The Endless Questions
L… but death is something that tears you apart, inside out.
K: Yeah I know, even when we know that it is natural.
L: I fear the worst at times.
K: …I told him that I would remember all this closeness, each in close detail and I would dread to live.
L: And now I fear myself as a victim one day
K: I was telling him if I would be able to come out of this fear if I tried to leave this life. That is what Bumo. I used to tear myself inside with that fear when I was studying.And now I sometime wonder if those were the worries that never let me put on weight.
L: I get this fear constantly and also the same magnitude of fear of I not being back home.
K: You will come home L. You will be here soon and without problem.
L: I see life slipping off like from a fall. I am growing skeptic se.
K: It is true that we worry about what hasn't even happened.
L: Do you find it silly that we think way too much?
K: That is what Buddhism teaches us. That we waste our time worrying about what hasn't even happened. Sometime it can really hamper us to the extent of making us mentally unsound. So we have to control ourselves.
But when I am away from home, even when I am on tour only as far as Punakha, I dream of my mother and worry to death.
K: One morning, I dreamed of her hitting her head on the stone wall and I woke up calling her. I had to go to her room to see if she was fine.
L: I go lunatic at times
K: And now after this uncle passed away I have begun to worry more. It isn't yet a year since my mom was operated.
L: I find this life itself so mundane now. I understand the worry Bumo.
K: This fear, it tears me apart. I mean it is like it is leaving me naked in the crowd where I haven't got anyone to get me a dress.
L: Oh yes, exactly the same feeling
K: The fear that you get from this is something like a very trembling, dizzy feeling over your skin. Is that how you feel too?
L: I do feel the same and I go crippled. I tend to ignore those flashes of fear but then you remain hapless in your thoughts at times.
K: But we have each other to understand at least. Think of people who probably feel the same and haven't got a friend to share it to.
Even while I sleep, this fear cripples me. I feel like someone is watching me or someone is stroking my face with this fear. So I have to cover my face to sleep.
It is driving me crazy si. That is what was happening to me when my father passed away. I thought I wouldn't be able to live if I didn't leave this life and started to get into some monastery, but here I am now. Look at how we all try so hard to adapt to the life that we are bestowed with, without making the slightest effort.
L: Oh yes, that is the best thing to have someone your way of understanding. Read my latest blog I added last night.
Despite the pains in your heart, you realize a reason for this longing. And I was somehow told that my existence demanded a better survival
K: I know. How we have craved for it for so long.
What I think is that when this inner desire of wanting to follow the truth lingers, we must do justice to it by giving a little effort to see if it makes us feel any better.
L: If only we had the strength to analyze it better
Strength in weakness, right?
K: We should have the strength. We aren't going to be the first ones to have done that.
Sometime I wonder what it is that is really stopping us.
You see, we say, we have our parents to worry about. We have to look after them. Then we have our younger siblings, nieces, nephews we have to worry about. But would that end?
K: And if we left this life and started becoming a non-materialistic follower of Buddhism, would our relatives curse us that we left them?
L: I am so fatigued worrying for the things I am hapless at. I don't know, I am not going to judge myself from others' points of opinions. I think I am done with what people think of me.
K: Then what is stopping us? What is making us not leave home right now and go find a tsa wai lam, sit in front of him and pledge our body, mind and soul?
L: Ask me not now Bumo. I won't have an answer to satiate your quest or mine.
Me: I feel like crying now. I don't know how many more times I have to cry before I find the answer.