Kuenza's Diary

If you wanna be who you wanna be, begin the walk to where you wanna be. Live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not yet come. “Today is a gift, that is why it is called a ‘present’” ************************************************************************************ Wake up happy…chase a cloud…laugh out loud…whistle a tune. Whisper a promise. Savor a memory. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Live and you shall love living. Love and you shall live to love. Life will be all that is worth! Live while you can live. Love while love lasts… ************************************************************************************ I’m sitting in the class my brows knit together, lips shut tight and my eyes barely open. My head is bursting with pain. I’m getting backache too. And teacher is standing in front of us, abusing us as the bunch of idiots. And he thinks we won’t succeed. I sit here and think he doesn’t know what he is speaking. Who has seen the pote...

1st January 2007 Dear L, Here is another year and it reminds us of the year we have lived so much in fun and yet, it reminds us that we have grown a year older. I still remember the dreams we built and wishes we held deep in our heart – we thought we could really be who we want to be and we so ardently wanted to achieve something not many in history did. And here we are today, standing just where everybody stood for ages and we find that we haven’t done anything extraordinary. But, L, I know that we can still hope because, our life isn’t yet exhausted. I’m sure we can bring changes if we really try hard. We have always talked of the beautiful times we had together and today again, I can’t help but refer to that – it was the most beautiful moments of our lives. I know we both would choose to have it once again, if we were given a choice. But, we have to go forward and look for what life can give. L, I may not be here to call you and talk to you about how grateful I’m for having a friend...

“Commit not a single unwholesome action, Cultivate wealth of virtue, Tame this mind of ours, This is the teaching of Buddha.” “Contentment is natural wealth, Luxury is artificial poverty.” “Man, in longing to be happy, In his ignorance, Destroys his happiness as if it were his worst enemy.” “Don’t sacrifice your long-term happiness for short-term pleasure.” “All of man’s difficulties arise from his inability to sit quietly in a room.”

Ø Frightening silence settled. Ø Choose the difficult right over the easy wrong. Ø My morale took the lift again Ø Black as pitch Ø I got clean away Ø Distantly and only fleetingly attainable. Ø Fairly delicate mockery Ø You didn’t love him=no, but it still gave pleasure.

When you have no freedom to act the way you want, there is always the desire to go on with what you want to do and the fear that blocks it. You are with a friend and you have the fear that your elder won’t like it. You just hang around with friends and there comes the fear again…when you have no act of freedom, it is like being in some kind of hell. The desire soars and the fear kills. Then your life becomes a marsh of sinking sorrow. You feel like you can never be happy. Of course you won’t be unless you can be the person you want to be. Is Marriage a Solution? When life is closing up on me, I feel a shudder of sadness enveloping me in almost a misery. Marriage doesn’t seem a haven to me. I wish I could enjoy my individuality as far as I want. ************************************************************** The summer heat was scorching the very bone in my body. I was dying of thirst and my leg couldn’t carry me any faster. Besides, with my small son on my back, I was drained of all st...

Would you believe that I still miss my parents like hell? I bet you won’t. But the thing is I do. I still miss them like this is the first time I am away from them. Huh…as big a girl as I am now, I oughta be living, knowing the things exactly the way they should be…but inside, I still feel the kid I was. We all have this kid nature and that gives us the fine nudge to things we do. We can’t always think elderly. We, one time or the other give up and feel the softness of this nature in us. That is when we feel so fragile and delicate, craving for being needed. I called home today and when I heard my mother’s voice, tears streamed down my cheeks. I was alone…that was better. At the other end of the phone, I heard my mother tell other people there that I was crying. But who cared? I called her, Ama…and I felt like the baby I was to her. She still cares me like a baby of course. And, in the blurry of tears, I laughed too with the joy of my mother’s voice sinking inside my heart. If there we...

I am so glad I could visit Bodh Gaya this year with my husband and mother. I have dreamt of it for quite long and when it finally came, it almost tantalized my feeling into something like fluffy pleasantries. It isn’t just the sight of the stupa that stands tall and spectacular. It is because of the weight of truth everyone is trying to look for in that place. I know, we won’t find truth with a week’s stay there, nor with a month’s or a year’s, if we ain’t quite sure, what we are looking for is truth that Lord Buddha taught us thousands of years before. But, people there are all in deep meditation and prayer. Many are flawlessly making full body prostrations to the stupa. There is nothing else you can hear there but the sounds and music of dharma; of course, there are intermittent noises from the beggars outside. But it also makes us see the truth. It makes us see the unfairness that has born on us because of our past karma. We rarely try to understand it this way though. We siblings d...

I am once again driven into that state of laughter and fun. My friends are here after their graduation and we feel like we have been away from each other for ages. We have one of our friends studying in RIM, undergoing FM course. We go there, chit-chat and come back home and blare in the moments of sheer joy. We feel like this is life and we never would be completely happy without one another. It is like I was never married but still a young college going girl. We bubble together in the clouds of our imaginations and giggles. I felt those by-gone memories coming crashing on me too strong when we went for dinner one evening. The feeling was too chilling a sensation. We had missed each other so much and a dinner together wasn’t enough. My two friends Kinley and Karma stay with me at my house. We are together for days and still we had so much to talk about. VIT – College where we studied was then just a mere object of our abuse because we missed home and wanted to come home. We were kind ...

Bhutanese, we say are modest and humble, filled with the sense of compassion and generosity. Bhutanese are, with long-preserved traditions and morals the pillars who have stood the test of time and have withstood even to this day the modernistic brass of its color. This is what the world is made to believe. I was there on the film award festival and Bhutanese didn’t in the least seem to be civilized people. This shouldn’t hurt anyone because, it is something we see everyday though we don’t speak it out. People screamed, not cheer. People jeered and pushed others seeking their own comfort. It was understandable that everyone wanted to watch the show…but, where was the feeling of guilt in seeking something for himself? Where was the sense of being helpful? The crowd was consumed more in their own screaming noise than the music that came from the stage. It rained a little earlier and the ground was all wet. And you know what? The police wanted everyone to be seated. One police, mercilessl...

Young girls forget that they are going to age and soon, they will have to leave their cover. Looks is nothing but a façade. “Looks is a bonus”, I heard people say. And, it is true, but there is no one who is so ugly that it may doom her life. And they forget that one day they are going to become old and frail too. I was in Punakha around a week back. I happened to go for Punakha Dromchhe though my purpose there was different. I was there among the many people gathered to witness His Holiness Jekhyenpo perform the historical ritual of throwing oranges (as a supposed ‘norb’). Everyone gathered was solemn and men swam into the river to get them, for they were blessed. Across the river sat an old woman. I guessed she was around 75 years old. As she sighted His Holiness, she stood and prostrated. She didn’t mind the hard ground, though she was old and frail. Having prostrated she sat and then prayed in a long, enlightening tune. I was so touched that I even felt tears in my eyes. But there ...

Tenzin was an outcast since he was nineteen. He started on drugs since he was in class eight, and since then, he was too abused and addicted to take the right move. He was hooked by what he started as a teenager's passion. Even his parents gave up on him and he didn't get enough affection from home. Since he didn't have proper guidance, he flapped around without much of a dream.It was in class ten, that his parents really got upset and turned their back on him. They tried, but they failed to make their son see what was good. Later when they tried to explain, he only abused them and stormed out of the house.Despite everything, he qualified for college, and he was soon going to college. One day, when he was walking back to college from town, he spotted a lonely girl walking before him. She was slim, pretty and gorgeous. He found himself scanning her from top to down. He caught up with her and then introduced himself. As they were walking casually to the college he found himse...

From right: me, Karma, Leki, Lungten, Kinley & Tenzin There were only six of us left in college after two batches of seniors passed out. (Guys excluded). As time neared for us to graduate, we felt more at home there and at times we even wished there were few years more to study. On the other hand, the responsibility to be a working woman hanged an indomitable weight on us. Four years wasn’t so short to think of but it passed in almost a flicker of second. In the beginning we didn’t quite like the place, or the people (we were studying in India.) We were like, when is four years gonna come to an end? And when it did, we were dumbstruck with the feeling that crept in amidst the blues of having to part from friends. I did not have many close Indian friends, but it did mean more than simple parting. Four years of togetherness set in my heart a gloom of heaviness. Five of us were together everywhere. We flocked like feathers of a single bird. (L got along so well with Indians and she o...

Brother Tshering with his son Jampel Namda My parents thought that going to school meant waste of time. They did not have much choice to let themselves see and understand more. What was more important to them was to have someone (to) help them at home. Earning an Education was a long process…even I saw it a very long process when I looked at it then. It would be years before a child can serve as a civil servant and who would live that long? This was their thought. My sisters were not sent to school for the same reason. They were needed at home. They could not be spared for the luxury of learning. They were the indispensable lot at home. But I being the youngest got this opportunity they did not. I feel a little guilty now to think that they had to work at home when I enjoyed in the school. (I call it enjoyment cuz there was no worry of having to work hard, except those exams…and they weren’t too much of a monster) It was my eldest brother who took me to school. My parents didn’t want t...

It is now five years back...It was the first time we were away from home for so long. We were studying in India. Our excitement subsided and we started missing home soon the same day as night fell. We were shown to our rooms, but there were no beddings ready. We slept the first night with our seniors but the second night we had fallen asleep on the barren steel bed... We often remarked on it as being independent. I think we didn't want to trouble the seniors...You don't expect us to have been so comfortable with them the first time we met, do you? This nature of independence lurked in us more like a crowning princess. (When I say 'we', I mean my friend 'L' and I) After a half day orientation, the classes started. We went to a canteen with Indian friends to have fruit juice and we were surprised to see that the bills should be paid individually. It wasn't so in the schools in Bhutan. Bill was paid by whoever had money...Not that we thought it was bad. We foun...

Letter to Raju (8th September, 2002) I was going through my diary and the memories came in a flash – the good times we had. I wanted to let you know that the good times I had with you will always be cherished, no matter what. You are a dear friend I can never forget. You are good in your own way and you have your own ways of making people feel so special of you. I will never forget the good friend you are to me. You must have wondered at the silence that grew at large between us friends, or didn’t you? You were never out of my mind though. Of course your friendship itself is more than I can ask for. True friendship makes life a wondrous beauty and your friendship did in mine. Your friendship has filled my life with bright dreams and my days with happy memories. And your friendship shall remain as a gift in my life forever. Just remember, even when I am far away and silent, you are always thought of with the fondest thoughts and remembered in loving ways and you are missed so much. Than...

In the Rain (18th September, 2002) I was standing under a small shed. The rain splattered down heavily. The sky itself growled and was very dark. I was dripping drenched and at that moment many memories flashed by. I missed home so much and wondered what my parents were doing just then. Do they have a choice to remain under the shed because there is a heavy downpour? No, they do not. It was like a storm. The strongest wind blew. My thought was whether to walk out or stay under the shed. So many mixed feelings galloped inside me and I wished I had a miracle to help the world. 7th September, 2002 I was waiting for my friend in front of the bank, silently looking around the surrounding and admiring them with a nod of satisfaction. Within the range of my vision, an old man went on a cycle. I repeat, and old man. A bag hung down from the hanger in front of him. A flash of thought (of pity and pain) passed through me. I accepted it as a natural thing…but my heart could not accept the same. I...

The Cab Ride Following is a very beautiful story – it was emailed to me by my friend L. I am putting it here so that more people can read and feel his heart. Yes, you might as well dance, even if life is not the party you hoped for.This may bring a few tears to your eyes……..PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT ‘YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEYWILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. Take a minute to read this good story. THE CAB RIDE Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Underthese circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to thedoor. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute...

Lungten and I in front of our hostel (VIT) Friendship On my birthday L gave me a booklet in which she had written about our adventurous but happy times in India. She had left some pages at the last to be filled by me and the following is what I wrote in it. It took me months to write down in this booklet. I indeed felt overwhelmed at that very moment to know what to write. Feelings were numerous and thoughts rang on…what I’m going to write is not going to be very different. We traveled the world together and in essence, everything is same, except that it is going to differ in the way we express. Here I go. I look back over the years and try to remember everything in a moment of one thought. But, it is impossible to occur. Four years is not a short duration. We had the larger part of our lives spent in India. We did not cripple; we moved with the same resonance that Indians took. When we stepped into the college that day on 14th August 2002, we were kind of frigid. We were not scared bu...

Snatches of Conversation I’m sorry that it has to come to an end this way. It has nothing to do with not loving you. It has turned out this way. Sometimes, things have their own hand on us…we can’t really make them not happen. My dear, just keep smiling…because that seems to be the best way to live and let the world blow with her own cruelty. If something is damaged, we can mend. What is hurt can be healed. If life were to be lived backwards, there need not have been a future. What matters is how you are going to live and how you are going to end your story. If you are not there when I need you, where is the use of your loving me? If I find you gone, when I’m lonely, where is the use of your being mine? It is same for everyone. Everyone has to fall in love, and everyone has to feel the pain. For me, life means living each new day, hoping, we could live better than yesterday, not having to bring yesterday into the memoirs of today. It doesn’t mean that you have to overlook the past alto...