Kuenza's Diary

I am a person who continuously dreams – this time, I don’t mean daydreaming or having a plan, or having a vision of sort that I want to achieve. This time I mean, I see continuous dreams in my sleep and they don’t spare me to sleep all that well. As I write this article, I just woke up from one such dream. I have always had the habit of narrating my dream as soon as I woke up and my mother always told me not to because she said that I never dream any good dreams. I worry a lot about her. Why wouldn’t I? I am her daughter. I love her. And because of this love for her, I have kind of pledged to make sure that she isn’t unhappy. But because life is a suffering itself, I am sure there are many unkind circumstances that makes her sad. For all those kind of circumstances that might have caused her to be unhappy, for all the situations I might have made her feel uncared for, and if there were any moments that I must have appeared unworthy of being a daughter, I apologize to her. Because I...

I have the habit of scribbling every small thing in my notepad. Now, this is bad because, I develop a certain kind of attachment to each of this notepad that I pain when I have to discard them. Today I am discarding one. Tomorrow I will have to discard another. I have a collection of letters. From long time back. They are like trash in a way because they occupy space. I like to keep my room as open as possible – meaning, I don’t like having so many furniture stuffed in a room. So I was thinking if I should throw the collection of letters, diaries, journals and greeting cards I have. No, I did not throw my diaries, journals and letters. I just pushed away my thought of getting rid of them. One thought says, I must get rid of them now, rather than have people read my inner thoughts after I die. And another thought says, I must keep them because what people make of them after my death won’t matter to me. Whatever, I’m keeping them for now. I threw away a few rough papers already – on wh...

It was nice to have so many people wish me on my birthday. I smiled right till I went to bed. I think I did have a good sleep too. Not dreamless though. I always dream of something. It was a mistake to watch a movie called 'Pulse 1.' Didn't make much sense to me but the eerie, haunting images kept coming back to my mind. It even disturbed my meditation. I no longer see birthday as a day to receive gifts and wishes. I see it as a day where I can remind myself of having grown a year older thereby nearing death that much closer. It is good to have such days to remind us of impermanence, as much as it is good that it reminds us of the good things and people we have in our life. Now, there is another dilemma. I will have to go to the field for the survey again. This time, it won't be so long, but it is decided that I will be one of the staff going there. I have many valid reasons why I can't go. But I have no energy to put up my reasons to the decision maker. He knows ...

I see a bad dream Lose sleep Worry about you And know why I need you I travel for work Go away from home Think of you And know you are precious Every little thought Is about you Every little prayer is for you You my mother, If only to have you with me forever I wish the world were permanent [Note: Had a very bad dream last night and I couldn’t sleep. I worried about my mother; just then I heard her go to toilet. It was 4:30 a.m. That made me know that she was living; but it didn’t take away my worry.]

You plan something; something comes up in the middle It makes you question If what you chose was wrong And suddenly your plan seems small; unimportant Then comes apprehension Anxiously you want to know for sure Which one is truer; a priority You wait unknown Then comes a day Your plan is not what you need You must follow the path It is set for you Some take longer Some see it instantly But a path is set For just everyone And that is why, you must compromise When you think your plan isn’t working