Kuenza's Diary

I read this now and laughed all alone. Don't quite know what mood I was in... You said hi but I wasn’t sure it was you You said I knew who you are And you called when I said you’d if you were who I thought you were Oh yes, it began more like a joke Now we stand more committed than anyone I asked if you’d like to take an adventure You said, “I join you for the adventure” Did I call you honey? There wasn’t a dearer word I held you in my heart And wanted never to part Many years have passed The adventure began once upon a time But here we stand now As new a lover as the two darling doves Marriage didn’t have to be spelled It happened in our heart And we knew the knot was tied And promise was sealed Oh! My sugar! My honey! I love you I miss you more than ever And I wish I could ride the moon to be where you are

When I go to bed, I always pray I have the ability to know that I am dreaming. But it hasn’t been successful. I should admit that I am one dumb person and such clarity hasn’t been expected miraculously to come my way. It was few days back (11th December, 2007) that I saw a very vivid dream that haunted me and didn’t let me sleep. I watched the movie “The Terminator” where the star is a robot and wouldn’t die no matter how many bullets he had been shot. I think this is what gave way to the dream I had that night. I was at my home in Menchari. I was inside one of the rooms and there was some sulking fear that was dragging me from looking straight. Whenever I think of or dream of my home in Menchari, it is always associated with memories of my father and it gives me a kind of mysterious, unabated fear. Some very big fear was tearing me apart and there was my hero to protect me. Funny that it was my sir – sir Phuntsho was the one to hold me at his chest and protect me from this fear that w...

Sometimes, nothing exists in your world. There is no distraction whatsoever. And at such moments, you are what you are and there isn’t any trick.

Did he say he would be back? He did, didn’t he? It has been two months now. The cattle grazed not very far away. Yanki sat on a stone by the river. Yes, she had heard great masters talk of emptiness and how it is likened to a river. “There is no substantial ‘real’ river – there is only the flowing” (Be a Lamp upon Yourself, pp.160) She mentally concentrated on the flowing of the river and thought of her life. She knew, nothing lasts forever. When she fell in love with Lotay, did she think love could lead her forever? Only one thought existed then – that she was in love. Nothing seemed more important. The day she kissed Lotay by that same river, she wanted to live more than ever. But just that same evening they shared secrets and built dreams, he had to leave. He was on hunt for a dream he said would bring more joy than they could find other wise. But to her, what mattered more was their being together. She would have loved waking up together to see the same sun rise than waking up lone...

Following is an article by Tenday in www.nopkin.com and my my comment on the article follows: Changing Thoughts changing with Changing Times When Sonam was a little girl, she always thought she would marry the first guy she meets in her life. But when she reached her teens, she broadened her thinking little bit for she understood that it was ok to go for a second if the relationship with first one doesn’t work out well, that is, as long as the girl remains a virgin. She crossed her teens and then she didn’t care how many boy friends a girl changes and that too for as long as they didn’t spent a night together. By then living together kind of relationship was not uncommon. And so when she met her first boyfriend, she got very scared when he first asked her to spend a night with him. She refused so many times because she had many fears as well as so many ‘what if (s)’. She was more worried about what the society might say about her if they finds out. But after being in a relationship ...

I ain't feeling so good today. It isn't the hangover. No, I do not drink. Did I sound cold to my friend? He told me he thought I wasn't feeling well. But, well...I was normal. Some different views. I wasn't angry. I couldn't disagree either. I thought I wasn't doing wrong by what I was doing. It was only my interest and there was no harm intended. No, not for anyone. Love? I don't know if love shared between men and women and love parents have for their children are same. Ask him. I don't know really. I'm incapable of any thought. I am sinking deeper into some souless dream.

In the tent: Getting ready to go to Gasa school for the 11th November Celebration With Karma, my husband on the way to Gasa.

“I want you to know that I don’t want to chat with you anymore…” Don’t want to chat anymore? Good friends don’t say goodbye like that, do they? I guess it is true that, “Oftentimes we say goodbye to the one we love without wanting to, though that doesn't mean that we stopped loving them or we stopped to care. Sometimes, goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.” Many years we have been good friends and when smog of uncertain reason came up in his head I had no choice but to retrace my path back and hold my heart in my own hands. I trusted his judgment and I didn’t want to ask questions about who was right and who was wrong. I thought he chose the path he did because he knew it was good for him. What right did I have to interrupt and put my perception in him? I was only a person who held little brain and human heart. I had nothing else to offer him. Nothing. Years of friendship ended before my eyes. It came crumbling down and not a trace was left. No we didn’t hold grudge. There w...

I held his hand and turned my back towards him. I didn’t want to voice my response to his talks. I thought I should just remain silent. He took his hand and turned his back towards me, hurt. I thought he was only pretending to be hurt, wanting me to baby-talk and love him. Of course I did that – I took his hand in mine and asked him to hold me close to him. Even as he said “I love you,” tears fell down my cheeks. One of his hands lay on my chest but, sleep was already taking him to a painless dream and he didn’t feel sigh and sob heaving my chest in heavier pain. I felt the cold teardrops in my ears now. I wanted him to hold me and love me like I was his new found treasure. I wanted him to love me like I was the only one. And I wanted him to need me like I was his only happiness. There wasn’t anything I could point to as the cause of my tears. But I guess not a single heart is made to tolerate the capacitance of a load that it cannot carry. I silently consoled myself over the silent te...

Design of Life I didn’t think I would hear of death this morning before anything else – even before I had my breakfast. You mean, my neighbor who I walked with not a month ago is not on earth anymore? A deer barked at midnight. Was it midnight already? But why was a lone deer barking? Ana Sonam said it wasn’t a healthy sound but plead of an injured animal. As she prayed, she asked another friend if they should go and look for it. The sound didn’t come from very far. It wasn’t barking. It was crying. Each time we heard it, a splinter of pain ran through our hearts. I silently sank in my sleeping bag and caught my heart in my hand and prayed that it wasn’t being chased by a predator or was got into a trap. We were in Gasa, sleeping cramped in a tent. But this wasn’t life we were leading forever. We had only come for a holiday. But the deer’s bark? The death of my friend? It wasn’t a choice they had made out of fun. That night, I wished life were designed a little way different – like – ...

I heard about it when I reached Kanglung in class eleven. Not many of the PU fresher went for this most famous blind date in Sherubtse except for those who came from Yangchenphug Higher Secondary School. Coming right from the heart of Thimphu, the capital city of Bhutan, they were those who have wider eyes in everything they saw around them. Timid and shy, Sherubtse’s fantasy and dreams of fluffy romance failed to set in my heart any butterflies except that I took away to dreaming a lot and my diary became my best friend. I wrote every small dream, every small event in my diary and I held it dearer to my heart than any person. Oh yes, there was that 83 stuff. Can you believe I was watching that Hindi movie “Dil to Pagal Hai” last night? And I had many romantic dreams. I felt myself getting carried away to those childhood dreams and the belief of a soul mate. I dreamt like that, though there was no particular person. 83 came into picture much later. Then when I had completed my ISC, I h...

Friday, September 14, 2007 Dear L, We must have written hundreds of letters to each other but it is a wonder that we have so much to share every time we meet and write. I’m glad some thoughts like the ones we share can be as profound as never-ending. I might not be able to give you the profoundest of riches but I sure have my fondest thoughts and wishes on your birthday. I’m sorry that though we were together, the celebration wasn’t there. It just kinda became normal. I couldn’t have thrown a party for you last night but you should remember that I did think of it and had my wishes sent your way…even if it was in a dream. And I had it taken for granted that the big event was coming tonight. I’m so happy that despite our standings in the society as women now, we still have the same smiles and laughter to share when we are together. I’m glad that we still see ourselves through the same thoughts...

Looking at the world outside with a smile Trying to understand what life means

L and I sneaked out an hour for lunch together...We found we still have so much to share and we can talk just as much.

Almost every weekend, we have a dinner together at one of our houses. This is a picture taken after a sumptuous dinner at meritocean’s house. He stays in Changjiji…he had to shift on some urgent note and he is going to be there for just 3 months again. I’m sure he is on the hunt for a house again. From Back and Left to Right: Kyangsom, Tenzy, 5457, Luzee, OcOp and Kuenza Yes, you got it right! This is my husband and I...we were just kinda dreaming of our first date and there our friends were, capturing us in a picture.

(From Left: Sangay, Me and Tenzy) It was one such yesterday that we met and created fun and laughter. We did not know that life would take us further away from each other. The shore remained where it was…the waves moved as they always did. The sea did not look troubled a bit. But there we stood, trying to understand life we might make. There we sat together to watch a movie…to have a meal, or listen to a music. We shrilled out our voice and made faces that only we understood. We hadn’t seen the harsh world. It was a cushion-soft bench. No, we didn’t believe we would be in a different house after seven years. Tenzy and I met often because both of us were in South India. But Sangay seemed to be sinking in sorrow in a place called Durgapur in the North. We had given our exams for class XII and we had nothing much to do. We felt like we were flying for the first time because we didn’t have to study and anxiety had a way of creeping inside us giving more excitement than worry. As we waited...

These are women in nopkin.com...we gathered on 11th August for dinner to discuss about the second cleaning campaign. We decided to have the cleaning campaign in Changjiji area on 25th August, 2007, Saturday. We have expected to have at least 30 volunteers. For detail, see this: http://www.nopkin.com/blog/blog_details.php?id=239

Beauty is not something that arouses desire, but something that arouses admiration It is not something that fakes charm to win praises but a gracefulness of a person. It is not the heart that opens on an instant desire but the heart that dwells on a promise It is not the person who winks you with a signal for the night but the person who holds your sight beyond your eyes.

5th August, 2007 Dearest K, I have thought of a million ways to start this letter and each time, I had to dig out some words unrepeated in our accounts over the years we have corresponded and told each other about everything. But I know no matter how much I tend to confront the presence of your good self in my life, I seem not to be convinced with the perfect words to choose. Anyways. You know, as such days approach and I like to look back and wish to see those two naughty girls walking lost on the platform of Bangalore station, the same two girls playing water at Mysore, the same souls traveling to Calicut in a bus full of men, two perplexed creatures boiling with seamless tears at Chennai Central Station and many more to account for. I feel funny, I feel good, I feel weird and I feel stupid. But above all, I feel simply thrilled to have met a person who knew exactly how to...

Children at Play

With Karma Wangdi With Chhimi..

Letter written to a friend in June, 2005. Something surfacing in your life after what seems like a forgotten decade I want to tell you this as the foremost point: what you have is always better than what you don’t have but long for as it seems good. Ask yourself the question of whether you can start everything all over again. You have known him for long years now. I’m sure you have never known someone as close as him. Now my question is, will you be able to start everything from the beginning trying to know that guy as close as him? And do you think when you are with him you can feel as comfortable as yourself as you are with X? Just cuz X tells you that you can choose your way, do you think you can forget all those moments you have known him and cherished so far? Do you think you can walk away from him to get sth. that you have no knowledge of what will bring? Now, my dear friend, I want you to think everything over. I understand that feeling where you get carried away and feel yo...

14th September, 05 Dear L, I’m at a loss of word at this moment not cause I don’t have anything to say but cause I don’t know how to begin and from where. We indeed traveled a larger part of the world than I can put right out here. Days then were brighter and our laughter more lasting. Life indeed was more than a living. We really lived cause we knew the essence of ourselves and the futility of words uttered at mere envy and leisure. Now, how far have we traveled? And for how long? Can we really count? I know days were more than countable and happiness was simply infectious. We did cry but tears never left us shattered. We always had a way to smile and a reason to laugh. Things never were too bad; and this was all because I had a friend walking beside me who saw nothing but the better side of life. You did make me see many things hidden behind the cloud of life and made me realize the meaning of being an individual. I probably failed you for more times than I can remember. I know I c...

Buddhism Buddhism doesn't shun, it doesn't differentiate - it encompasses everything in its rich vastness. I have always believed that Buddhism is not a religion. It is more than science of mind: I mean to say that it doesn't only tell us how of many things in our lives but it tells us the basic thing of how to live. I have it in my mind, the desire to really feel the realization of the nature of mind and I feel that this will let me be more moral and this fact reassures me that I won't turn nasty - not in any way. Why Killing Animals is a Sin Killing animals is a sin according to me. It is not because Buddhism tells us that it is a sin. It is because, I can feel it inside myself the wrong in it. 1. It is a sin to take lives of other living beings - and it is a simple fact that needs no justification. 2. Humans were not born to make balance in the ecosystem - other animals do that because they are not equipped like humans to have other means. 3. Humans can't be equa...

We aren't rich couples who laze in the luxury of wealth but simple, honest couple who try to grasp small meanings in life and not the bigger riches that vanish in moments. We were both raised in the farming family which makes us more mature than other people of our age. We have seen more than those who are raised in town. We have seen hardship they haven't. He is special because he understands me more than anyone else. Sometimes, even more than myself. He stands by me and give me time to realize my mistakes, if ever there is one. We aren't at that tender age where marriage is taken as some kind of a relationship that can be broken and replaced with a new one. As we move along in life, we together come to understand that marriage is a function of a lifetime that cannot be repeated in the same pattern and that nor can we feel the same for another person in quite the same way we do with that person who hold our hand for the first time. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ...

To me, life isn't about pursuing dreams and forgetting its small subtle things that give happiness. Happiness comes from realizing your dreams Actually what we desire most in life is love and all great people in history have accepted that. The emotions that come in the simplest forms are like ambrosia to the Gods. The sweetest nectar. Love is so eminent in us.....it is like a wave. Rises and falls. That is what I’m saying...actually the basic need for human isn't accomplishing high dreams and ambitions but having what our heart desire. I feel everyone who has got some titles is one who have worked for it If only u knew...love can encompass a whole galaxy in it. I’m sure when two people think of each other; they can really feel each other You are like a rainbow...I can only see u stretch above me with your splendor It’s a longing that a child has for his mom. It’s longing...a craving for the stars to fall There are times when you meet someone and though you hardly know him/her, ...

From Left: Kyangsom, Kinley & I From Left: Tenzy, Leki and I With Phub Dem (she is one on the Right) With Lungten (L on the left)

From M: Dude, you know what, you’re such a special friend of mine. You don’t know that somewhere sometimes down the river once you were there for me. Dude, may the coming anniversaries in your life make love between two of you stronger and have a beautiful life. Dude remember that your lover is the best person in the world and nothing should lessen your love for him. To Bro. Tshering: Persistent practice is what your course demand and I know you have quite the potential for it. A brother’s word resounding in my mind, it even made me feel a little emotional. It carried me way back to the early days of my childhood when I had fun as a kid…and you invented games to keep us all gay. To Karma: I’m sorry for being too idiotic, not even sending you a message. I was bit worried but I thought nothing wrong would come to you. Not because sickness can’t inflict you, but I’ve this faith which says you are strong and would be through with anything. It may seem that I don’t care, but your wellbeing ...

I was sitting outside on a bench, thinking over life; the many small things that constitute life and the inconsistency of our thoughts…the moment was beautiful. A moment where I could just close my eyes and dream beautiful dreams. Life without seriousness sometimes becomes like an undulating waves. You really make things interesting. I say one thing, you say another…and everything just about negates everything. But like it as it is. Maybe you deny your feeling finding them interrupting your principles. The breathtaking scene of the sunset over the sea and the deep blueness of the sea itself, with a romantic song in my heart, and a sight frightfully romantic, I could feel nothing, think nothing and do nothing but miss you like never before. Friendship, love, trust…these are some of the beautiful things in life. I have them because I have you. My love shall last so long as I do…and even beyond that. Love is forever. Some say it…some think it. Some know it.

He expected love to make life complete and had never expected that a relationship might be two difficult people trying to become one. She thought guiltily about how being in love made you so committed; you couldn’t go with other people for long period of time cause, you missed the person you loved and knowing he missed you made you feel like a rat. There were so many things going on in her tone that he couldn’t begin to think about it. If her words were glass and shattered on the floor, in a hundred pieces, each one would be an emotion. It was sad to be by yourself on a sentimental night like this, especially when there was a man you cared about. Cared about….a man you loved? She really did care a lot about him; she wanted to protect him and cuddle with him and be with him, but was that real love? Love should be your heart turning over when you saw him, a melting feeling when you had sex, being willing to die for him if you had to. She trusted him completely. Yet there was something mi...

My Note: Following is a very beautiful story forwarded to me by one of my friends. I couldn't help but cry. I could feel the depth of love that woman showed to those men. I could feel what real heart of a human is. And what we can do to make someone's day in a simple way. We don't have to be very rich or influential but we can as we are, make someone happy just as we are. This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way throughuntil the end! (After the story, there are some very interestingfacts!): I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed mycollege degree.The last class I had to take was Sociology.The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wishevery human being had been graced with.Her last project of the term was called, "Smile." The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and documenttheir reactions.I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say helloanyway. So, I though...

Back to the class. My strength seems to slip away. The enthusiasm seems to falter. As I sit here, good reasons fail to make me believe. The inspirations fail to inspire. I find no use whatsoever to sit here and pretend. As I sat comfortably, letting out my breath…I felt a calm flow of energy within me. I didn’t know what was really happening but I was perfectly happy and I wanted it to last for a long time. In the midst of laughter and fun I stood back in total surprise. What were we doing? I thought we were wasting our time like that. I knew then that it wasn’t the way to live life. It was either to be true in our heart or risk our whole being. I was walking by the street when I saw a cat passing the road. Suddenly a car swooped over out of nowhere and killed the cat! Do you think a notion of getting killed passed over in its mind? It wouldn’t have (like anyone of us) thought of dying that instant but it did. We bask our life in an enchanted pool of unceasing desire. Our life is uncer...

Doing Things the Way I want I want to do things I want to do in the in the way I want to do. I care but little about what others think. To me what matters is what I’m gonna learn in the process and not the stagnant result that would yield but a momentary joy. My Character The flippancy of my mind could be attributed to the very nature of myself. It is not something I’ve got to do with. If people don’t understand me, what have I got to do with it? I can only be myself. The way I’m. I can be talking to a group of people like I’m one crazy idiot. But there always is something more inside. That good, loving, gentle heart. No one is bad in himself. I talk because I feel I need to. It is a pleasure and no hard task.

To train yourself to be an efficient human being, you must first prove it in the work you are dong that you can do the best. What the eye doesn’t see and the mind doesn’t know, doesn’t exist ~from the book “Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence This was one of the fleeting patterns in the mirror. She was too feminine to be quite smart. Pushed his way by sheer instinct. It’s like the weather…the sort that will have to be…for the time being. To take notice of other’s privy. It is utterly senseless and pointless; a matter of misplaced curiosity. Everything hinges on the instinct for success. That’s the pivot on which all things turn. It is great fun to have him reveal his mind to you than have him kiss you. If to love someone is a crime, I won’t attempt it. To love someone is to feel no difference between two people. It means to remain one.

From Jimy An unexamined life is not worth living. Greater task requires greater plans and thoughts. A decision of life cannot be bartered within seconds. Love is painful…love hurts. Gladdened am I that friendship doesn’t. “FAINT HEART NEVER WON A FAIR LADY” Kavita: You know you can spend so much only when you love the person. It is not that money is so important. But you see, money is for us and we are not for money. Brother Tshering: No matter what, you should never forget the purpose you are here.

Buddhism Taking refuge in Buddha – being awakened and not deluded. Taking refuge in Dharma – having proper viewpoints Taking refuge in the Sangha – being pure and not polluted. One should not rely upon the person of the master but rather rely upon the teaching, the substance of his or her teaching, the message of the Buddha. ~Buddha Many who are indifferent to any form of spiritual practice are materially well off in some developed countries, but even then they’re completely unsatisfied. Although they are affluent they are not content. They suffer the anguish of wanting more, so that although they are materially wealthy, they are mentally poor. ~H.H. Dalai Lama Whether I’m exalted or condemned, I will still be the ordinary Buddhist monk and I find it very comfortable. People call me the Bodhisattva of compassion, Avalokiteshvara, but that does ...

Life is a journey. We begin life with a step and the beauty of it lies in the people you meet and the fun you have with them I was lying on a bed (in the hospital) when I came back…I looked around in wide eyes…he was sitting beside my bed. God knows for how long! I fell back into another long hours of drowsiness and unconsciousness as I felt him holding my hands. I was happy that he was there with me. Friends – aren’t they beautiful? They are there with you no matter what. Life is not always beautiful but the few beautiful moments are too remarkable to forget…and it all centers on our friends. Without friends life would be a darn hell…you agree with me? I know you do. Who loves to be alone and lonely? Friendship bridges two hearts into a harmonic rhythm of their beat such that they can feel exactly the same. Friendship flowers but never dies. I accept equally the love and pain, the joy and suffering, the truth and faults, the guilt and remorse…life is not always as you expect. Life is ...