Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Life's Battle
An Apple
I was to write on it a long time back. But I just checked this back today (February 20, 2009) and I find that all I ever wrote was the sentence, “Today I reached home late and I found…). I never got to finish that sentence. I don’t know what urgent work came up or what mugged my thoughts.
But I remember what I wanted to write. Every evening I reached home, I saw an apple on my bedside table. This touched me so much that I wanted to cry. This went on for many days. Karma wasn’t home. It was just my mother, my nephew, my niece and me at home. Since I had to walk home from town, I reached home a little late. And every evening I got home, there was an apple. How can you not help but be so flatly bitten by such kindness?
It must be an act of all mothers but by God, it is hard for me to take it as natural and not feel touched. She could have taken the apple herself. But she kept the best for me. The big, red, nice apple. And I think I did cry. I was consumed in the appreciation, in the vastness of the unconditional love parents extended towards their children. And I wondered if I would ever be able to harbor such big love.
A Ridiculed Mind
I am very much sane. I am very much alive. But there are moments when I feel so darn close to death, so darn close to madness. I find myself sitting with no particular thought. I find myself wondering on things I can’t figure. Right now, I’m listening to the songs by Norah Jones which in some ways calm my mind. But that also arouses some sad feelings.
Oh man, this mind! It is ridiculous—how it can hop from one thing to another and not know what it really wants. Is it true that we create our own fate? I find it difficult to believe though I often say it when I want to console myself into believing that great things can happen as it has happened to some lucky person. But I think that it isn’t really true because if it were, I’m sure there will be no unfairness or the minimum inequality. Lilac wrote about the unfairness in life—about some people being so rich while some have to work so darn hard and still not have enough in life. If we didn’t have a belief of the past karma working on our present life, we would be all talking of equality. Our blood would be infested with the sense of vengeance—though for no particular person—and we would all be calculating a measure to exact our right.
Isn’t it wonderful that
Sometimes you have to bear so much responsibility, so much unfairness that you just feel you have had enough. But there is always a second good thought that tells you that you better think again before you act on it. And sometimes, too much of tolerance, too much of understanding puts so much weight on you that it simply suppresses your mind and you cannot go further. I know it is good to always consider that second good thought. But it really goes on and on and you become just a riddled person.
Fuzziness of the Mind
I know something really happened but why? Why am I not able to see it clearly in my mind now? In a way I am happy but I find myself trying to figure it out and I am not able to catch it. That is how it drives me crazy. I must have been crazy then when the moment started. It is not something I would be happy to remember but I still wonder why I am so least bothered about what happened. It is unexpected of me. I never thought I could just say, that is the way of life and it happened, so what?
I think as we grow up, our reasoning power and the way we see life changes into such broadness that we can accept anything in life. I am a person who takes life as it comes but I really thought I cared about what name I got in the society. But now I find myself thinking that I could just live my life and not bother about what people think about me. Maybe that is a positive development but I feel a little bothered since I feel a little crazy to go into the past and not remember what really happened. I’m sure I wasn’t dreaming but if it was the reality, how could it slip from my mind like that?
I must accept it but it is really driving me mad that I can’t just sit and remember it. I shouldn’t bother but so unconsciously I’m on it—I wish I could meditate right now but I am not getting the mood. Maybe that is exactly when I should meditate but I just can’t start. Let me console myself that it will pass just as everything does. I hope it will and it will stop torturing me by the fuzzy flashes of what I shouldn’t have done.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I see DEATH in everything
Do you believe there is something like saying goodbye to a friendship? I thought it lasts, just like the sun, the moon, the stars or whatever everlasting thing there is. I thought friendship just builds without needing any basis for it to stand on
Sometime, I wonder if something like luck doesn't go along with me. Neither does good fortune. You know, I have always been content with little things that give beauty in life. I thought they gave me more meaning than any other material things did. I thought I lived happy because of the meanings I saw in life, in friendship, in smiles and in the people I knew. But now, I wonder if there is death in everything. It will be hard for me to believe all these, but I guess that is how life goes on.
This is Bhutan
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