I am very much sane. I am very much alive. But there are moments when I feel so darn close to death, so darn close to madness. I find myself sitting with no particular thought. I find myself wondering on things I can’t figure. Right now, I’m listening to the songs by Norah Jones which in some ways calm my mind. But that also arouses some sad feelings.
Oh man, this mind! It is ridiculous—how it can hop from one thing to another and not know what it really wants. Is it true that we create our own fate? I find it difficult to believe though I often say it when I want to console myself into believing that great things can happen as it has happened to some lucky person. But I think that it isn’t really true because if it were, I’m sure there will be no unfairness or the minimum inequality. Lilac wrote about the unfairness in life—about some people being so rich while some have to work so darn hard and still not have enough in life. If we didn’t have a belief of the past karma working on our present life, we would be all talking of equality. Our blood would be infested with the sense of vengeance—though for no particular person—and we would all be calculating a measure to exact our right.
Isn’t it wonderful that
Sometimes you have to bear so much responsibility, so much unfairness that you just feel you have had enough. But there is always a second good thought that tells you that you better think again before you act on it. And sometimes, too much of tolerance, too much of understanding puts so much weight on you that it simply suppresses your mind and you cannot go further. I know it is good to always consider that second good thought. But it really goes on and on and you become just a riddled person.