In this page, you will see letters I have written to my baby. I started talking to her through letters before she was born. I imagine her reading them when she is a teenager, going to high school or when she is a mother herself.
4th November 2013
I went to Lobesa with the guests on 29th October and came back to Thimphu only on the 1st November. It means I was away from you for three nights. The first night there I could not sleep well. I called your daddy to find out how you slept and I was told that you did not have any problem at night. You woke up just once but you went back to sleep without fuss. Still again, the next day, I was worried and called your daddy again to be told the same thing.
And on the 1st November, when I got home you were fast asleep. Just so peaceful and sweet as always. I kissed you but you didn’t wake up. Daddy slept near you because he said that if you knew that I was there, you might wake up in the middle of the night and start asking for ‘nunu’. At 5 a.m. the next morning, you did see me and you wanted it so badly. I explained to you that it was now rotten and if you drink you will get stomach ache and will have to go to the hospital to get a painful injection. I know this is just not something you want to hear. You cried. You cried so loudly and then after that you did not go back to sleep. Both of us got up. After a while, you went to Abi and you stopped crying. You forgot ‘nunu’ for a while. That day again, I had to go with the guests.
Again later that night, you wanted nunu. And I had to tell you the same thing. You woke up around five times that night asking for nunu but fell asleep each time without much fuss. I thought it passed and you will sleep better last night but you woke up exactly at midnight and you cried so much. When you did not have nunu, you said you wanted to eat. I heated the food for you and gave you milk as well, but you did not eat much. In fact you ate just one spoon of rice and drank a little bit of milk and water. And after that you slept on my lap. When you asked for nunu in half sleep, I told you that you can’t have nunu but if you would like water or milk. It was then that you woke up and cried and made a fuss. Your daddy thought you would have gone back to sleep if I did not ask you if you wanted water or milk. He thought I provoked you. But I was worried that maybe your throat got dry like mine. I wake up at night to drink water because my throat gets very dry and I get nightmares where I am in very desperate need of water. Anyway, after that you went back to sleep and you did not wake up again. I think you did want something to drink.
Yesterday afternoon, we went to Baby Jangdren’s house and stayed for around four hours. You had a good time. You two played a lot together. She had flu and it seems you caught flu too now. This morning you were surprised that your nose was running and your hanky got dirty so fast. I hope you fight it well and you will get well soon.
I love you darling. You had an extended breastfeeding till you were exactly two years, 10 months and nine days old. Now you are a little young girl. When I came back from Lobesa, I thought you actually matured a lot in three days. You were talking a lot with your Abi and you seemed so much matured.
There is always something fascinating about you. I love you darling.
14th October 2013
You are sleeping just now. You may wonder why all the letters are written when you were sleeping. It is because it is at this time that I sit next to you quietly, watching you, or thinking of you, though you are very close to me, admiring you, loving you and feeling grateful for the gift you are to me.
Last night in your sleep, you were drinking ‘nunu’ and suddenly you bit it. I woke up when it hurt so much; I pleaded you to stop it but you didn’t. I had to force it out. It hurt so much and in a chaos of me pleading you, you cried, but fell asleep quick enough. You woke up again, maybe an hour later and you wanted ‘nunu’ again. I offered the left one but as usual, after you nursed on it for sometime, you wanted the right one. When I told you that it hurt, you didn’t listen. But there was no way I could nurse you on the right one. It hurt so much. So when I didn’t allow you, you cried so much. Your daddy scolded you, trying to explain to you that it was hurt. But you cried more and this got on his nerves and spanked you on your bottom. It wasn’t hard I know, but you cried more again, and louder. This created so much chaos until I had to get up, turn on the light and play with you, so that you would forget the craving for ‘nunu’. You did. It was around 5:30 a.m. After the light was turned on, I checked how hurt it was. It had bled a little and there was a brownish red mark on the nipple. When I showed you saying that it was hurt, you said, ‘it is small one.’ You said it with such cute expression, your eyes almost closing, smile streaking your face. Later, when daddy said that he was sorry for spanking you and asked if it hurt, you said, ‘it hurt big’. I felt so funny that you should say that you hurt big and the sore on my nipple was a ‘small one’.
You sure are witty little girl. I tell you, there is always, always something that you amaze me with.
Today was the last day of the ‘sampa lhundup dungdrup’ at the Thimphu Memorial Chorten that was presided by the Namkhai Nyingpo Rinpoche. Today is the 10th day of the nine month of the Bhutanese calendar. It is considered an auspicious day in Buddhism. Abi had left at 5 a.m. to the chorten. Daddy, you and I went only around 9:30. We went hoping to be able to go to his audience to get blessing but because there were so many people, it wasn’t allowed. I was surprised to see so many people. Police had to stand at the door and check the traffic. Instead of making two lines: for entry and exit, they controlled it in such a way that when people went in, those who were coming out had to stop and vice versa. Anyway, it was such a big crowd and it rained as well. You were excited to go there in kira. You looked cute and I could see so many people looking at you with joy and admiration.
We did just three rounds of kora, prostrated and went to town. It rained and it wasn’t so nice. It is such small things that take our day.
Anyway darling when you are sleeping, I need to work a bit. I love you and good night.
4th October 2013
I have been wanting to write to you but I have been busy lately.
You, your daddy and Abi are bit unwell these days. All of you got flu – it has been four days now. You got fever and we gave you medicine for three days, just once before going to bed. It helped you a lot. The first night you fell sick, you were not able to sleep well. You had a disturbed sleep and you kept clinging on to breastfeeding. That was bit irritable for me as well. It usually gets irritable for me when you cling on it because there isn’t much milk like there used to be when you were an infant. It reminds me of what you said to your Abi. One evening I had just returned from office and you were nursing. Abi said, ‘nunu dirty’. You looked at abi and said, ‘Abi ma se wa, nunu zhimpu la’. You mean Abi doesn’t seem to know it; nunu is delicious. This made both of us laugh. It was really witty of you to say something like that.
Then another time, when we were coming back to our house from a baby shower in Aunty Lungten’s car, you did something that she didn’t want you to do. When she kept on asking you not to do it, you screamed and said, ‘Ana Lungten dirty’. When she replied, ‘Dechen very dirty too’, you said, ‘I take bath.’ We all had a hearty laugh again. During that baby shower and at a birthday party the previous night, you were a very good girl. You behaved well – by which I mean, you didn’t act clingy. You played with other children in another room and didn’t bother that I was not with you.
Another incident I have wanted to tell you is that, a week back after your bath when I was putting cream on you and trying to help you dress, you kept moving, trying to drink nunu and all that. Then when I told you that first you have to make sure that you look good, to my surprise you asked, ‘like princess?’ It is surprising that you actually know all this. I was surprised that you have the idea that princess is supposed to be beautiful. I thought maybe you got this idea from the song we sing, ‘oh oh little girl…./you are gonna dress like a little princess. You are gonna go to school feeling great.’
Anyway my little darling, you are growing up in a fabulous way. My gorgeous, gorgeous darling, I love you. It is 9:10 p.m. just now and you are sleeping peacefully next to me.
28th August, 2013
Few days back, we were in the sitting room. I was sitting on the sofa and you were just playing – going here and there, walking, sneaking somewhere. You are that restless kind – who cannot remain idle at all, not even for a minute. I am told that active kids are good kids – which means they will be more intelligent and sharp in observing or learning things. I seem to believe in that. Anyway, as I sat there on the sofa, watching you, I suddenly felt a pang of strong emotion engulfing me. I held you close to me and said, “I wish you would always be a baby like this, you are a baby, aren’t you?” But you replied, ‘No, mummy’. Then a second later you said, ‘abi’. You have the knack for such humour. You deliberately give us a wrong answer, or an answer that you know is not what we expect, with a mischievous grin. At that moment, I felt that as you grow up and go further from me, by distance, as well as, in closeness (not having to hold you to my bosom as a baby), I would feel a great loss, though it is just a natural way of growth.
You have the knack for making play out of anything you see. For example, when there is no toy at all, like when we are outside at someone’s house, or in the field, you make us imagine something. You either pull a stick and make that a water pipe, then making gestures of washing clothes, washing hands, or washing face. You say, ‘where is the soap. Give me soap’. Or we have to say the same. Then, you imitate a gesture of applying soap and scrubbing your hands. It is incredible that children at this age can think of so many things, and imagine so many. This morning I overheard you and your grandma’s conversation that struck me and stayed with me the whole day. She had taken you to another room, just to distract you so that you wouldn’t nag me when I was getting ready to go to office. You were pretending to be very tired, breathing hard, going, “hu…hu…hu.” Abi said, “Wu duk pa mo?” and your answer was, ‘Yusipang ga dewa.”
We planted potatoes in Yusipang and went there twice recently to harvest them. You played in the field all day as all of us got busy. You nagged me a few times when you were hungry, wanted to go to toilet or got sleepy. Otherwise, you played in the field sitting or standing close to your grandma. Your answer this morning meant that you went to Yusipang to work and was tired.
I wanted to write you this letter to tell you that you have now started calling your grandma Ama. You call her that especially when you want her to pamper you, or you want her to give you special attention. You have stopped calling me ‘mama’ or ‘ama’. I think you decided that you are more comfortable calling me ‘mummy’ as you always did. Oh there is another thing. You used to call your cousin Sonam Dorji as Tinku. You nicknamed him that soon after our arrival here from Melbourne. He would tease you by tickling you, saying, ‘ticku ticku’ and his name became Tinku. But recently your grandma taught you that you should call him Ata Sonam Dorji, and you do that. Even when I sometime mistakenly address him as Tinku to you, you say, ‘no, ata Sonam Dorji’. I am glad that you are growing fast, picking the right things.
While I feel unhappy that as you grow and become independent, the bond we share will naturally change, I am happy that you are growing up to be you.
Darling, this is us right now: 28th August, 2013, 8:45 p.m.
11th August 2013
You are sleeping next to me as I write you this letter. I am filled with regret and pain and as I look at your gentle, peaceful face, I feel them more. Today I was bit irritable. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because it was just two of us at home and when I had to do some small household chores, you didn’t let me. We were playing, your toys all scattered round and I got distracted in the middle of it by picking up the small pieces of Lays thrown around by you and daddy. Then, suddenly, starting from that distraction, before I knew it, I was carrying the tall broom and taking off the spider webs from the corners of the ceiling. I also started noticing that there were more flies inside the sitting room than usual.
We chased them out the door too. But we didn’t really succeed. Anyway, my distraction began that way, and it is when we can’t sit with you giving you full attention that you nag us more – demanding that we be with you in complete attention. I regret for having gotten distracted that way.
Then, just as we were in bed, trying to make you rest and put you to sleep, the doorbell rang and it was my brother – your uncle Wangdi. We served him lunch. He told us that he was to be joined by Azem and his wife, who had gone to attend the 14 day ritual of one of our relatives. True to it, they did come. Even as I attended to them by serving tea, you were restless. I had to scold you several times today. You started throwing your toys to my niece Kezang (Ata Sanga’s second daughter) who was also coming from the same ritual. Every time I told you that you were doing something that I don’t approve of, you cried. Anyway, we went to see our cousin, Ata Pema Tenzin who was brought here on an emergency from the village due to his sudden serious sickness. On the way, as we shopped things to take there, you bought a bulldozer toy. Your interest in it seemed to have finished before we had paid. But you did play it again after we got home. So, when you got restless when I was serving them tea, I tried to put you to sleep again, but failed. And we went to see my cousin with you still restless. But you didn’t behave too badly at his house.
After we got back home, (it was 6 p.m. by then) I gave you dinner and was trying to sleep when there was a knock on the door again. This time it was your grandma, and shortly, your daddy came too. And your sleep was disturbed again. You got agitated again as I prepared dinner and then after dinner when I was doing the dishes. When I asked you to give me your sippy cup in which you drank juice to wash, you threw it at me, a little waywardly that it hurt my hand. I have been telling you not to throw things, and be gentle. So I spanked you on your bottom. You cried seeking my attention, wanting me to tell you that I was sorry and to take you up in my arms. But I didn’t. Then your grandma took you away – but she had not yet finished eating her dinner. I quickly washed the dishes and attended to you. You were not angry with me – but still, feeling sorry for losing my temper with you, I said sorry to you. You said, ‘I love you’ in that tone that melts me. You really are a very sweet little angel darling. I am sorry my dear. In the bed, when I asked you where I spanked you, you showed me the spot. Then I told you that you have to listen to ‘mummy’ and be a good girl. I tell you every time you are sober that you have to be gentle and you shouldn’t throw things. But you do not answer that you will not do it. I tell you that you should say, ‘okay mummy’, but you don’t. Anyway, I want you to grow up to be a sensible girl. I am sure you will. And what I do is for you. Though some may argue otherwise. But I tell you, there is no sweetheart like you. I love you.
P.S. I must also tell you that yesterday we went to see baby Jangdren who is sick and is in the hospital. She got rash all over her body. She scratches because it itches and it bleeds. When we visited, she was crying so loudly, protesting that the dip be taken out – it was put on her foot. We are hoping that she is getting better now. She has very severe eczema and has been having a very difficult time. We all pray that she will get better as she grows older. Aunty Pema Wangmo is also here with Lasem. Her father is hospitalized with liver cancer. He is 77 years old and there is no hope of cure. So he is in the hospital basically to ease the pain. However, she has taken leave from work in Australia for three weeks and will be going back on 28th of this month. We all have a mixed feeling about it. It seems a bit unfair for her father that she should leave knowing that he will not be living for long. Anyway, these things are way beyond what you will understand at the age you read these letters. I am sure you will read again, as and when you feel like, not just once.
31st July 2013
Today was Ana Khenden's birthday. We just got back from her birthday party. It was at a hotel called the Cafe Klein. They had not invited many people as they usually do. It was just their close friends and family members. Since you had not slept during the day, you were really sleepy and you just stayed with me and didn't go with children to play. Anyway all the children there seemed to be of ages six to eight and Abi said you knew that you wouldn't fit with them. But Ata Tombo kept asking you to come upstairs to play - where all the children were. You kept munching on the pizza and didn't go but after the cake cutting your sleep seemed to have gone away. You went upstairs and played there and enjoyed going up and coming down the stairs. However, you didn't nag on wanting to keep playing there when it was time to come home.
It was raining a bit when we came out. You had taken your new white umbrella that I brought. So you used that. You were wearing a white dress and you looked so perfectly marvelous. When I asked daddy to help Abi, he was taking too long. He was left far behind us and seemed to be waiting for Ajang Tenzin. Then, you took her hand to help her. In a while as we stood there waiting for daddy to come, you said to me, 'hold it hand' and put abi's hand in mine and only then you went with the umbrella to explore it in the rain. I was so surprised when you said that. I called your daddy to share it. Abi was surprised too. She said you are a brilliant little girl. I was happy you observed such details and knew what you should do. I exclaimed that you will be a girl with common sense. It indeed means that you observe everything around you and we should make sure that we behave correctly and have you grow in a positive environment.
Later as I talked about it in the car, you said, 'abi Bo dena'. You meant to say that abi would fall down and we should help her. I think it occurred to you that she will fall down if we didn't help her because as we went there and walked down the stairs, she fell down. If she didn't have a railing to hold on to, she would have fallen down really badly. I was carrying you in the crook of my arm and was trying to help her with the other hand but her shoes kept slipping from the very slippery stairs. So a lady passing us helped her. We thanked her profusely but she didn't respond.
I was not in the best mood as we went there. Daddy had to go for a meeting at 5 and he took a long time that we decided to go ourselves and went there taking a taxi. We were all bit impatient because we were all ready and he had been gone for more than an hour. Abi kept saying that you are sleepy as well and I am not listening to her when she said she didn't want to go. I also wanted her to wear her new shoes but she didn't listen. So we were both in a little bit of a locked situation. Anyway, we were fine after we got there. Daddy joined us much later after the cake was cut and some people had started leaving. A while after he joined us, we left. You fell asleep as soon as we got in the car and didn't wake up even when we climbed the many stairs to our apartment. You are still sleeping soundly as I write you this. I will sleep too now. Goodnight darling.
I love you,
26th July 2013
It has been such a long time. I know I am starting my letter with this sentence every time. I ought to feel a little guilty for not being regular. But honestly, it doesn’t mean that I have not been involved with you, or have been less attentive to you. Like I told you, you love your grandma and you are having a very good, fulfilling days with her. I don’t have to worry that I have to leave you everyday because I am a working mother.
Not many days ago, I read an article called Marriage in Buddhism where it talks about marriage, divorce, child rearing etc. It says that what kind of person a child grows up to depends entirely on the parents and in modern times, because both the parents are working, children do not get the attention, care and love as they ought to get. It even advises that in such a situation, a mother should choose to leave her job. That inflicted a bit of guilt in my mind, probably because I have been having such thoughts myself. However, it is impractical. You will know what I mean. But of course, it doesn’t mean that I don’t give you my love and care. I play with you as soon as I get home. We are together, building a house, making a swing for your doll, or building railway tracks. I am praying that, it isn’t less than the amount of care and love that ought to be given for a child to feel loved and cared. I do hope and pray that you will grow up to be the most sensible person.
Anyway darling, you have grown up so much. You speak Sharchop as well as English. Sometimes, you seem to speak it even better than English, though latter was your first language. It excites me to watch you play with your grandma, conversing in Sharchop. I also feel more comfortable now talking to you in Sharchop. Before I was uncomfortable because I had been speaking in English with you all along. For example, last evening, you were making a swing with a piece of cloth by tying one end to your bicycle and you were saying, ‘chhing nang phi’, to your grandma. I was surprised. This word is not something you will pick up easily. And again, you said, ‘thrik ken la’, when she warned you that you might fall down from the stool you were standing on, and fiddled to help you.
You are growing up in a fascinating way. This morning when your daddy and I were leaving for office, you gave us a hug and a kiss and said, ‘I love you’. This is how charmingly cute you are. And you melt our heart. We love you so much darling. And I tell you, you are everything we got.
18th April, 2013
I have not written to you for such a long time. I feel guilty because I inwardly told myself that I will write to you regularly, telling you everything that is going on. Anyway, we have been in Bhutan for three months already and you are now settled properly here. Initially after our return from Australia, you stayed with my niece, who had finished class 12 and was waiting to go to college. She left and you had to adapt to change once again. You had to undergo numerous changes – both in lifestyle, food, and environment, and I have been sorry about all this. But you tell me that you are a strong girl. Oh as I say this, I remember this incident. Yesterday, I was telling you that you are a strong girl. Then you sang, ‘strong girl, strong girl, where are you?’ You have the knack to sing everything. If you hear the pigeons outside, you sing, ‘bird, bird, where are you?’ Once you were in the toilet and saw the water droplets falling from the water tap. Then you went, ‘water, water……laaa…..’ It is really amazing to watch you grow. Every day you surprise me with something new.
Last evening, when I reached home from office, you were sleeping. You must not have been in a deep sleep because as we opened the door, you woke up. You had opened your eyes, droopily, and was trying to take in the scene. Then, as I went near you, you started to cry, saying, ‘mummy’. I love you more and feel more attached to you because you are not comfortable with others as you are with me. You don’t cry when I am not there. You are more careful and you eat better when I am not there. I started feeding you and fell asleep after sometime. Later at night, you woke up and ate your dinner. Then when you were going back to sleep after that, I had to breastfeed you again. You are under extended breastfeeding and there isn’t enough milk, anymore. After you suckle for quite long, you tell me, ‘not coming,’ or sometime, ‘not working’. I wish I still had enough to feed you, even if you should eat nothing else. As a mother, this is something I can do for you – and it might go on till you are three, or at least till you are 30 months.
Yesterday, when Daddy’s alarm went off and he was about to get up, you said, ‘no, no, I will get it.’ Your daddy and I looked at each other and smiled happily. This is new. You know all the words – but at most you can put three words together. Now, you are constructing full sentences. You used to say, ‘you’ to yourself, because that is what we say. But now, you say, ‘I’. This morning, you said, ‘I going’. You were stepping on your bag, and you said, ‘I stepping the bag’. Then you wanted to take the heater to the sitting room and you told me, ‘I taking it.’ I was like, ‘wow, my little girl is growing up so fast.’ Again this morning when your grandma brought potato and potato peeler, you wanted them and you went, ‘ja ga ge’ (which means, give it to me). It took me back. I was really surprised that you said one full sentence in Sharchop. You are soon going to speak it well; I can see it. You like it so much with your grandma. You guys play so many things – from cooking, to going to school. After you had to stay with her, your daddy started bringing you with him when he came to pick me up. But from last week, you didn’t want to come. You told him, ‘go daddy, go’ and you stayed home. Sometimes, when I ask you, ‘are you mummy’s best friend?’ you say, ‘no, Abi best friend.’ This is really, so nice. We are all born in one family for a reason. Two of you surely have some past bond. She loves you and you love her so much too.
I once told you that I wish you had known your grandfather because he would have loved you, and he would have so much to teach you. He was a person of very strong character. But I am at least happy that you have a close connection with your grandma and she will have a big role to play building your character. I am sure you will learn patience, contentment and generosity from her like I did. What make her personality so strong are her determination, hard work, and patience. She doesn’t have it in her to complain, even when things might seem so dark that her life might be at risk. If you grow up with these personalities, you will find nothing in the world to complain about; you will live in a perfect world – and at most times, it will be better that way – because the world is in fact a reflection of yourself.
Anyway, I am just so glad that you have a best friend in your grandma and you are growing up healthy. You have started eating much better too after you have been with her.
5th November, 2010
Today was the day for me to go for check up. Since Karma went to Nepal, I went to the hospital alone. I found that the ANC is now moved to the old Pediatric OPD. I went from home with my mother – she was going for kora at the Memorial Chorten. I get a feeling that, she will have so much role to play in your life. You will come into this world to find that your grandmother is an incredible woman. Hardworking, very determined and caring.
The nurse told me that my BP is low. I met Ana Kinga, a lecturer at the RIHS. She asked me if I was pregnant and when I told her that I was, she was surprised that for seven months, my belly had not grown. Then when I had to lie down and nurse feel for you, she told me that you are tiny. I hope that doesn’t mean that you are not healthy. I will have to undergo ultrasound next month. As the day nears for you to come into this world, I get more and more excited. Though Bhutanese doesn’t have the culture to prepare a baby’s room, I even find myself wondering if I should prepare one for you. It will be in my bedroom of course. I may even decide to decorate it to welcome you.
The check up completed fast today. I did not have to wait in long queue like we usually have to. I came home after that and did not go to the office. I’m in my bedroom right now, listening to sad emotional English songs. And I’m writing this letter to you by sitting on my bed. Your father has been gone for six days now and after the 3rd day I started missing him so much. I miss him so much now. Especially in such times, when I feel lonely missing him, I feel that I will feel so much better if you were with me. And now as I say this, I can feel you walking beside me, you having begun to speak and pick the curiosity of the world.
I just received a call from Peljorkhang. I had spoken to them about some goods that they had not delivered. They have mistakenly thought that they delivered it. They disturbed me. I think I will start preparing lunch for me and Pem Zangmo. She is studying hard these days, since her exam is not even two weeks away.
Baby, I love you. You do good in there.
With love, Mom.
3rd November, 2010
I’m home. I’m lying in bed, taking rest. I feel a little unwell. Honey is gone to Nepal. I came home by taxi today. I feel little down and I’m thinking of him more today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept seeing unclear dream about being in the hospital. And then when I woke up in the morning, I felt you moving a little unusually more. I hope you are doing fine. I worry about you baby. I can now feel the difficulty in bending to pick things up or when I sweep the floor. Honey asked me not to stress myself much.
Anyway Love, I’m going to hospital for check up day after tomorrow. I’m thinking they might ask me to do ultrasound then. I will know how you are doing then, much better than I do now. I love you. I will see if I can close my eyes and take rest. Hoping to feel better when I open my eyes.
26th October, 2010
I’m in the office just now. We finished our lunch. I could not eat today. I ate Britania fruit cake and I thought I was full. I didn’t force myself to eat my lunch. I will eat later if I get hungry before I go home. I’m feeling very tired too. I am trying to get a quiet rest of few minutes at my table. I’m resting my head on the table. I feel as if I’m sleepy as well. I want winter to be here soon. It is when weather is hot that I feel so tired and uncomfortable and at unease.
I can’t believe that you are already 7 months old and in only 2 more months you will be in my arms. Baby, I can’t wait to hold you. I know I will have more difficult times as you grow bigger, nearing to come into this world. But I’m trusting myself to be strong. I know there is nothing I can’t go through to have you in my arms. Baby, I love you. Rest in peace in there till then.
21st October, 2010
I’m home and finally sleeping, taking rest. I’m sorry I put you through lots of strain. I walked so much and didn’t sleep last night. We had to go to the airport at 3 a.m. It is 3 p.m. Bhutan time now. I love you. You rest well too now.
I’m getting pain in my abdomen and it is worrying me a bit. I’m thinking I will take off tomorrow afternoon from office. Love, Mom
20th October, 2010
It is second day of shopping. It is nearly 5 in the evening but we have sat down for lunch only now. I’m sorry if you felt you were not fed in time. There are times when you have to forego your needs even when tears sting your eyes. You just remember that I love you. Last night, I burst into tears. I couldn’t control. I sometime think I’m an unhappy person. For most part, in fact I have begun to believe that I will never be happy, unless I dare beyond human convention and go beyond my convenience. I hope you will only see my need and help me work on achieving it instead of making me fall in the mass category of making you my reason for getting blinded in desire and struggle. I love you baby.
Mom can’t help marvel at the world. You will see what I’m saying when you grow up. It is just incredible. You need to be strong and sensible in your judgment, no matter what.Take care, Mom
19th October, 2010
I’m in a huge shopping complex right now. There is so much noise and different music played simultaneously. I don’t even know if I feel alive. Dear, I feel alone in the midst of a crowd. I miss home so much. I wish you would give me the company and yet, I know you are totally unaware of what I’m going through. For all the fault I might have done to make you unhappy, I beg sorry. I love you. I promise I will do all I can to make you happy.Love, Mom
18th October, 2010
I’m in Bangkok just now. Lying down on the 28th floor of a Five Star hotel, I’m looking outside the large window to the tips of different clustered buildings. A sense of loneliness and sadness numbs me suddenly. I don’t seem to know the purpose of my life. I’m carrying the Tibetan Book of the Dead with me but I can’t find the mood to read it. TV is irritating but for some reason as if I’m afraid of the silence that will follow, I can’t turn if off. Baby I feel I would feel better if you were on my lap. I think I would really feel better if you were lying on my lap and I were talking to you.
It would be better of course if Honey was with me. I miss him so much. I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time last night. I feel like crying. Baby, I really want to look at you and talk to you as you try to imitate me. I can feel your movement every now and then and when I’m lying down like I’m doing now, as I take my hand on my belly and feel you, I get an enormous feeling of love and happiness – and yet strangely, I feel like crying. Baby I don’t know but there are times when I feel so extremely alone.Love, Mom
13th October, 2010
I felt your heartbeat so strongly as I lay down to rest. Honey felt it too and then he got so excited that he wanted to read the Baby book. Baby, as I imagine you lying coiled up in the womb, I feel a love so real and deep. Baby take care. Grow healthy. Mom.
25th September, 2010
I’m not well today. I saw the doctor but nothing much she has to say. I have caught cough and right now I’m sleeping. Honey went to play basket ball and I heard him return just now. But he hasn’t yet come to the bedroom. My nose is blocked. My throat and lips are dry. I feel uncomfortable and ill at ease. You know dear, sometime I wish you would come into this world sooner. I don’t even know what suffering and discomfort you may be going through. Since all of us have been feeling unwell, I’m thinking that we may have to do some rimdro. I’m getting worried about how you are faring there. I love you. As you grow bigger I’m coming to love you more. I can’t wait to have you in my arms.
With love, Mom
2nd July, 2010
Honey went to the football ground to attend to his players’ practice for National A League match going on these days. He left before it was even 5:30 a.m. I had fallen asleep after he left. But I woke up to find that I had severe pain on the left abdomen. I got so worried about you. The instant thought I had was, if something was wrong with you. I worried that I might lose you. I immediately wanted to call him but I didn’t thinking that I was probably over-reacting. And slowly the pain subsided. I pray that nothing ill will befall you, that I will be able to show the world to you and you to the world all in full glory.
Baby, Honey is so happy that we are going to have you in our world. I can see it in the way he cares me. He is always holding me close to him and it is like ever since we knew about you, we have fallen in love all over again. We are all the more in love and we are always thinking of you and how different and happy our life will be when you are in our hands. We love you baby.
19th June, 2010:
I’ve been talking to you all by myself for many days now. I found that I talked to you more often when I was not well. In fact, I talked to you for the first time, when I was sick and was lying down in bed. I took my hands over my belly and felt you for the first time. I don’t yet know what job it is to be a mother but as I thought of you lying there in my womb, I felt so warm and my love extended beyond me. I love you baby.
Though you happened without a plan, you are so welcome in this world. In fact, I feel, it is an honor for me to bear you and bring you in this world. I can already see you growing up to be a very intelligent person, a person who can figure out his life, all on his own.
I actually knew of your news when I was already in the field for the 2nd GNH Survey. By then, I was pretty late to turn back to Thimphu and so, I had to walk pretty hard mile. But yesterday, after a very hard week of sickness, I have reached Phuntsholing. However, a truck hit our car when Honey was on his way to Phuntsholing to pick us up. I have missed him for two months and it was a great reunion yesterday. We have been thoughtful of you of course. We both love you.
He is right now gone to workshop to figure out the car repair and I’m in the hotel room alone, thinking of you. I did not go with him because I have become very fragile these days. I get sick when I am exposed too long in the sun.
This is all I have to say for now. I love you.
26th August, 2010
I’m talking to an old friend just now and I was telling him about my masters and when I will be leaving. I had to tell him that if I can defer my course I will go in July which means I can take you with me; because you will be six months old then. And suddenly, when I uttered this, I felt tears in my eyes. I don’t know, if it is overwhelming joy. I just see myself looking at you in your eyes, you clutching on my breast and all this and then, I find myself swelling in love. Sometime, it is as if, my life has completely changed. But I know everything is good.
Baby, no matter how much I have to cry, I will make everything good for you. I love you.
16th September, 2010
Mom fell sick day before yesterday. I went with Honey to the hospital on Monday. It was a holiday – Thimphu Dromchoe. But he wanted to go to the hospital because he is now planning to start duty for his department on holidays. You will see what a determined and dedicated person he is. I stayed in his office for more than two yours. I’m aware of you and I always try to pray for you. When we had to wait for him for another half an hour more, I sat in his office and said prayer. And suddenly it struck me that I was sitting on the bed on which the disabled people do exercise. I became so sensitive that I prayed it didn’t mean anything ominous.
Then we went to the workshop to wash our car and we ate lunch there at a canteen. The lunch was good and fresh but both of us got diarrhea that evening. He cured after one day but I didn’t. So I took leave yesterday. I’m better today and I’m in the office.
You know baby, your father is a wonderful person. Very affectionate and caring. He coos me, loves me, holds me and I can’t help feel so lucky that I have him as my life partner and my best friend. He understands me so well that I sometime cry wondering at this good blessing. You will love him too. You know baby, on 13th September, we went for dinner at our friend Lungten’s house for her birthday. It was dark and raining. I had umbrella in my left hand and torch in my right hand. And suddenly, I slipped and fell so heavily and he got so, so worried that he thought you might be hurt. I was so worried too. But luckily nothing happened.
You see, that is how much he cares for you.
You are coming to us to show us a light on life. I know that. And I come to love you more as you grow up.
17th September, 2010
I just finished saying the evening prayer. Your father says prayer regularly too. He prostrates and meditates every day. I’m telling you this so that you come to know us better. I say this so that you hear our prayers; I say this so that you know that we pray for you.
I did not tell you that my cousin, Ata Chaten was here from the village. He was brought here for treatment after he was told that the hospital in Mongar and Tashigang said that they could not diagnose his disease. However, once he was in Thimphu Hospital, he was diagnosed colon cancer and was found that it has spread even to liver. He was told that there was no treatment that a hospital can provide. So he was discharged. Today, it is 3 weeks since he was brought here. He passed away last night at 11:45. I felt so unhappy that he had to die at 48. You know baby, he has two sons who are studying just now. His younger son is only in class five. This fact makes me so sad. How hard it will be for them to grow up without their father. I wish, nothing like that will happen to you. I pray that it won’t. Dear, you have to be strong. From now itself you must know that, once you come into this world, once a life is given, there is something called death, an end, where you can take nothing, no riches, no wealth.
Especially because I’m thinking of this truth so much these days, dear baby, I wish you would grow up to be a person who will understand this truth and want to propel it into bringing benefits to so many people. And in this line, I wish you would in fact grow up to guide me better in my path. You know, I see everyone say that their reason for struggle in life is for their children’s future. This scares me. It scares me that I might fall right into the track people have made. I don’t want you to be my reason for being unrealistic about the truth. I don’t want you to be my reason to forget the dharma. Baby, I so earnestly want you to understand. I wish something like a miracle will happen and you will see my need to get away from this materialistic world. I’m hoping that in fact, instead of you wanting your mother and father to make everything ready for you, like yielding for you whatever you ask for, you will understand that in this world, there is no limit to our desire. I hope you will grow up to be a very reasonable person. I’m sure you will. I don’t want to love you simply because you are my child. I want to love you because you are a good human being. You will understand all this when you grow up and you will see exactly what I am saying.
My friends had the reservation that it probably is not good to go to the house of the dead when I’m pregnant. But I had to forego all such uneasiness. You know, this cousin of mine who died, he is a very good friend of my two elder brothers; besides, his father is my father’s first cousin and I grew up seeing their good relationship. They were very close. And that is why, I couldn’t help not go. Baby, now, I think I will sleep. I love you
Note* This is a letter I wrote to my baby when I was six months pregnant. I loved talking to her through letters