Kuenza's Diary

A little sick of rules. A little impatient of the time. But seeking beauty in the imperfections. I'm still that...working so hard. And I don't know why things are happening the way they are.

For the many years that I have lived listening to the good teachings, I wonder if it is even rightful to think what I'm thinking now. Am I angry? I don't know. I wonder at how people can take you so foolishly. Don't we often forget to look at ourselves and judge others? Don't we often ask questions to others before asking them to ourselves? Don't we often forget that people are all same, basically? I will not argue more. I know if there are any readers at all, reading this blog of mine, I will only confuse them. But at this moment, I have nowhere to shed this emotion but here. I so darn want to hit someone. Not because I am so angry. Because, I would really want to crack open someone's brain to really understand his thought. Even when I lose everything, I know I will not lose my interest to write. Even if I don't write so well like others, I know I will write, even if it is nothing important. For sure I will have to sleep tonight with wanting to hit ...

If I were to define my life now, it would begin without a single achievement. If  I were to define my life now, it would just be a single blank page. If I were to define my life now, it would be just a starry dumb pair of eyes. If I were to define my life now, it would just be a butterfly-pupa who never knew of the beauty of having wings. If I were to define my life now, it would just be an orphan who never knew what it was like to have a mother. If I were to define my life now, it would just be a drunk without destination. If I were to define my life now, it would just be a hollow space without life. If I were to define my life now, it would just be a pair of unstable, shaky feet. And with all this, if I were to look for a future now, it would just be a blank paper without a pen to write anything on it. Author's note: This is written in the mood of self discrimination and it shouldn't give the idea that I do not value the many good friends I have in my life; ...

I hate being emotional sometimes but I think that is what I am. I sometime wonder if people reading my blog find me weird, because I write everything here, as if it were my personal diary. But then, I don't seem to care. I get carried away in my own thoughts. I seem to carry hundreds of dreams in my head, each one rushing to be let out first. But there is always a fear...a small fear that can stop them from gushing out at free will. And they seem to have no other safer place than my own head. So I beg them to stay there until I find a good place for them elsewhere. But there are times when each one burst out and scream until I have to close my eyes and say, 'yes, here, today I will listen to your request. Now you sit here and be a good girl.' It is so true that our life and happiness therein depends on the people we meet and not really on how successful we are. I meet a person and even when I have not seen him/her quite well, I can have the whim of my imaginatio...

I feel that we have to make certain sacrifices in life and we have to be happy with what we have because no matter where we try to go, there won't be a place or a reason that will keep you perfectly happy forever.

I'm listening to this old song, "I love you more than I can say." I'm already feeling sadness gripping me. I'm alone sitting here, wondering what best to do. I'm having this tough time where I get irritable and sick; where I get snappy and miserable. But I am not losing my mind completely. I'm really wondering what I must ask, if I had just one chance to ask God to grant me a wish. And no matter who says, "I love you more than I can say," I think we cannot just believe it is true. Except that you can trust the person who has first won your heart and trust. People who are flung into your life after that are those who are there only to test your strength, not really to take you on the path through love.

When we feel that we like someone, it is more the fantasy we create about that man that makes us feel that way, not the real person.

I know how much touched he was by you; Why would he cling otherwise, when he knows that it isn't a religion that will free his soul? When you know something different in your heart and you pretend to be happy with what is actually around you, I think you are cheating yourself.

I don't know if I believe in miracles. I have been losing hope in hard work. Have I not worked hard enough? Have I not understood well enough? Life could never be anything more... But go on....

You will see the moon shine just when you think the darkness has set in.

Following is an article by Tenday in www.nopkin.com and my my comment on the article follows: Changing Thoughts changing with Changing Times When Sonam was a little girl, she always thought she would marry the first guy she meets in her life. But when she reached her teens, she broadened her thinking little bit for she understood that it was ok to go for a second if the relationship with first one doesn’t work out well, that is, as long as the girl remains a virgin. She crossed her teens and then she didn’t care how many boy friends a girl changes and that too for as long as they didn’t spent a night together. By then living together kind of relationship was not uncommon. And so when she met her first boyfriend, she got very scared when he first asked her to spend a night with him. She refused so many times because she had many fears as well as so many ‘what if (s)’. She was more worried about what the society might say about her if they finds out. But after being in a relationship ...

Beauty is not something that arouses desire, but something that arouses admiration It is not something that fakes charm to win praises but a gracefulness of a person. It is not the heart that opens on an instant desire but the heart that dwells on a promise It is not the person who winks you with a signal for the night but the person who holds your sight beyond your eyes.

I was sitting outside on a bench, thinking over life; the many small things that constitute life and the inconsistency of our thoughts…the moment was beautiful. A moment where I could just close my eyes and dream beautiful dreams. Life without seriousness sometimes becomes like an undulating waves. You really make things interesting. I say one thing, you say another…and everything just about negates everything. But like it as it is. Maybe you deny your feeling finding them interrupting your principles. The breathtaking scene of the sunset over the sea and the deep blueness of the sea itself, with a romantic song in my heart, and a sight frightfully romantic, I could feel nothing, think nothing and do nothing but miss you like never before. Friendship, love, trust…these are some of the beautiful things in life. I have them because I have you. My love shall last so long as I do…and even beyond that. Love is forever. Some say it…some think it. Some know it.

Back to the class. My strength seems to slip away. The enthusiasm seems to falter. As I sit here, good reasons fail to make me believe. The inspirations fail to inspire. I find no use whatsoever to sit here and pretend. As I sat comfortably, letting out my breath…I felt a calm flow of energy within me. I didn’t know what was really happening but I was perfectly happy and I wanted it to last for a long time. In the midst of laughter and fun I stood back in total surprise. What were we doing? I thought we were wasting our time like that. I knew then that it wasn’t the way to live life. It was either to be true in our heart or risk our whole being. I was walking by the street when I saw a cat passing the road. Suddenly a car swooped over out of nowhere and killed the cat! Do you think a notion of getting killed passed over in its mind? It wouldn’t have (like anyone of us) thought of dying that instant but it did. We bask our life in an enchanted pool of unceasing desire. Our life is uncer...

Life is a journey. We begin life with a step and the beauty of it lies in the people you meet and the fun you have with them I was lying on a bed (in the hospital) when I came back…I looked around in wide eyes…he was sitting beside my bed. God knows for how long! I fell back into another long hours of drowsiness and unconsciousness as I felt him holding my hands. I was happy that he was there with me. Friends – aren’t they beautiful? They are there with you no matter what. Life is not always beautiful but the few beautiful moments are too remarkable to forget…and it all centers on our friends. Without friends life would be a darn hell…you agree with me? I know you do. Who loves to be alone and lonely? Friendship bridges two hearts into a harmonic rhythm of their beat such that they can feel exactly the same. Friendship flowers but never dies. I accept equally the love and pain, the joy and suffering, the truth and faults, the guilt and remorse…life is not always as you expect. Life is ...

I love you because I can’t hate you. I can’t hate you because there is nothing in you that I don’t admire. I admire you because you are an integrity of honesty and love. It is wonderful to love you but torture-some to miss you. I have never fallen in love with anyone this way! When you love someone you feel too wonderful. Even missing that person is a beautiful feeling that you wish you could engrave the feeling forever. Love is a beautiful feeling you feel for another person. Love is like a hand that mother reaches out for her child when the child wants the heart to rest his tired soul on. I miss you because I can’t live without you. I miss you because I love you so much. I miss you because I feel so empty without you. Without you it is just an emptiness of void....a rest of pain…thoughts of loneliness and life without a soul. Without you, I would never want to see the sun shine, the wind blow, the stars twinkle. And I know without you, I would never be what I’m. Sweet dreams…if I wer...

If you wanna be who you wanna be, begin the walk to where you wanna be. Live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not yet come. “Today is a gift, that is why it is called a ‘present’” ************************************************************************************ Wake up happy…chase a cloud…laugh out loud…whistle a tune. Whisper a promise. Savor a memory. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Live and you shall love living. Love and you shall live to love. Life will be all that is worth! Live while you can live. Love while love lasts… ************************************************************************************ I’m sitting in the class my brows knit together, lips shut tight and my eyes barely open. My head is bursting with pain. I’m getting backache too. And teacher is standing in front of us, abusing us as the bunch of idiots. And he thinks we won’t succeed. I sit here and think he doesn’t know what he is speaking. Who has seen the pote...

When you have no freedom to act the way you want, there is always the desire to go on with what you want to do and the fear that blocks it. You are with a friend and you have the fear that your elder won’t like it. You just hang around with friends and there comes the fear again…when you have no act of freedom, it is like being in some kind of hell. The desire soars and the fear kills. Then your life becomes a marsh of sinking sorrow. You feel like you can never be happy. Of course you won’t be unless you can be the person you want to be. Is Marriage a Solution? When life is closing up on me, I feel a shudder of sadness enveloping me in almost a misery. Marriage doesn’t seem a haven to me. I wish I could enjoy my individuality as far as I want. ************************************************************** The summer heat was scorching the very bone in my body. I was dying of thirst and my leg couldn’t carry me any faster. Besides, with my small son on my back, I was drained of all st...