Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Fuzziness of the Mind

I don’t know what reality is and what is not. I’m sure most go through such moments—where they are not sure of what really happened and if it really happened. I’m dancing in this moment right now and it is driving me crazy in a way. I’m trying to think of whether something really happened. I try to concentrate and pick the details of it but I am unable to do it because it just vanishes off before I can see the picture.

I know something really happened but why? Why am I not able to see it clearly in my mind now? In a way I am happy but I find myself trying to figure it out and I am not able to catch it. That is how it drives me crazy. I must have been crazy then when the moment started. It is not something I would be happy to remember but I still wonder why I am so least bothered about what happened. It is unexpected of me. I never thought I could just say, that is the way of life and it happened, so what?

I think as we grow up, our reasoning power and the way we see life changes into such broadness that we can accept anything in life. I am a person who takes life as it comes but I really thought I cared about what name I got in the society. But now I find myself thinking that I could just live my life and not bother about what people think about me. Maybe that is a positive development but I feel a little bothered since I feel a little crazy to go into the past and not remember what really happened. I’m sure I wasn’t dreaming but if it was the reality, how could it slip from my mind like that?

I must accept it but it is really driving me mad that I can’t just sit and remember it. I shouldn’t bother but so unconsciously I’m on it—I wish I could meditate right now but I am not getting the mood. Maybe that is exactly when I should meditate but I just can’t start. Let me console myself that it will pass just as everything does. I hope it will and it will stop torturing me by the fuzzy flashes of what I shouldn’t have done.



No comments: