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Indefinable dream

When I go to bed, I always pray I have the ability to know that I am dreaming. But it hasn’t been successful. I should admit that I am one dumb person and such clarity hasn’t been expected miraculously to come my way.

It was few days back (11th December, 2007) that I saw a very vivid dream that haunted me and didn’t let me sleep.

I watched the movie “The Terminator” where the star is a robot and wouldn’t die no matter how many bullets he had been shot. I think this is what gave way to the dream I had that night.

I was at my home in Menchari. I was inside one of the rooms and there was some sulking fear that was dragging me from looking straight. Whenever I think of or dream of my home in Menchari, it is always associated with memories of my father and it gives me a kind of mysterious, unabated fear.

Some very big fear was tearing me apart and there was my hero to protect me. Funny that it was my sir – sir Phuntsho was the one to hold me at his chest and protect me from this fear that was eating me. I tugged at his bosom like a child and closed my eyes to shut out this fear. But I was suddenly to know that my father has been living there without the knowledge of anyone of us. I was to learn that he had actually been living all this time – that when he was on the funeral pyre, he quietly ran away and hid all this time leading a silent life away from us. I then meet him for real in the smaller room in our house. I stroke his face, and look at him closer and find no scar. I lost him in a fire and I thought there must be some scar, but I find none. But he has lost so much of weight and he looks very thin and tired.

I woke up suddenly still breathing heavy and fearful. My thoughts carried me helplessly to my home in Menchairi and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

My husband was in Punakha and only my mother and I were at home. I was sleeping with my mother – which gives me a secure feeling. But, that night, I couldn’t even touch my mother’s hand. I feared that this would somehow be connected to the dream I had about my father. So I didn’t disturb her. I thought I will call Karma but he must have been in some big slumber. It was dead night that time. I thought I would call my friend Yeshey – but that didn’t seem so good an idea either. So I hid behind the blanket and prayed hard. I prayed for my father. I talked to him inwardly, telling him that he should know that he has passed away from this world and should realize the truth and find peace in a better world. I visualized my tsawai lam and sought refuge.

But no matter what prayers I recited in my mind or what talk I tried to talk, I just couldn’t even open my eyes with the fear of finding an image I wouldn’t want to carry the rest of my life.

I had finally fallen asleep with the grace of my tsawai lam but I still had some vague dreams of my father. This has been haunting me and been thinking of him a lot these days. Such dreams bring reality closer to our hearts than anything else and make us want to drive even closer to find the truth.

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