Indefinable dream

When I go to bed, I always pray I have the ability to know that I am dreaming. But it hasn’t been successful. I should admit that I am one dumb person and such clarity hasn’t been expected miraculously to come my way.

It was few days back (11th December, 2007) that I saw a very vivid dream that haunted me and didn’t let me sleep.

I watched the movie “The Terminator” where the star is a robot and wouldn’t die no matter how many bullets he had been shot. I think this is what gave way to the dream I had that night.

I was at my home in Menchari. I was inside one of the rooms and there was some sulking fear that was dragging me from looking straight. Whenever I think of or dream of my home in Menchari, it is always associated with memories of my father and it gives me a kind of mysterious, unabated fear.

Some very big fear was tearing me apart and there was my hero to protect me. Funny that it was my sir – sir Phuntsho was the one to hold me at his chest and protect me from this fear that was eating me. I tugged at his bosom like a child and closed my eyes to shut out this fear. But I was suddenly to know that my father has been living there without the knowledge of anyone of us. I was to learn that he had actually been living all this time – that when he was on the funeral pyre, he quietly ran away and hid all this time leading a silent life away from us. I then meet him for real in the smaller room in our house. I stroke his face, and look at him closer and find no scar. I lost him in a fire and I thought there must be some scar, but I find none. But he has lost so much of weight and he looks very thin and tired.

I woke up suddenly still breathing heavy and fearful. My thoughts carried me helplessly to my home in Menchairi and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

My husband was in Punakha and only my mother and I were at home. I was sleeping with my mother – which gives me a secure feeling. But, that night, I couldn’t even touch my mother’s hand. I feared that this would somehow be connected to the dream I had about my father. So I didn’t disturb her. I thought I will call Karma but he must have been in some big slumber. It was dead night that time. I thought I would call my friend Yeshey – but that didn’t seem so good an idea either. So I hid behind the blanket and prayed hard. I prayed for my father. I talked to him inwardly, telling him that he should know that he has passed away from this world and should realize the truth and find peace in a better world. I visualized my tsawai lam and sought refuge.

But no matter what prayers I recited in my mind or what talk I tried to talk, I just couldn’t even open my eyes with the fear of finding an image I wouldn’t want to carry the rest of my life.

I had finally fallen asleep with the grace of my tsawai lam but I still had some vague dreams of my father. This has been haunting me and been thinking of him a lot these days. Such dreams bring reality closer to our hearts than anything else and make us want to drive even closer to find the truth.


Popular posts from this blog

My Home is no more

Dechen in K2