I was to write on it a long time back. But I just checked this back today (February 20, 2009) and I find that all I ever wrote was the sentence, “Today I reached home late and I found…). I never got to finish that sentence. I don’t know what urgent work came up or what mugged my thoughts.
But I remember what I wanted to write. Every evening I reached home, I saw an apple on my bedside table. This touched me so much that I wanted to cry. This went on for many days. Karma wasn’t home. It was just my mother, my nephew, my niece and me at home. Since I had to walk home from town, I reached home a little late. And every evening I got home, there was an apple. How can you not help but be so flatly bitten by such kindness?
It must be an act of all mothers but by God, it is hard for me to take it as natural and not feel touched. She could have taken the apple herself. But she kept the best for me. The big, red, nice apple. And I think I did cry. I was consumed in the appreciation, in the vastness of the unconditional love parents extended towards their children. And I wondered if I would ever be able to harbor such big love.
I am very much sane. I am very much alive. But there are moments when I feel so darn close to death, so darn close to madness. I find myself sitting with no particular thought. I find myself wondering on things I can’t figure. Right now, I’m listening to the songs by Norah Jones which in some ways calm my mind. But that also arouses some sad feelings.
Oh man, this mind! It is ridiculous—how it can hop from one thing to another and not know what it really wants. Is it true that we create our own fate? I find it difficult to believe though I often say it when I want to console myself into believing that great things can happen as it has happened to some lucky person. But I think that it isn’t really true because if it were, I’m sure there will be no unfairness or the minimum inequality. Lilac wrote about the unfairness in life—about some people being so rich while some have to work so darn hard and still not have enough in life. If we didn’t have a belief of the past karma working on our present life, we would be all talking of equality. Our blood would be infested with the sense of vengeance—though for no particular person—and we would all be calculating a measure to exact our right.
Isn’t it wonderful that
Sometimes you have to bear so much responsibility, so much unfairness that you just feel you have had enough. But there is always a second good thought that tells you that you better think again before you act on it. And sometimes, too much of tolerance, too much of understanding puts so much weight on you that it simply suppresses your mind and you cannot go further. I know it is good to always consider that second good thought. But it really goes on and on and you become just a riddled person.