Friday, August 6, 2010

Reflection of good and bad

It was nice to have so many people wish me on my birthday. I smiled right till I went to bed. I think I did have a good sleep too. Not dreamless though. I always dream of something. It was a mistake to watch a movie called 'Pulse 1.' Didn't make much sense to me but the eerie, haunting images kept coming back to my mind. It even disturbed my meditation.

I no longer see birthday as a day to receive gifts and wishes. I see it as a day where I can remind myself of having grown a year older thereby nearing death that much closer. It is good to have such days to remind us of impermanence, as much as it is good that it reminds us of the good things and people we have in our life.

Now, there is another dilemma. I will have to go to the field for the survey again. This time, it won't be so long, but it is decided that I will be one of the staff going there. I have many valid reasons why I can't go. But I have no energy to put up my reasons to the decision maker. He knows the reason already -- if he chose to command that I go, I know he thinks my reasons aren't valid enough. So instead of fighting, I'm choosing to take the path. I think over the years, as if in resignation, I have found that it is much better to crawl right through the path you are thrown into than try to fight and win a race faster, better and through-er. So, though, yesterday (as in yesterday) was good, things altogether are not really well. When I complain, they say, that is how things are. And that kicks me off. Every small ounce of energy left in my body vaporizes.

I can only be happy that I am a human who can laugh or cry, based on my own attitude. So right now, though I feel like a shit, I think, I have to just say, 'shit happens,' and smile despite this deep shit I'm sunk into. When will things be completely and totally right?

Civil servants. I sometime think we do not really deserve any pay raise. I am one of them but really all I ever see is inefficiency. Everywhere.

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