I had just
become a mother and I was home all day, every day with my baby. I was overwhelmed
by love one could feel and surprised by how different it is to just knowing
something and experiencing it. I have only known and heard that mothers and
children share a very strong bond and there I was, experiencing it for the
first time and feeling joyful at this blessing that life offers.
This love is like
this: every time my baby cries, I feel the pain. Every time she falls sick, it
worries me beyond reasonable extent. Every time she does not eat, I think she is
not well. For the first time, you become so observant. You notice even the
small changes in your baby’s behavior and every time you think there is a
slight change from the normal routine, you worry that something must be wrong.
On one of those
days when my baby and I were simmering in the sun light filtering through the
window to our bedroom in December in Thimphu, (one of the coldest months), I heard
a mother and a kid having some sort of argument outside. The mother shouted at
her child and the child cried – wailing in that heart wrenching cry that tears
your heart. The second your children cry like that, you regret everything you have
said or done. I felt sorry for the child and I wondered how his mother could
scold him so much.
And this
morning, I had a similar incident and I come to realize that such incidences
are unavoidable and you could be angry and shout at your children, however
unintentional. My daughter is suffering from cold. She did not sleep well last
night. I wanted to make sure that she was wearing warm clothes and her cold did
not become worse. But for some reason, she just
did not want to wear her jacket. She cried throwing away the jacket every time I
tried putting it on. I got frustrated and shouted at her, talking to her as if
she would see my point. And then she cried the agonizing, pitiful long-tune
cry, tears streaming down her cheeks, making me regret everything I said. I
sighed tired. I realized how challenging motherhood is. Despite all the joys,
there are times when you wish you could swing your hands and walk out to the
city for shopping without that nagging feeling of worry you foster in your mind
all the time (the worry such as, is my baby fine? Has she eaten? Did she sleep?
sit at the back of your mind all the time once you are a mother). You want to
eat a sumptuous meal with your friends without having to ask your children not
to disturb you. The joys outweigh all these because these are minor, unimportant
things you could so easily sacrifice. But at times, such things can mount up so
high, testing your human patience. I enjoy the crazy moments of being like a
child again, playing with her, singing at the top of my voice in the crowd,
jumping around and making funny faces but the continuous demand can be so
strenuous.
But at the end
of the day, you forget those small frustrations. As soon as your child looks at
you with that imploring looks, your mood lifts up. Walking this journey of motherhood,
watching my daughter grow up, waiting for her to talk, imagining the times we
will have together, going shopping and telling stories, I remember my mother so
vividly and reminds me of how lucky I am. I then understand that in our life,
everything happens for a reason and we must pass the small tests that life sets
for us to have the strength to smile.
