Kuenza's Diary

L … but death is something that tears you apart, inside out. K : Yeah I know, even when we know that it is natural. L : I fear the worst at times. K : …I told him that I would remember all this closeness, each in close detail and I would dread to live. L : And now I fear myself as a victim one day K : I was telling him if I would be able to come out of this fear if I tried to leave this life. That is what Bumo. I used to tear myself inside with that fear when I was studying. And now I sometime wonder if those were the worries that never let me put on weight. L : I get this fear constantly and also the same magnitude of fear of I not being back home. K : You will come home L. You will be here soon and without problem. L : I see life slipping off like from a fall. I am growing skeptic se. K : It is true that we worry about what hasn't even happened. L : Do you find it silly that we think way too much? K : That is what Buddh...

Yes we met many years back But the first time we met, You’d too outgrown a nature, And me a timid little girl. I respected you for being our counsellor And worked hard any task I was given We shared only one Or two words at the most The hot Saturday morning I still remember, How you would scamper by Dressed in short pink skirt I didn’t know we would become friends One we would take farther down the line And here I look back, I know nothing would be more beautiful Oh yes, you didn’t talk to me for many days! Did I fail you there? Or maybe it was you But we are still friends How many birthdays have we Celebrated together with letters? This isn’t just another day I know this is special You haven’t grown a beard Your hair hasn’t grayed But oh yes, You are a woman now And on this day special May you become even wiser May you talk even more And may you have a great birthday /Author’s note: L has taken two week...

Friday, September 14, 2007 Dear L, We must have written hundreds of letters to each other but it is a wonder that we have so much to share every time we meet and write. I’m glad some thoughts like the ones we share can be as profound as never-ending. I might not be able to give you the profoundest of riches but I sure have my fondest thoughts and wishes on your birthday. I’m sorry that though we were together, the celebration wasn’t there. It just kinda became normal. I couldn’t have thrown a party for you last night but you should remember that I did think of it and had my wishes sent your way…even if it was in a dream. And I had it taken for granted that the big event was coming tonight. I’m so happy that despite our standings in the society as women now, we still have the same smiles and laughter to share when we are together. I’m glad that we still see ourselves through the same thoughts...

L and I sneaked out an hour for lunch together...We found we still have so much to share and we can talk just as much.

5th August, 2007 Dearest K, I have thought of a million ways to start this letter and each time, I had to dig out some words unrepeated in our accounts over the years we have corresponded and told each other about everything. But I know no matter how much I tend to confront the presence of your good self in my life, I seem not to be convinced with the perfect words to choose. Anyways. You know, as such days approach and I like to look back and wish to see those two naughty girls walking lost on the platform of Bangalore station, the same two girls playing water at Mysore, the same souls traveling to Calicut in a bus full of men, two perplexed creatures boiling with seamless tears at Chennai Central Station and many more to account for. I feel funny, I feel good, I feel weird and I feel stupid. But above all, I feel simply thrilled to have met a person who knew exactly how to...

14th September, 05 Dear L, I’m at a loss of word at this moment not cause I don’t have anything to say but cause I don’t know how to begin and from where. We indeed traveled a larger part of the world than I can put right out here. Days then were brighter and our laughter more lasting. Life indeed was more than a living. We really lived cause we knew the essence of ourselves and the futility of words uttered at mere envy and leisure. Now, how far have we traveled? And for how long? Can we really count? I know days were more than countable and happiness was simply infectious. We did cry but tears never left us shattered. We always had a way to smile and a reason to laugh. Things never were too bad; and this was all because I had a friend walking beside me who saw nothing but the better side of life. You did make me see many things hidden behind the cloud of life and made me realize the meaning of being an individual. I probably failed you for more times than I can remember. I know I c...

1st January 2007 Dear L, Here is another year and it reminds us of the year we have lived so much in fun and yet, it reminds us that we have grown a year older. I still remember the dreams we built and wishes we held deep in our heart – we thought we could really be who we want to be and we so ardently wanted to achieve something not many in history did. And here we are today, standing just where everybody stood for ages and we find that we haven’t done anything extraordinary. But, L, I know that we can still hope because, our life isn’t yet exhausted. I’m sure we can bring changes if we really try hard. We have always talked of the beautiful times we had together and today again, I can’t help but refer to that – it was the most beautiful moments of our lives. I know we both would choose to have it once again, if we were given a choice. But, we have to go forward and look for what life can give. L, I may not be here to call you and talk to you about how grateful I’m for having a friend...

Lungten and I in front of our hostel (VIT) Friendship On my birthday L gave me a booklet in which she had written about our adventurous but happy times in India. She had left some pages at the last to be filled by me and the following is what I wrote in it. It took me months to write down in this booklet. I indeed felt overwhelmed at that very moment to know what to write. Feelings were numerous and thoughts rang on…what I’m going to write is not going to be very different. We traveled the world together and in essence, everything is same, except that it is going to differ in the way we express. Here I go. I look back over the years and try to remember everything in a moment of one thought. But, it is impossible to occur. Four years is not a short duration. We had the larger part of our lives spent in India. We did not cripple; we moved with the same resonance that Indians took. When we stepped into the college that day on 14th August 2002, we were kind of frigid. We were not scared bu...