached to the people who have aged and seen harsher part of life than those who have grown in the glass house and not known the meaning of what life is.



Tainted Blood

Tenzin was an outcast since he was nineteen. He started on drugs since he was in class eight, and since then, he was too abused and addicted to take the right move. He was hooked by what he started as a teenager's passion. Even his parents gave up on him and he didn't get enough affection from home. Since he didn't have proper guidance, he flapped around without much of a dream.It was in class ten, that his parents really got upset and turned their back on him. They tried, but they failed to make their son see what was good. Later when they tried to explain, he only abused them and stormed out of the house.Despite everything, he qualified for college, and he was soon going to college. One day, when he was walking back to college from town, he spotted a lonely girl walking before him. She was slim, pretty and gorgeous. He found himself scanning her from top to down. He caught up with her and then introduced himself. As they were walking casually to the college he found himself telling her his story. She took sympathy over him."I think you can leave your habit, if you really want to", Dema said. "It is only a matter of your will".

"God knows, I tried. I can't."

"Why don't you try just once more?"

"I've failed every time I made a move. I don't want to see myself failing again."
"There is no harm to try just once more."

To this Tenzin said that he would try. "Maybe I can this time. There was no one who cared me enough...”

Soon they started seeing each other often. She was like a counselor. She pitied him being flunked in the flood of addiction. She gave him moral support, the hope to live well, and the courage to see tomorrow.

Nothing Dema did go in vain. He sensed the change in himself. He cut down on his habits and when he was in second year, he had called a quit to it. He did well academically and became a well-fit man in the society-smart...cocky...but a decent man. So many girls eyed him with deep emotion but he had little time for them-he had already someone else in his heart. Though they spent time together on hours end, they were not aware that they were in love. Only when one day, Dema showed him a love letter from one guy from her class did he realize what he felt for her. A spasm of jealousy crept through in his heart. With the letter crumpled in his hand, he was speechless, staring blankly. Then, he took her hand in his, turned towards her and hugged her. His lips were on hers…”I love you”. He held her close to him never to let go. They belonged to their own world now. The three years of their degree completed soon…the years passed in a flash, with nothing left to worry about. They got satisfying jobs after they graduated and they were quite content with their lives. Life was easy, interesting and happy….but their happiness didn’t last long. Might be, it was never meant to.

After a year, he started coming home late. God knows where he went or what he was up to. Dema didn’t say a word. She gave him time to realize his mistake but a man who already had the dip in bad habit didn’t take so much of a thought to check his action. Though she knew he was acting strange, she feared to check up on him lest she would find the worst. But still, taking all the courage she had, she decided to find out what was wrong. And to her horror, she found drugs in his drawer, some pictures of a girl and letters (letters they had exchanged). It was so much for her to take in all at once. She knew she had to confront him. She couldn’t let him go this way. He would ruin her life too. So that evening, she waited for him in the sitting room watching some news on the TV. “Hi, so got back?” she asked. “Yeah….was busy with all the works I couldn’t put off”, he replied. “I see, you work so hard”, she retorted sarcastically. “What are you trying to say?” he looked at her sheepishly.

“I think its time we talked. Let’s not play this game…. I know what you are up to”. He only looked at her hard, not knowing what to say or where to start. What was there to say, when he knew he was on the wrong?

“Come on tell me…. Speak it out. There is nothing you have to fear. It’s easy with me; you can do anything you please. At least that’s how you take it… if you don’t know, I’m a big girl now and I know what is going on around me”.

“Umm…. I didn’t mean to do this Dema. You won’t believe me, but I really didn’t intend to do all this. If you will forgive me, I will make up. I will be a man….”“Tell me who the girl is. You guys want only these modern thugs with whom you can rock and roll, ain’t it? I should have known that I wasn’t enough for you”. He looked up at her, flared in anger. “Darn, she wanted it”. To this Dema said, “Do as you please but lemme make sure that you do this again and we are off”. He was sober and good to her only for few days. One day, he reached home ragged mad. She pushed him off when he tried to touch her and the flare-up started again. He forgot his promises. He rebuked her and luckily she escaped when he tried raising his hands on her. She was driven into misery. Grieved, torn and betrayed, she was in a dilemma. The next morning he apologized again and asked for a second chance. “I love you Dema. I’m really sorry. I know I need to quit this….and yet again, I find myself getting into it somehow and I just go mad. Dema, I love you. Please don’t leave me”. She tolerated the contempt, his rudeness and hypocrisy. But how long can anyone’s patience last? How long can anyone believe the broken promises? One day, when he was at his office, she disappeared without a note. That night, he returned home to find an empty house. When she didn’t reach even the next day, he knew she had left him. He felt dejected, depressed and too angry to do anything at that minute. He called her office to ask if they knew, but that didn’t help. When he knew, she was never coming back to him, he had only one solution. It was to terminate the root which made him lose her. It was Pema who wanted an affair. The next time he met her, he stabbed her over the quarrel they picked up. Tenzin was looking for the hinge to pick it on her. He ran away tainted with blood. But a person tainted with blood could never be cleansed. It rinsed for a while but got the color back. He fled from the scene. But could a perpetrator escape the punishment? A man got what he deserved. He was never given what he had not asked.

Now he planned to go, look for his wife. But he didn’t walk far when he spotted police men walking towards him.

Dema, sitting on the porch read the morning newspaper. The headline caught her eyes,” a man stabs a girl in frustration”. Tears welled up as she looked back to the days they lived together. The first time they met….it was all too real, all too happy. If only he knew what he had to do, everything would have been easier, happier and better. She couldn’t change the man. She wiped her tears and went in as she heard her son crying. Probably he would never know about his son……

Making it our Home

From right: me, Karma, Leki, Lungten, Kinley & Tenzin


There were only six of us left in college after two batches of seniors passed out. (Guys excluded). As time neared for us to graduate, we felt more at home there and at times we even wished there were few years more to study. On the other hand, the responsibility to be a working woman hanged an indomitable weight on us.

Four years wasn’t so short to think of but it passed in almost a flicker of second. In the beginning we didn’t quite like the place, or the people (we were studying in India.) We were like, when is four years gonna come to an end? And when it did, we were dumbstruck with the feeling that crept in amidst the blues of having to part from friends. I did not have many close Indian friends, but it did mean more than simple parting. Four years of togetherness set in my heart a gloom of heaviness.

Five of us were together everywhere. We flocked like feathers of a single bird. (L got along so well with Indians and she often hanged out with them). We cooked in the room despite the rules not allowing it. We rushed to the basket ball court soon after 4:00 p.m and then when the dusk set in we would retire from there and rush to the bathrooms. We would sing to the top our voice, shout at each other…and dance or whistle all the way. Shouting at each other didn’t mean rudeness; it was a way of expressing closeness.

After having a meal, we would sit in a circle and talk on almost everything…you give me a topic and I can tell you there is nothing we didn’t cover. It was too much of a home in fact. Though we missed parents and home, together we made it a heaven. Sometimes we would just sit together and then start sending ‘sms’ to guys, teasing them to the height – I’m sure they did blush.
And if one of us felt low, rest cheered her up. Once Keli had a problem with the warden and we stood in line to face it. I even went to the principal to talk about it… (Guess what? He sent me away saying it was nothing to do with me and she should talk herself.) The reason was that she swore in the face of warden when she was caught coming a few minutes late to the hostel in the evening. I’m sure we gave warden a headache but who cared if we got what we sought? (I think I’m not being honest…we did care a lot in fact)We were too much into ourselves to look far. She often acted unreasonable and I think we always gnawed on it.

No matter what happened, we always stood together and together we made everything simpler. We could laugh through the tears…

Three of them are still there in the college and I write to keli everyday expressing how much I miss college and those times together. It wasn’t just fun…it was more than happiness.




He showed me the way


Brother Tshering with his son Jampel Namda





My parents thought that going to school meant waste of time. They did not have much choice to let themselves see and understand more. What was more important to them was to have someone (to) help them at home. Earning an Education was a long process…even I saw it a very long process when I looked at it then. It would be years before a child can serve as a civil servant and who would live that long? This was their thought.

My sisters were not sent to school for the same reason. They were needed at home. They could not be spared for the luxury of learning. They were the indispensable lot at home. But I being the youngest got this opportunity they did not. I feel a little guilty now to think that they had to work at home when I enjoyed in the school. (I call it enjoyment cuz there was no worry of having to work hard, except those exams…and they weren’t too much of a monster)

It was my eldest brother who took me to school. My parents didn’t want to send me to school because I was the youngest and it pained them to think of me away from them. Because of this I got late for the admission. The first day I was in school, I could barely breathe…not because of the crowd but because I was the ‘frog from the pond’. Get me? I never had many friends to play with. It was my elder sister and my friend Lhadon with whom I could play at home. Others were all beyond age to be my play-mates. In the class: a teacher entered and everyone stood to greet...’good morning sir’ was only a blank note to me. We were made to stand and sing ‘head and shoulder’; I didn’t know where to point with the song. I felt dumb and lost; and I knew there were many things for me to learn.

But I knew ‘A B C’, ‘1 2 3’ and ‘ka kha gha nga’ even before I was sent to school. I still have this gratitude for my brother. He made me literate before I knew its meaning. And during the winter of my ‘class p.p’ my brother Tshering taught me ‘Science and Math’. I had reached farther than I thought I would. He lost his temper when I could not catch up what he taught and beat me… (kegpa fin gawa). I suppose it wasn’t painful; I don’t remember it having caused me pain. But I cried; my mother got angry over this and shouted at him that he need not teach me and that it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t know anything. But he only knew what he taught and his vision…he didn’t stop.

I remember the chain of experiments we did when I was in class five. We did experiments on distillation and evaporation. We dissected flowers – he taught me filament, stigma, calyx etc of the flower. Even when he went to reach me to school, he would teach me about ‘molecules’ and how it travels. He taught me little things about everything he saw on the way. While we rested he read ‘wisdom’ – a small book where there are nice articles and proverbs. I remember this and it holds me into wonder even to this day. His patience is beyond I can understand and he has heart that can reach out to everyone.

He is the person who taught me to be a person. He individualized me into me and he made me the person I’m today. He showed me the way.

WOULD YOU CALL IT AN ADVENTURE?

It is now five years back...It was the first time we were away from home for so long. We were studying in India. Our excitement subsided and we started missing home soon the same day as night fell. We were shown to our rooms, but there were no beddings ready. We slept the first night with our seniors but the second night we had fallen asleep on the barren steel bed...

We often remarked on it as being independent. I think we didn't want to trouble the seniors...You don't expect us to have been so comfortable with them the first time we met, do you? This nature of independence lurked in us more like a crowning princess. (When I say 'we', I mean my friend 'L' and I)

After a half day orientation, the classes started. We went to a canteen with Indian friends to have fruit juice and we were surprised to see that the bills should be paid individually. It wasn't so in the schools in Bhutan. Bill was paid by whoever had money...Not that we thought it was bad. We found it a little peculiarly uncomfortable. There were many rules that we thought were irrelevant and unreasonable, like having to write an application to the warden when you went out for outing. But these were abided and followed. More often it is easier to accept the things as they are than to explain why it should be like that.

Soon we got fifteen days holidays...We had nowhere to go. We were like, what should we do? Rot in the room? And there it came up...she met a friend online who was in Karnataka. So we decided to go there. We had never traveled by ourselves...not in a place alien to us. When we had changed four busses, we finally reached our destination. Changing buses wasn't only tiresome, it took a lot of nerve...asking people which was the bus. When we finally reached the destination, we were tired, sick and almost slumping... And luckily our friend was waiting for us at the bus stand like a good host. And of course for the one week we were with him, he treated us so good.

Then after a week we started off to Calicut in Kerala. We took the night bus and unluckily two of us were the only ladies in the bus. Won't you call it unlucky? We were scared to sleep...we spotted a giant man looking at us; the man was too Indian. He slipped off a paper in my friend's hand when we got down at Calicut-in it was written his name and his phone number. We were naive to guess his purpose. We put up in a hotel. Her cousin had made everything ready.

What could have been more scary to us? Naive as we were, we couldn't really fear the unseen. We got a call from the guy in our hotel room. We could not fathom how he located us...it was almost like we were hooked in the web of mafia, except that he didn't bother us again...

We had nice time there-sitting on the beach in the evening made us forget that we were very far from home. It gave us a tranquility which healed our heart.

We finally set off back to college after staying four days there. And guess what? We fell asleep and when we woke up, we were in another station. Our station was passed around 3:00 a.m. We looked for a way to go back to college, and there were these people with private buses who were looking for passengers. There we were again, nerve wrecked...Finally we got the train ticket for general compartment and we squeezed in between the crowd of people. I felt sick, and sitting at the door I had fallen asleep. Had I fallen down in the sleep...I shiver now to think of it.

We eventually reached our hostel, tired, and yet energized. We grew more in experience. We had no trouble again after that...traveling by ourselves meant just a piece of cake.

But tell me won't you call it an adventure?

Friday, April 20, 2007

Letters

Letter to Raju (8th September, 2002)
I was going through my diary and the memories came in a flash – the good times we had. I wanted to let you know that the good times I had with you will always be cherished, no matter what. You are a dear friend I can never forget. You are good in your own way and you have your own ways of making people feel so special of you. I will never forget the good friend you are to me.

You must have wondered at the silence that grew at large between us friends, or didn’t you? You were never out of my mind though. Of course your friendship itself is more than I can ask for. True friendship makes life a wondrous beauty and your friendship did in mine. Your friendship has filled my life with bright dreams and my days with happy memories. And your friendship shall remain as a gift in my life forever.

Just remember, even when I am far away and silent, you are always thought of with the fondest thoughts and remembered in loving ways and you are missed so much. Thank you so much for being my friend.

To my friend Jimy
29th September, 2002
My one fear is the uncertainty of future. If I go for it (relationship), what happens next? Will I be faithful to my previous move and decision? Will my thoughts never change? Sometimes, as the time runs, things that seemed right become wrong. You cannot really give a total twist to your fate and destiny. It plays its own hand in the affairs of life. If we choose one path, it either hinders it or steers it more. If the choice becomes a poison, either one of the party will get hurt. I can’t run that risk. You end up being in an unforgivable state. Only if we know it is wrong can we avoid it. But if we don’t run the risk, if we don’t take up the choice, if we don’t feel it, how would we know if it couldn’t be right? That is the greatest dilemma. The solution may be, you choose what you think is right. It may not always be right and it need not always be right. To err is human.

Thinking Over – A letter to Sonam Chogyel (l 6th October, 2002 )
If I am to think well, all those past years were worth in making me know them as worthless. They did teach me to know them as worthless. They did teach me to differentiate between the worst and the best. The only thing left is for me to choose one of them. At this stage, I think, we do face a tough lot of questions we cannot answer ourselves. Majority of us overlook them or ignore them, only to find ourselves beaten by a harsh fact. People indulge in some "artificial, external means like drugs to substitute the vacuum of emotionally right answers." We deny the right to ourselves. We are all too scared of the stark truth that would confirm a "different principle to what our intellectual can understand." I am all confused. I am intellectually crippled. I stand at an edge of a path where I can either choose to climb the uphill of truth or fall. I just have one notion: I want to die by doing it right and I shall do the world good. I shall die a satisfied man. I don’t want to let my soul wander in an unceasing search of unattainable peace. For now, I can only live straight, be myself and claim no false result. And I shall be only satisfied if I did something constructive and helpful to the mankind. To be frank, I am just not yet ready to die. The fear that I might have to go even before touching a leaf of my dreams and aspirations is lurking inside with a looming shadow. I sometime feel like a helpless cripple between the "conflict of instinct and reason" – I feel myself drowned in unnamed sorrow and darkness.
Letter to Nyonba [5th December 2002]
I don’t feel very well and I don’t find any greater relief than writing to you. I was perfectly fine a moment back but now an instant later, I find myself brooding over a mood of unknown sorrow. I don’t feel well emotionally.

I am very happy of the decision you have made. There can’t be greater nobler thing. And there can’t be a person like you in million who can take up that life (TRNT). Even I am very interested in it. The melancholy I am experiencing right now can be attributed to this – I always feel that unshed sadness whenever I get to think deep into life. To know that everything is a vanity. Everything is futile. Everything is impermanent. And yet to find myself in the same position. Sometimes I say there is no use to fret over and contemplate. It can’t be helped still. I am now starting to read “The Monk and the Philosopher”.You will soon hear how I feel.
Yeah I really feel that I don’t need to worry about what others think about me. Who has time to care about what account other people have about him? There is not enough time to run after an empty sack. If there was a way to find time, everyone needs it. There is no moment to lose time. People say that it is matter of reputation for girls. But who is worried about the reputation? I would better care about my character that I would carry along with my soul. I would rather judge myself than judge others. I sometime feel that I don’t need to explain everything I do to the world or the world will be a heap of what one does! To soothe oneself, it is better to care less about other’s opinions. I might sound harsh but that is really what I feel.

And again you might find what I am writing quite a contrary to what I am doing. But if I can trust myself, and give myself time, I can really prove what I am saying. I will be lying if I say I am not playing, as life is all a game. It is all about winning and losing. I find myself in a series of chained network of comical torturesome, sufferable, laughable state. I bought them myself. I have no one to blame. I shouldn’t deny that I do enjoy it sometimes when the natural passion of youth comes up and cover the well reasoned truths underneath. But I can surely say this will not block my way. My dream is completely different to this. If my work can give some touch of love and care to the human lot, I will satisfy myself serving them. Otherwise, I will take a turn, look back, give a glance and make them a history. I will start everything anew. I will walk with a purpose and work with determination. I will not let my being go waste. Marriage was never my final end to life and it still isn’t. You know them very well by now.

When I think of life and find myself sitting here doing nothing, I feel sick at heart. What am I doing? Waiting for luck? Is there such a thing as luck and time? More than living, I am being dragged along. I do want to challenge. I want to do something I am forbidden. There is no rule set against anything. I have the freedom to choose what I want to do and who I want to be.
[This is a letter I wrote when I was all pulled in by the force of spiritualism and found everything in life futile. It was written under a very strong emotion of wanting to leave behind this world and pursue spiritual studies.]

Journal

In the Rain (18th September, 2002)
I was standing under a small shed. The rain splattered down heavily. The sky itself growled and was very dark. I was dripping drenched and at that moment many memories flashed by. I missed home so much and wondered what my parents were doing just then. Do they have a choice to remain under the shed because there is a heavy downpour? No, they do not.
It was like a storm. The strongest wind blew. My thought was whether to walk out or stay under the shed. So many mixed feelings galloped inside me and I wished I had a miracle to help the world.

7th September, 2002
I was waiting for my friend in front of the bank, silently looking around the surrounding and admiring them with a nod of satisfaction. Within the range of my vision, an old man went on a cycle. I repeat, and old man. A bag hung down from the hanger in front of him. A flash of thought (of pity and pain) passed through me. I accepted it as a natural thing…but my heart could not accept the same. It kept returning to that image – an old man on a bicycle with a bag hung in front of him. I was thinking that there might be many children at home waiting for him to bring something. He might be the bread earner of the family. I felt the world so cruel for not leaving the old people out of its clutch. Why do they have to trouble all the way till death? Before these thoughts were answered, my friend came out of the bank and we walked of, I still in those thoughts.

Enjoying in the Happiness of Others
28th September 2002

Happiness is about feeling content over what we do every minute of our living. It is not about being selfish and greedy and being nosed in the air. Its simple fact lies in sharing the lives in making others happy more than in trying to satisfy our own insatiable desire.
Today I realized this more than any other day I have so far lived. Leki came to my room yesterday night with a look of horror, to tell me that Keli was insisting for an answer. She came in my room today to tell me that she gave him a positive answer. Even while walking to the hostel from the college, I found myself enjoying over the happiness he might be flying in at that time. It must have been the happiest moment, a dream come true. I was happy for him and for them both. I said a simple prayer that they are happy in all times to come.

Reflection in the Pond
It rained an hour ago and the weather was chilling…the night so calm and dark, there wasn’t a single star in the sky. Neither was there the moon. Except for the street lights, the night was horribly dark. But it wasn’t the kind of night that would make you feel like staying put in your room. I wanted to breathe in fresh air and wanted to feel the cool breeze on my face (it was 9:20 pm).
I took a quiet (quiet because I was all alone) stroll near my hostel, walking past and back again, chanting the mantra of ‘Vajra Sattva’. I wasn’t really alone. There were some groups of girls, sitting on the benches…talking loudly and laughing their hearts out. Then a night security guard came on a cycle to change for the previous one. There were workers in the workhouse. I could hear the clatter of pots and pans. The street lights were dazzling the night rather beautifully. And there was this atmosphere where you could feel everything alive. I started missing my parents.
As I prayed, there was a dripping coolness, chilling my heart with a sudden feeling of both happiness and sorrow. I wasn’t thinking of myself. I was thinking of the world. There were many clusters of insects humming around the bulb. Everything, I mean every little thing was having its own life…busy to notice a figure walking by. I reached a small puddle – a trail of the rain we had an hour earlier. I looked down and the reflection of the bright bulb caught my eyes…and an impulse of something realization grasped my heart, - “I’m nothing more than that reflection of the light. I won’t last as long as it does”. The realization struck! The nerves stood. That laughter of girls wouldn’t last long. The street lights wouldn’t be lit throughout the night. The humming insects wouldn’t see the day forever. The night guard wouldn’t cycle to and fro all day long. “And what about me?”
I prayed hard for the girls laughing there, for the insects humming around the bulb, for the night security that was standing by the gate, for the workers who were torn, and for my parents who are alive in my heart though very far away. I prayed for every little heart of this world. How long could I pray? I wanted to make everything for ever.
(Note: It was written 3 years back when I was in college and far from home. That was the time when I missed home and my parents and wished hard that there never was something called meeting and parting. I wished things were meant to last forever.

EXTRACTS


The Cab Ride
Following is a very beautiful story – it was emailed to me by my friend L. I am putting it here so that more people can read and feel his heart. Yes, you might as well dance, even if life is not the party you hoped for.This may bring a few tears to your eyes……..PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT ‘YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEYWILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

Take a minute to read this good story.

THE CAB RIDE
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Underthese circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to thedoor. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said.I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. “It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated”.

“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice”.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,” she continued.

“The doctor says I don’t have very long.” I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
“What route would you like me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse thathad once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescenthome, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watchingher every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.
“Nothing,” I said
“You have to make a living,” she answered.“There are other passengers,” I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said.
“Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of thatday, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient toend his shift?

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

You can help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.


From novel “Term Limits”, by Vince Flynn

  • It is easy to say you understand something when you haven’t experienced it, and it is easier to tell someone to get over something when you have never been through it. You can say you understand, but you will never really understand until you have lived it. Ø There was something distant about him. He was too stuck on himself.

  • From mills & boon story: It is often the ones who make the least fuss who have the most wrong with them.

  • Tomorrow would be soon enough for regrets, for recrimination – tonight an indefinable magic prevailed.

  • From the book, “Elvis and me” by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley: Despite his moralizing, I feared Elvis wasn’t always faithful to me. His bantering with some of the other girls at his house made me think that he might be intimately familiar with them. I had to learn not to take his words at herd. It was disappointing but it was just his way. I couldn’t help noticing that there had been a slight change in Elvis. He had leftGermany a gentle, sensitive, and insecure boy; through the course of the evening I would see that he now was mischievous and self confident to the point of cockiness.

I felt out of sync with the private jokes and crazy high jinks. Elvis’s sense of humour was contagious. He laughed about things that often wouldn’t make sense to anyone else, yet anyone around him would usually end up laughing too.I loved babying Elvis. He had a little boy quality that could bring out the mother instinct in any woman, a beguiling way of seeming utterly dependent. It was this aspect of his charm that made me want to hold him, shower him with affection, protect him, fight for him and yes, even die for him. Life takes such surprising turns. Just when you are getting confident, along comes the unexpected.I was numb. This is not the man I knew. I instinctively withdrew my affection, numbed, my thoughts suspicious, my heart aching.


We both acted as if nothing had been said. It was at times like that I wished Elvis and I had the ability to truly communicate with each other, to confront our insecurities, fears and frustrations instead of pretending these feelings were not there. We probably would have been surprised at how much understanding we both really had.


I made a whole new circles of friends with whom I felt accepted for myself. The martial arts gave me such confidence and assurance that I began to experience my feelings and express my emotions as never before. Accustomed to suppressing my anger, I could honestly vent it now without the fear of accusations or explosions. I stopped apologizing for my opinions and laughing at jokes I didn’t find amusing.


Bored and restless, he increased his dependence on chemicals. He thought speed helped him escape from destructive thinking, when in reality it gave him false confidence and unnatural aggressions. He started losing perspective on himself and others. To me, he became increasingly unreachable. From my adolescence, he had fashioned me into the instrument of his will.

  • What you can handle calmly in your usual public style still can upset you privately.\
  • When you write, you can lie. There is suspense of disbelief – from the movie, “Basic Instinct”
  • It seems a pity that the frail craft of love should come a stinker like this.
  • I don’t say I became glib at this juncture, but I certainly became a dash sight glibber than I had been.
  • This aching heart can’t bring itself up to the scratch and tell you the position of affairs.
  • I was an extrovert who operated on intuition with absolutely no deliberation most of the time.
  • From rags to riches, and from riches to emptiness.
  • Just a vulnerable sick woman riddled with loneliness.
  • If things get on top of you, have a good cry
  • Never in my life, have I pushed so hard. I think I was brain-dead that night.
  • Psychological scars takes longer to heal.
  • Most people don’t know what they are capable of until they are put to the test.
  • Though they struggled, we children were last to feel it. Rather than do without, we made the best of what we had.
  • This was one crisis too many. It felt like a nightmare where you slither through endless ludicrous disaster, knowing it a nightmare and that you escape soon, yet unable to break free and wake safe in your bed with someone friendly soothing you. – From the novel, “The Iron hand of Mars” by Lindsey Davis.

From Reader's Digest

To make amends; to heal a friendWriting to other person, be it in the form of a postcard or e-mail, is a smart first move in re-establishing severed ties, according to experts. The process is free of the thought clouding emotion that can come with a telephone conversation or face-to-face meeting. “Writing a letter gives the author a chance to refine what he or she feels and wants to say and a letter gives the receiver time to mull it over.”- RD, Jan 2000


Jennifer Lopez: When things come into your live at a certain moment, it is for a reason.
Being comfortable with who are makes a woman sexy. People think sexy, big breast, curvy body, no cellulite. It is not that. Take the girl at the beach with the cellulite legs wearing her bathing suit the way she likes it, walking with a certain air, comfortable with herself. That woman is sexy. Then you see the perfect girl who is really thin, tugging at her bathing suit, wondering how her hair looks. That is not sexy.
It is important for all type of women to know that you don’t have to fit a prototype of what one person thinks is beautiful in order to be beautiful or feel beautiful. I don’t look at people and see color and race. I see inside.
There are all these ideals about what is perfect and what is beautiful and what is smart, but the most appealing thing is, that which is me is nobody else.


Harrison Ford: I was raised democratic.…I thought the war was wrong. I thought killing people was wrong unless they were crawling over the fence. I had been working so hard, I had practically forgotten I was lonely.

“These drivers’”, I muse to her one day. “They seem too good to be true. How did you find so many nice, wise people all in one place?”“It just happened”, Beth answers. “I rode and I guess they were just there”I look at her brimming with life. And I realize that nothing “just happens”. She has sought out friends where others might not look. She has taken the time to weed out drivers who are decent and kind from those who are indifferent or hostile. Her invitation to ride with her buses didn’t “just happen” either, I realize. Beth may have wanted me to meet her drivers because I need them too.

  • I couldn’t see tomorrow – it was a victory to survive today – From Readers Digest
    To be a person, you must have flair.
  • Forgiveness: not denying you are angry or pretending the injury didn’t hurt. You can forgive the offender but choose not to resume relationship.


Jet Lee: I spent more time learning Buddhism than English because while English can help me find work, Buddhism helps me understand life. And not just this life but also future lives. My dad once said, you wouldn’t worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew how seldom they did. Every man has his faults. It all depends on whether he has enough good qualities to counterbalance them.


Anne Frank: Surely the time will come when we are people again and not just jews. We can never become just Dutch or just English or representative of any country for that matter. We will always be jews as well. But then, we will want to be.
That was one day in my life and it happened a long time ago.
As often happens in life, events sweep us away from those in our past.


Don’t pursue glory, pursue excellence.
I’m not god, I’m just some guy.


A TEACHER WHO BELIEVED
He was a teacher who challenged me to reach, the man whose demands of accountability destroyed the notion that poverty gave me an excuse to expect less of myself. He was the teacher who saw the woman I could become. At a time when his concerned efforts as a teacher seemed insignificant, useless even, he was one of the courageous few who invaded my darkness and made investments in the future kids likes me. He taught us through his actions despite differences in race, color and class, beneath exterior, people were people. And that those who dare to take the risk of caring, even if they themselves would not receive were truly special.

**********************************************************************************

--It didn't really matter whether you and blacks really understood each other. you could just laugh. it was good enough.

--It lasted no more than a minute or two, but it was something to hold on to.

--I lay on my mattress in a wintry bleakness of spirit to think things over.

--Harrowed with guilt and bleeding internally for your suffering fellowmen.

--Savage latencies that seemed to lie buried in their hearts.

-- Recoil in horror of

--It is that state of ...quandary that I am trying to cribe, but I can't get it. I can only feel it.


May be temptation urged, she could treat it purely for what it was – two people enjoying a revival of something that had once been between them; something that was over really something that could never, ever be allowed to happen again.

Let tonight happen, purely for old time’s sake, in memory of what they had once been to each other, then may be she could exorcise the ghost of their relationship once and for all

Life would be of the same dimension here as else where. You need not go searching for heaven away from hell. It is just where you are.


When someone doesn’t love you the way you expect them to, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you at all


Life is beautiful with imperfection. We got to accept things as they are. We can’t change the nature of things. We can’t understand everything. We got to have faith inside, a belief. He hated her…he looked at her in scorn. The hatred burning behind his eyes. His look said, he didn’t mind killing her there. She didn’t back off either. She took her position and stood there as if to say “If he hits me, I will hit him back.”

SMS (Foward)

1.Certain friends touch your heart and you can't stop thinking about them. That is the kind of friend you are...far yet so near. Simple yet so precious.

2. (On Friendship Day) Today is the day we can forget everything about bad things that happened in past one year and say only this: Dear friend, I'm glad we are still around each other after so long. Thanks for being there.

3. Life is full of beautiful things like soft sunsets, painted rainbows, delicate blossoms, love and laughter...quiet moments and fantastic friends like you.

4. Friends are those who care without hesitation, who love without limitation, who give without expectation and who remember without even communicating.

5. A heart truly in love never loses hope but always believes in the promise of love, no matter how long the time and how far the distance.

6. The sunrise from the eastern mountain could only bring light and glory of the morning but you lighted my heart and instilled upon me the glory of loving you. As every birthday bids you goodbye, may you always realize the dharma a step further.

7. In life, God doesn't give you people you want. Instead he gives you people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way he wants you to be the best.

8. In life, love is never planned, nor does it happen for a reason. But when the love is real, it becomes your plan for life and becomes your reason to live.

Exchanges with Lungten


Lungten and I in front of our hostel (VIT)


Friendship
On my birthday L gave me a booklet in which she had written about our adventurous but happy times in India. She had left some pages at the last to be filled by me and the following is what I wrote in it.



It took me months to write down in this booklet. I indeed felt overwhelmed at that very moment to know what to write. Feelings were numerous and thoughts rang on…what I’m going to write is not going to be very different. We traveled the world together and in essence, everything is same, except that it is going to differ in the way we express.



Here I go. I look back over the years and try to remember everything in a moment of one thought. But, it is impossible to occur. Four years is not a short duration. We had the larger part of our lives spent in India. We did not cripple; we moved with the same resonance that Indians took.



When we stepped into the college that day on 14th August 2002, we were kind of frigid. We were not scared but we were a little afraid of the bigger responsibility that greeted us. We had it in our mind that we were there to carry out not a simple drama but to face the challenge of being bigger intellectual. Since then, we did not forget our responsibility. I in fact had many times when my determination faltered. It is because of L that I did not have to bear the blow of having failed my trusted people.



There were many times when we were made to feel bad. We were made to feel like we did not know what was going on in our life. But we were no fools. We might not have been as wise as them to perfect the deceit and beautify the falsity but we knew our steps. We knew we would absorb the shock even if something unlikely turned up. And turn up it did.



Tears didn’t wash away our sanity. Rumours did not falter our dreams. We treaded on just the way as it was. We knew what would matter more was what we had achieved, not what passed in the fancy of intermediate process.



We walked and we walked. We didn’t have to run; we knew our pace. If there were people trying to knock us off, we found our foothold. We had that intuitive wise-ness of being careful. I must have shed so many tears…not just of pain, but of guilt and frustration. This, now I see as lessons. Lessons they were of course. L taught me to stand strong and not to let tears deceive me. I also came to know that there is no one who truly cares about you if you do not care yourself. But L was different here. She did not leave me as let be…she pulled me up to see what was behind the wall of exam. I learnt rather too late to study; to really fight the exam. L constantly told me to be careful, to be sincere and to study what was needed. Most of the time, novels took me into the fantasy of wonderland and it wasn’t until very late that I really took time to study. One thing I’m so grateful to her is for being my mentor and a true friend. She patiently waited for me to learn and to let me see the truth of her words.



There was a time when she got upset and wouldn’t talk to me. I spent more time talking with Leki and I guess I wasn’t there when she needed me. She wouldn’t answer me and she wouldn’t even look at me. This went on for days. After things got to normal, I asked her what was wrong and she only said that she has this habit of going quiet. Though we traveled places together on break, and talked on matters so many, we were not really in the same circle of friends in the hostel. I and other Bhutanese girls ate and hung out together whereas L had Indian friends to laugh with. I appreciated her for being able to be at-home with them. It was my weakness not to be able to feel the same in their wings. I had Indian friends but I could never feel quite at home with them. You know what I mean? It just wasn’t the same.



No matter who we hanged out more with. When we came together, we were ourselves…talks would flow on; laughter would ripple the happiness around and we would forget the outside world. In the midst of serious studying, we would find songs in the rough papers and then sing them to the light. We would laugh and ask if we should dance and then get up…I’m talking about ‘mask dance’. You will say that it is for guys. When it comes to us, we do not really differentiate between who should do what. We do it and no ill omen comes. We laugh more rather.



Now we are working and we do not meet often. Often did I say? Forget it; we haven’t met in almost ages now. I have been thinking I should go to meet her one of these days. She will have a surprise soon. Karma and I will give her a visit.



L, she is easy to be with…comforts you and make you feel it is okay to be yourself. She can talk away your pain…she fits in, no matter what kinda person you are.She is that person who knows how to run with the world.



Happy '23' K!
Dearest K,If life were as easy as we expect it to be, you and I wouldn’t be standing together today to relish the ups and downs of this so-called life. But it isn’t as mild as we want, neither is it as easy to handle it single-handedly. Your presence in my days, especially over the past 4 years has graced my living in a way I can only thank. Thank you very much. If these words be enough to express my gladness of having you by my side, then let them fly in full magnitude to reveal the very depth of everything that I deem to convey. Or may be, I do not need to elaborate much, since you ain’t unaware of how you are always the better part of me. Yes, you being a part of my everyday existence grew my passion to be better, it helped me to see another person in me, someone I could relate as better. It meant a lot and it still does to have you as one person to whom I can say “Hey, I can lean on you, can’t I?”



Well K, I am bad, not in single way but in many, many ways. It’s not that I do not know. I do. Yet, I’m always the same. Am sure I hurt you more than anyone does. I feel sorry for both of us. I feel sorry for you because you bear me despite me being such a blunder. I feel sorry for myself because I don’t seem to learn at all. If it were any other person, you wuld have dumped our friendship years back. You being you stand by. This is one quality in you that I will always admire, appreciate, envy and regard highly. You make me feel disgusted at myself when I do not tend to understand either of us. I know you will say, ‘No L, it is not like this’. No, it is like this only. I’m bad and it is true. It does hurt to realize the truth. Accepting it is equally hurtful. Never mind. Your presence betters me. Now and ever. Thank you again. Ever.



Looking back to the days we have together brings me the biggest smile on my face, knowing that those were the days of ‘good times’. The by gone days of fun, memories, joy, laughter, enjoyment, jovial moods. Everything. Almost everything wonderful. Majestic. Hilarious. Enchanting. Bewitching. Spell-bound. Everything dear. Everything.



You are my most beautiful possession in a friend. Your friendship thrills me, more than I could actually ask for. You make me feel good, you make me feel best. That’s you, my eternal friend. That’s you, my good friend. That’s you, my trusted friend.



We being ourselves have brought lots of havoc and commotion amongst the multitude around. Never mind. People can’t be satiated with anything. Don’t have to heed the world around…just remain as you are. That’s the secret of true happiness. If we are to live for others, who are we then? We can’t just let this mundane world get our way of life. Think twice before you do anything. But do what you want to do. Not what someone asks you to. That’s called being yourself.



I know you are strong in your thoughts. You are one of a kind of person who can handle even the worst calamities. Yes, be that strong girl. Tears do melt you, still don’t let yourself drown in them. I do see you, (sometimes) as a girl vulnerable to changes. Like you tend to change, of course for good. Oh gosh, am losing track of what I’m talking!!!



Anyways. Well dear, you are about to enter a new phase of your life, a totally different one where your sense of responsibility is highly demanded. I have no doubt that you will take care of whatever may come your way. You are capable enough to whisk away hurdles and come out a better individual. Yet, as a friend, a good friend of yours, I have my set of concerns sent your way.



I won’t ask you to be cautious or to be careful. That would mean as if I am forecasting something unpleasant, which can never be true. I would rather wish you all the best of everything. I would want you to be good, to be matured, sensible, responsible, careful, modest and above all human. You don’t have to be the best, you just be who you are. Being human also means being good. That is what we all are meant to be. Good. Isn’t it? Life is better when you are human. So, be human. No doubt that you are a good human…still I feel like telling you over and again. That is just a reminder. A silly reminder perhaps.



Being responsible includes being good, that should ultimately result being best. Allow me to narrate something, a story our shercol warden once told me. She said:



“Once God gathered a huge crowd of people. He asked his counselors what they could see. That wasn’t an unusual task as all they could see was a multitude of people around. But God wasn’t be satiated with this answer. He took out a tiny bamboo shoot and asked his counselors to look through it. They did as instructed, one by one. And were alarmed at what they saw. In the crowd of people they saw with their naked eyes, here they saw all varieties of animals and only few people.” The moral of the story is: though we see around millions of souls whom we call humans, it is only few who are actually humans in the real term. Many of us have the inborn character of animals, skinned only to seem like people. My story isn’t to portray that you and I could be one, or maybe we are. (hehe…)



Rather, I wanted to convey that people can’t be themselves, they can only want to be themselves. So, my dear, the bottom-line is – “No matter where or with whom you may be, do not ever lose your ground of freedom, independence and voice-of-speech”. You are a good human in the crowd of people and it would hurt any of us if you were to tend to their ways of living. Having known you as an independent, self realistic woman, I should be judgemental enough to say that you could conquer the world one day. Just be who you are. That’s awfully enough. Beauty of life is ‘you’ and ‘you alone’. It is not anyone else, but you.



You and I
“No birth certificate was issued when our friendship was born. There was nothing terrible except the feeling that life became different and that our capacity to love and care has miraculously been enlarged without our effort. It was just like having a tiny apartment and somebody moved in with me. But instead of becoming cramped and crowded, the space expanded. And I discovered room I never knew I had until you moved in with me.”This is exactly what happened when I found your friendship. You appeared like a gust of wind from a nowhere direction. But unlike others, you stayed longer and perhaps forever. I felt myself awestruck with your appearance and instantly I loved it! I agree that we did have our share of ups and downs in the course of our friendship. Honest, there were times when I felt cruel and rude at you. I would not talk for hours and even days sometimes. That is me, I guess. You agree?



“When people are hurt, they want someone to lash airs at. Often it is someone they love because the people who love us are the ones who will forgive us, when it all blows over.” True, we take people for granted when we know nothing can keep us away. May be, few bruises and hurts. But that doesn’t count either. Once the blows are all over, you are back to who you were. Isn’t this the kind of commitment we have between you and me? Exactly. Anne Frank wrote: “I want friends, not admirers. People who respect me for my character and my deeds, not my flattering smile. The circle around me would be much smaller, but what does that matter, as long as they are sincere.”True to her words, you are one person who knows me best. There can’t be another soul who would bother to study me as much as you did over the years of our togetherness. With you around, I feel a new world of new things. There is always something wonderful to look forward to. There is always something hilarious to happen, all because you are ‘SINCERE’. Your sincerity brings everything to its highest mark and I can only feel grateful for it. Having you alone around me is wonderful. I feel no need of anyone else.



“It’s wonderful to have friends who accept you with all your flaws. I don’t have to wear a mask of perfection or material things to make me loved or accepted.” That is you to me.



“Twenty Three”
Well K, you are 23 now, an ideal age to display your responsibilities, not only to yourself but also the world in general. You have reached an age that demands utter responsibility from you. I know you can manage somehow, anyhow.



One thing is sure – you and I ain’t growing any younger anymore. It is a pity that we have lived this world for 23 years and yet, we seem non-existent! But dear, we are never too late to do anything, to learn anything.



“Even though the future seems far away, it is actually beginning right now. And while we are living in the present, knowing that we are becoming history with every work, every action and every deed.” Ya, future is just a breath away. Past simply fleets across our face. And while the present is very much alive in front of our eyes, let us make the best use of it. Live it. Enjoy. Make joy out of it. Create enjoyment. Relish the good times. Recreate the bitter ones. Forgive the wrongs. Rejoice the rights. Just do it. Just make it. Make it now. Here. Present. This moment. LIVE IN TODAY. Here you are – 23! Just enough to make everything come your way.
Dream dear, dream. Having a dream is not stupid; not having a dream is stupid. You are as old as the things you have done, yet as young as the most wonderful dream in you. 23 may seem a little old to be a kid, but the heart never knows how to grow old. 23, therefore seems ideal to start a very new life, grand one perhaps. And the best part of everything is – you are capable of tuning your life to the frequency that best suits you.



You are the soul proprietor of your life and only you have the access to make it seem into what you wish. Don’t let life get ways away from you. You be your own driver. Own master. This is called life – self life.



“We are all alive, but we don’t know why or what for; we are all searching for happiness; we are all leading lives that are different and yet the same. We have many reasons to hope for great happiness…but…we have to earn it. And that’s something you can’t achieve by taking the easy way out. Earning happiness means doing good and working, not speculating and being lazy.” – Anne Frank.(From the “Diary of a young girl”)Every chapter in your life should seem like a lifetime. Just make it look like that. And this could be achieved only if you tended to live life your way. Don’t ever forget that your life is yours and not anyone else’s.



23 sounds good to me. Below is a small sonnet I wrote for you:Come 23 and you are again another life.Be 23 and you are that woman of your dreams.See 23 and another world unfold for you.Let 23 and there you are – the woman of all times!!Well dear, I feel unusually elated as I think about the characters in you. And am truly in short of words to tell you how much your presence had groomed me.



Growing old is a fact we may not like. But being logical creatures, I feel we can make it good anyways. As each day passes, I fear I’m losing a moment to be together. I year passes and it saddens me more. Such is the utter pains of life, isn’t it?Fear not.Age is never a bar to anything. It is in fact a measure of how good one has been to the world at large. You being 23 now shows you have had 23 wonderful years on this earth. That should give you much appreciation, pleasure and smiles. Definitely, since you have been nurtured to grow up to be ‘this woman’. You are ‘this woman’ today because of what you were yesterday. All the credits for your growth falls back to the times you were before. And I know you have nothing to repent about. You being yourself have helped this world to grow into a better place. And few people like me have been extra fortunate to befriend you. Thank you K. “You strive to be the best in the world and there will be disappointments. But it is the ones that are always striving to keep focus that winds up prospering”. Mike Tyson.True. Keep striving harder each day. Who knows, one day you may conquer the world with your zeal and hard work.



Good Old Times
My dear K, such days of celebration give me the perfect opportunity to let you know how much you mean to me. Although I don’t miss a chance to let you know how good you have been to me.Vellore days shall remain the biggest chapter in my history. More because you are the co-creator of each day that I have been down there. From 14th August 2001 to 18th May 2005.
Days with you have been too marvelous and exciting. Exhilarating. Wonderful. Enchanting. Bewitching. Extremely good. Best. Exceptional. Just great. Simply accepting. Honest. Lively. Adventurous. Alarming. Full of joys. Laughters. Good time. Everything dear. Everything. Almost everything.



You were my truest companion for the past four years and are still. I can’t hope to look for another friend than you, for your friendship gave me quality and quantified good times. Our friendship stood the test of times. To ask for more would surely seem reckless. You are too much a gift to me. And at this climax of time, I can only thank you.



Our times together has left the most impressive impact on me and my history. Kerala, Mysore, Coimbatore, Bangalore, Chennai,Hyderabad,Calicut…see how much more of the uncharted world we saw together! I always looked forward to a new trip, when I knew the company would be you. You made the fun lot more good and interesting. Time flew past our faces when we were careless to handle it. But the little moments I had with you were simply wonderful. Today, they make a very good promising collection of an invaluable treasure of memories. “There is a language in the world that everyone understands, the language of enthusiasm, of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed in and desired.”The good old times with you keep me smiling for long. Happy Birthday. I won’t say more just ‘I LOVE YOU’. L

CONVERSATION

Snatches of Conversation
I’m sorry that it has to come to an end this way. It has nothing to do with not loving you. It has turned out this way. Sometimes, things have their own hand on us…we can’t really make them not happen.

My dear, just keep smiling…because that seems to be the best way to live and let the world blow with her own cruelty.

If something is damaged, we can mend. What is hurt can be healed. If life were to be lived backwards, there need not have been a future. What matters is how you are going to live and how you are going to end your story.

If you are not there when I need you, where is the use of your loving me? If I find you gone, when I’m lonely, where is the use of your being mine?

It is same for everyone. Everyone has to fall in love, and everyone has to feel the pain.
For me, life means living each new day, hoping, we could live better than yesterday, not having to bring yesterday into the memoirs of today. It doesn’t mean that you have to overlook the past altogether…it only means you have to live each day in a more meaningful way.
Truth hurts. I’m a casual lover. I share talks of love and emotion with everyone, why not learn not to take my words at heart?

It seems like an effort to come to writing letters after a long relapse of lousy days.

To judge how you are in my eyes is for me, and not for you to tell me. If I lead my life this way, it is my style. If I know I have been going wrong, I had already had it done. I dun wanna try making it up. If I tried and I failed, it is not my fault. If someone wants to be true, it is for him to decide. No one has a hand in trying to make someone understand how his life should be led.

If what I do gives me pleasure, there is no reason why I shouldn’t practice it.

I’m happy to look back and know that I can call you my friend.

Each day comes with its own special meaning, showing how you age and how we learn. And showing how much someone means in our life. I’m mighty happy just to know that, I have a good lot of people like you around.

I feel so happy just to know that you are there and I can trust you no matter what. Life seems a lot easier when I turn around and find that you are there waiting for me.

No matter what course of twist and turns life may take, we will be friends forever.

For once we were out of touch and you know I didn’t like the time when I could never have a mail or hear your voice.

It doesn’t hurt me. I have learnt more than to let something prick my life. I know when I’m heading down the drain. I will not die just because I did something wrong. I will rather choose to live to correct it.

I felt the overpowering loom of uncertain sadness.

You know I’m happy that you are gonna come here. It will be great to see you in the place I have known you.

Whether for good or bad, we are through it and that is what makes me happy.

It is fun alright, but I still wanted you here.

I don’t think there is so much to share in so long a letter but I would love to hear all you have got to share. As for me, life has been all it has been, all this time.

And death…it is hanging around us like a shadow. Right, we near it with each passing second. When our body ceases to function we are gone, and that is death. So what is so scary? We dread to die because we dread to live right. It is all up to us-how we choose to live and how we choose to die. Only wise chooses to die in peace and with dignity.

We might not have made any promises, but for friends, you need not have a day where you need to make a promise.

I do not delight in defending myself and putting up reasons. But still, I guess, you will want to hear me explain. I will be there when I will be there and we will talk it through.

Truth only brings two hearts closer. Lies just do not work.

I wish I can turn back the time. But life has to be lived forwards. So all we can do is look forward; there is no time to look back and cry.

You have got good sense to love me, good sense to accept my love, good sense to feel what I feel and good sense to keep things alive.

The universe is in itself an interlink of beings and elements. We cannot stand out alone, separate from the rest and say hell with life.

Higher you stand better help you are to the world.

There is no time to stand back and reason, and assess the situation credits.

People’s interest and expectations are not something you think of when you are living your life.
Love him like you can never love again. Love him like love can ever be…love him more for he made you love him.

With love nourishing the dreams; with dreams inspiring the confidence; with confidence invoking the enthusiasm and with enthusiasm waking the ability.

The relationship of heart is so wonderful. Even when it is far, it makes it seem so near.
Over-done comedies beyond a human act.

Life sometime is confusing but not really so, if you give yourself space to be yourself and don’t let the small naggings make a big hole in your heart. I think it is only when you have time to worry about not being able to be yourself with the man who loves you that you get confused. I have now realized that, life can’t be happier than it gets when there is someone who cares and loves you truly.

I haven’t changed much but life demands a different kind of you when you grow up and you have to but obey.

I have become so sincerely a woman now

Sometimes, things work in very intricate ways that u cannot explain. Many things in life run in the incredible ways u cannot explain but u can only grasp its beauty. That is at least what I feel.

It is only words that we have shared. So whatever fleetingly passes in our mind cannot be trusted at this moment.

To show u the art of passion

I wish I could say I was the best teacher but I feel the intensity of passion and I am its slave.
Well I risk offending u by telling u my feelings and I’m very happy you consider it.

So beautiful…a goddess too far to touch

I think there is some deeper understanding between us, now.

You are lucky only when you are prepared. Luck doesn’t come to those who cannot choose to do things wisely.

Want that bad, I can feel your soul from here. it’s the intensity of my feelings that is hard to describe, I feel like I need u.

We are supposing a lot of things and building our dreams.

Little girl look which appeals to me

The thrill is in the hunt as well, it’s not only the kill

Well, it is up to sensible people to evaluate and assess you and not you assessing yourself. You could not see yourself unless you pick a mirror. Others have to see you and tell you who you are.

You are a fluffy cloud of pleasantness

The stupid are very brave. We are all like ants in the grand scheme of things

I’m aware potentially everything I do could be wrong but that’s life… imperfect.

I kind of thought I had beaten the odds so I may as well walk away a lucky man for the rest of my life.

There will never be any animosity in my heart for you or anyone. It takes two to fight
Well I would be skeptical of strangers who promise me the sun, moon and stars. Simply because you can’t fool an honest man and I straight away think its bull shit marrying someone or even giving someone the time of day just because they are from a rich country

There’s a sort of emotion attached to it. But for some people they attach the wrong emotion but I don’t want to hang out with neo conservative people who have no concept of enjoying their lives.

I’d rather be in love and a relationship than married and not in love like being in prison

He called me and it was such a pleasant thing that happened. It was bit unexpected. I felt so happy that he was there for me, a very good friend. A hope of beauty and happiness rekindled into life.

I still feel something I cannot really name. Somehow a hope, a dream still lingers on.

I take only a small space of this world…I am just one person among many. I can’t compete and I can’t win; neither do I have any intention of such things. Somehow I feel like, I am being manipulated. Am I that fragile? People have got me wrong. How would you feel if you found out that you were being laughed at and everything was a lie? I guess the price you pay for trusting a person is too high. Sometimes you will see that the price exceeds even the tears and hurts. It asks for more than you can give. I was pulled down from such a height that I banged hard on the floor. No positive thoughts could console me. What would you do?

It was an unseen blow, hanging around unnoticed for a long time.

I may get hurt, but I will have the strength to come back online with my life.


You will someday know how much it hurts when you know that someone has pretended to do you good just because someone asked him to.

I wasn’t seeking sympathy. I was looking for justice.

From My Friends
No matter how fleeting love may be, yet it is more than anything. Single moment of love exceeds the enjoyment of 1000 years.

My dearest K, I’m really sorry for whatever I have done to you. You are a great lady I ever came across in my life. Your inner beauty is drawing me closer to you more than ever. There is really no end in my admiration of your patience. I’m sorry for everything. I admire your uniqueness. The principle on which you are living will always fascinate me.

Dear Kuenzang, You and I chose to be best of friends because we have so much of similarities. Hmm…so equally are our differences. Nyonba.

Without you, I feel like food without taste, sleep without sleep, life without soul and health without heart.

I would not create a new wound as the old wound is already healed. It bleeds if you rub.You may not see me…but I’m watching and hearing you. You may forget but remember, someone doesn’t, although he goes quiet.It’s not the presence of someone that brings the meaning to life but it is the way someone touches your heart which gives life a beautiful meaning.-Jimy

You miss bunking class and going to movies? he he…that’s so like u . I came online today to chat with my keli. He is still here in Bombay but all the same I can’t see him. I miss him terribly.-Leki

There won’t be anyone whose life had been never inflicted by disagreements …no person is same but love binds together n minimizes the differences…….but the complete sameness is not possible……..everyone passes the same track….I mean there will be differences by any means….Cheku(NIE)