The Endless Questions

-

L… but death is something that tears you apart, inside out.

K: Yeah I know, even when we know that it is natural.


L: I fear the worst at times.

K: …I told him that I would remember all this closeness, each in close detail and I would dread to live.


L: And now I fear myself as a victim one day

K: I was telling him if I would be able to come out of this fear if I tried to leave this life. That is what Bumo. I used to tear myself inside with that fear when I was studying.

And now I sometime wonder if those were the worries that never let me put on weight.

L: I get this fear constantly and also the same magnitude of fear of I not being back home.

K: You will come home L. You will be here soon and without problem.


L: I see life slipping off like from a fall. I am growing skeptic se.

K: It is true that we worry about what hasn't even happened.


L: Do you find it silly that we think way too much?

K: That is what Buddhism teaches us. That we waste our time worrying about what hasn't even happened. Sometime it can really hamper us to the extent of making us mentally unsound. So we have to control ourselves.

But when I am away from home, even when I am on tour only as far as Punakha, I dream of my mother and worry to death.


L: RIght

K: One morning, I dreamed of her hitting her head on the stone wall and I woke up calling her. I had to go to her room to see if she was fine.


L: I go lunatic at times

K: And now after this uncle passed away I have begun to worry more. It isn't yet a year since my mom was operated.


L: I find this life itself so mundane now. I understand the worry Bumo.

K: This fear, it tears me apart. I mean it is like it is leaving me naked in the crowd where I haven't got anyone to get me a dress.


L: Oh yes, exactly the same feeling

K: The fear that you get from this is something like a very trembling, dizzy feeling over your skin. Is that how you feel too?


L: I do feel the same and I go crippled. I tend to ignore those flashes of fear but then you remain hapless in your thoughts at times.

K: But we have each other to understand at least. Think of people who probably feel the same and haven't got a friend to share it to.

Even while I sleep, this fear cripples me. I feel like someone is watching me or someone is stroking my face with this fear. So I have to cover my face to sleep.

It is driving me crazy si. That is what was happening to me when my father passed away. I thought I wouldn't be able to live if I didn't leave this life and started to get into some monastery, but here I am now. Look at how we all try so hard to adapt to the life that we are bestowed with, without making the slightest effort.







L: Oh yes, that is the best thing to have someone your way of understanding. Read my latest blog I added last night.

Despite the pains in your heart, you realize a reason for this longing. And I was somehow told that my existence demanded a better survival

K: I know. How we have craved for it for so long.

What I think is that when this inner desire of wanting to follow the truth lingers, we must do justice to it by giving a little effort to see if it makes us feel any better.


L: If only we had the strength to analyze it better

Strength in weakness, right?

K: We should have the strength. We aren't going to be the first ones to have done that.

Sometime I wonder what it is that is really stopping us.

You see, we say, we have our parents to worry about. We have to look after them. Then we have our younger siblings, nieces, nephews we have to worry about. But would that end?


L: Never!

K: And if we left this life and started becoming a non-materialistic follower of Buddhism, would our relatives curse us that we left them?


L: I am so fatigued worrying for the things I am hapless at. I don't know, I am not going to judge myself from others' points of opinions. I think I am done with what people think of me.

K: Then what is stopping us? What is making us not leave home right now and go find a tsa wai lam, sit in front of him and pledge our body, mind and soul?


L: Ask me not now Bumo. I won't have an answer to satiate your quest or mine.

Me: I feel like crying now. I don't know how many more times I have to cry before I find the answer.

Comments

Luzee said…
Zai Bumo, that was quick. I had a peep into your blog now and I see this. I must confess I smiled this time, so did I when I narrated to TD the whole set of our talks. You will forever be the best par of companion who can read and undertstand my heart. I don't know what I will do without you. I just don't seem to realize you are the very anchor of my friendships. You make me miss you more Bumo.
September 18, 2009 at 10:04 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Thank you Acho

-
I grew up in a farm. When I say farm, it is not as in the context of a farm in the developed western countries. Bhutan is a small country, landlocked between India and China. More than 70% of our people depend on agriculture -- the subsistence farming. I was born into a couple who made their living from subsistence farming. I was born as the youngest of the seven children. My elder brothers and sisters had to go through hardship: helping our father cut wood, get firewood, sell fruits, etc. But I being the youngest didn't have to go through all this hardship they did. My eldest brother, who did not get to go to school, saw education as a very important tool to live in the world that was changing fast. My second elder brother did not get to go to school either. But both of them looked for opportunities to learn to read and write and thus, on their own interest and effort, they did learn to read and write. And then one day, my eldest brother helped him run away from home to the c...
Read more

This is Bhutan

-
Image
I moved to Adelaide, South Australia 10 months ago. This decision was driven by my belief that family has to be together and pursuing your career or following an ambition should not come at the cost of it. I made this decision knowing that it wouldn’t be easy – that, I may not have a regular office job that I am used to. Yet, as I do the manual shift jobs that I have taken, I find myself talking to myself that I would be contributing better by doing what I am good at; what I have so many years of experience in. But this is not what I was meaning to write about.   Most of the people I met do not know about Bhutan. They haven’t heard about it. They ask in uncertain voice, ‘Bhutan…?’ On top of that, saying my name is very difficult. They even ask me if I have an easier name that they can call me by. So, the other day, I told my four-year-old son that maybe I should call myself Kel from my initial K.L. and he was like, no mummy, your name is Kuenzang. And I agree. This is the reason th...
Read more

Your time comes when you are ready

-
Thoughts have been rushing through me and they were just overwhelming. I didn’t know where to start and I aways pushed back. It is always when I am in the shower that there are ideas rushing out, sentence weaving on – and then when I am done with the shower, there is no time for me to sit down and write them down. So, they never found their life. I am hoping today will be a beginning to being what I have aways been – pouring my heart bare in words and letting that do the healing.  I haven’t even thought of what title I would give it. I just have to get them out or they will keep making rounds in my head until they haunt me. I think they will come into a series because I don’t like the writing to be too long. So, I will begin first from 2017 when our circle of friends started moving to Australia.  Some of our contemporaries will remember what we used to have called a nopkin.com. It was an online blog that our friend Sangay Tenzin (fondly known as Nopkin) started where people co...
Read more