The First and the Best

I feel so reassured to know that there are generous and kind people in the world. Because of the difficult people I have met, I have been beginning to think that maybe the world has come to be a sad place where people forgot to treat each other kindly, the way we would want others to treat us.

My family and I visited Adelaide over a long weekend (Friday to Sunday) at the invitation of a friend who lives there. She was in Bhutan before to help Bhutanese by conducting training on hand therapy. She has donated equipment too at the hospital and she is visiting again for the same purpose. She works hard to help people and believes that she can make a world a better place. It is nice to know that there are people who care about our country and want to genuinely help. I am blessed to have crossed path with her (thanks to my husband) and I feel so happy knowing that there are such great people. Now I am not saying this because she treated us so well. I know she will treat anyone she comes to know the same way. I was surprised at how well she treats her staff and patients. The way she talks to her patients is like she is talking to a baby, showing so much care and concern. And I was surprised too by how much energy and enthusiasm they put in what they do. Wow, yes, we have so much to learn! We cannot just be working for the sake of getting some money. We gotta be enjoying what we do.

I found that Adelaide is a wonderful place. Coming from a remote village, I have never got myself to like noisy, city life. I loved the gentle hills, the beautiful parks and oh, yes, the mighty, turquoise green ocean. I was bit apprehensive about the visit because I didn’t meet her before and it was the first time that I would be staying at a Chilip’s house. But no, all my apprehensions were unfounded. This tells me that human beings, yes, human beings after all are all human beings and we are all same, no matter what culture we are brought up in, and what religion we have been made to believe.

This is our first and best Christmas Gift. I went to the girls’ Christmas party at her friend’s house, which gave me another realization that, no matter where we come from, we all like humors and we all tease our friends the same way, trying to climb as high up their sleeve as we can and then raze them down to ground by teasing them till they blush.

It is surprising that Australia has huge farmlands, and a person can own more than 100 acres of it. Thanks to her, I got to see that too. The vast farmlands, the way they live there and how beautiful it is. But it is sad that a famous hand surgeon who is the owner and owns 100 acres of farm is living there on weekends to forget the stress that he gets from his work. As I walked in the garden, and looked at the beautiful blue sky, and then over to the vast stretches of land, I felt so small and then, it brought back my childhood memories.

Everything was so perfect. But I missed my sisters and my mother. Just like a child, I wanted to run to my mother’s lap and watch the world from there, but this time, I know better. I know that we live in a circle. And it is wrong to teach our children that people are very different from each other.  

For the great lessons and great time that I had on this trip, this is with me to stay. And I want to etch every single moment in my brain. Every person must be wonderful, but we don’t always get to see that in people every day. This fabulous weekend brought me home a reassurance that I have long wanted and I am so glad. And I want this to last.

[FB Status today: I feel so blessed. If there was any moment where I felt ill at myself, I repent. I am blessed for sure, because, for all these years I have lived, I have been blessed to cross paths with many wonderful people. I think, human beings at the core are kind souls. They probably want to splash up some ego only in the ignorance of wanting to appear better. Whatsoever, I'M BLESSED.]

Aren’t they just dreams, mother?

I am a person who continuously dreams – this time, I don’t mean daydreaming or having a plan, or having a vision of sort that I want to achieve. This time I mean, I see continuous dreams in my sleep and they don’t spare me to sleep all that well. As I write this article, I just woke up from one such dream.

I have always had the habit of narrating my dream as soon as I woke up and my mother always told me not to because she said that I never dream any good dreams. I worry a lot about her. Why wouldn’t I? I am her daughter. I love her. And because of this love for her, I have kind of pledged to make sure that she isn’t unhappy. But because life is a suffering itself, I am sure there are many unkind circumstances that makes her sad. For all those kind of circumstances that might have caused her to be unhappy, for all the situations I might have made her feel uncared for, and if there were any moments that I must have appeared unworthy of being a daughter, I apologize to her. Because I am away from her, I worry more about her and I have started seeing her in my dreams almost every night and those dreams are not good. I think in a way, it is natural because I think I see those dreams because I worry. I just hope that dreams are just dreams.

My Amku, please be strong as you have always been. This Praleymo daughter of yours will be by your side soon and we will have time to laugh together. I know I am a mother now and I have a baby, but I will still hold you and rock you, I will still talk funny things, sing funny songs and I will still tell you my funny dreams. Yes mother, we will laugh together again, soon. I love you, Amku.

Proving Our Worth Has a Cost

My first semester for the master course is coming to an end. The exam started today. I am making time to study in between the demands I have to meet as a mother. Despite the complaints, it is relieving to feel that it isn’t as hard as the student time back then was when subjects were many and syllabuses were huge. It is surprising that we do manage to learn all the concepts we are presented with and we do master enough courage to test ourselves.

I have told my baby, ‘Darling, you have to be a good girl. Ama has to study for her exam.’ She has become clingy after she fell sick last week. But she plays a lot too and we just have to check that she isn’t crawling around and standing from structures that could fall on her. By her active nature, it seems like she will not be a lethargic woman like me. She must take much after her father who says, ‘I don’t like laziness.’ I must thank them here too for the sacrifices they made in choosing to be with me. I am ever indebted to them for that. I know I would be howling now and craving for affection and consolation in moments like this if they were not with me.

Exam is one thing that puts fear in us and it probably is the biggest motivation to make us study. But amidst the entire struggle, my thought always, always and always linger around what we are trying to prove and to whom. I also believe that, we always, always have a choice. So, it is lame to ask why I should prove anything at all to anyone because it is out of my choice that I am here. But no matter what we choose, there are always times when we ask ourselves if the choice we made was the best one and if we had the clearest and the sanest mind at the time of making choice, if we would have made the same choice.

I could choose not to prove anything at all to anyone and just be a mediocre earner, losing half of the friends I have now. I could choose to resign and be a housewife. I could choose to be a teacher in a primary school (which is tempting me more everyday) and be the happiest developer of human beings. Or I could struggle to prove my capability to climb the ladders as high as my peers and be unhappy that I should even worry about proving at all.

But I see the end coming – the end which would really stop me from trying to do anything at all that might not make me happy. I might become a full time mother and a housewife. I might become a teacher. I might become a customer care representative. I think I am better at talking to people and making them happy than anything else on earth. I might as well do that than attempt to write computer programs, create computer networks and chase bugs in the programs.

I might as well put a stop to proving. But for today, I’m glad the exam did not harrow my bones out. They after all do not kill us. They are even easier than we fear. But that is not the reason to keep yourself unhappy. The journey counts.

Goodnight Song

My baby and I have the habit of putting everything in a song. We sing together every small bits and pieces of words we can put together. Now when she claps, it makes sound and she gets so excited and happy about it. She claps her hands and looks at me, her eyes twinkling. We sing, 'Clap your hands, clap you hands, listen to the music and clap your hands.' The first time she learned clapping was when I sang the song, 'If you are happy and you know, clap your hands.' Whenever I sang this song, she put her hands together. That was more than one month back and that time, it did not produce any clapping sound. I realize that there can be nothing more joyful than to see your baby grow up in front of you, intricately sharing the moments of her growth. It is so fulfilling. It even feels like your purpose in the world has been accomplished. 

Last night, when we were going to bed, we sang a goodnight song, which I am putting here. It was actually built impromptu -- the words woven without giving much thought. My usual lullaby apart from, 'Hush little baby' is 'Bachi bachi, zamin dazu, bachi bachi,' which means,'Sleep, sleep, little girl, sleep.' Sometime, singing the song spontaneously bonds us so close that we both laugh and then, we jump in joy -- literally. Singing last night's goodnight song was one such moment. She did not sleep for a long time. We clapped our hands for some more time, we sang the goodnight song a few more times, and then we finally bid goodnight to the world, thanking the almighty (we refer to it as Lord here, just because, this word fits better in our song). 

We're gonna sleep now

And say goodnight

But before we say goodnight

We're gonna thank the Lord

For giving this beautiful day.

We're gonna sleep now

And dream wonderful dreams

But before we start dreaming

We're gonna thank the Lord

For making today a beautiful reality

We're gonna sleep now

And say goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

Goodnight beautiful world

Slumber softly in the sweetest dreams

We felt we needed to thank whoever has the hold on the thread of our life because we have both been suffering from flu for sometime now. I have been having some breathing problem yesterday and for the whole day, I kept thinking of death. Then the storm in Melbourne left us feeling so small in the big unpredictable schemes of the world. As we started to resign to bed, relief filled us and felt happy that despite the unpredictable nature of life, we lived to see one more day without much problem we would categorize as suffering. 

A letter to my daughter

My dear, 

A few days back, you could sit only with support. We would put a blanket around you and you would play with your toys for hours. Now, you can sit without support. You roll around and respond to our smile. How my heart melts to see your eyes twinkle with that sweet innocent smile! You have also started watching nursery rhyme videos. 

I can’t believe that it has been seven months already. I look back and find that times have passed very fast. It is like only yesterday that I held you on my bosom as an infant. I now realize that even when you have grown up, you will remain a child to me and this is how all mothers must feel. I have seen cases where parents love their children and are over-protective of them. This I now know is not because of any ill intention of not wanting to give freedom to their children. Their children, no matter how old remain children to them and they are afraid that they will be hurt, and they think they should be there to protect them. Parents naturally feel that it is their responsibility to do so. 

When I tell you that you will be a child to me always, I do not mean that I would want to be over protective and will cocoon you in my care, not letting you explore your own world. I will protect you from fire or any accident that is in my control as you grow up and when you have come of age to judge things on your own, you will do so. But some things are out of control and you must know that a mother cannot protect you from everything malicious and cruel in this world.  And when you need a friend, I will always be there. I don’t want to be a mother who oversees your welfare and forget your true feeling. More than anything, I want to be your best friend. I would like you to run to me after school to tell me your exciting experience and what new things you have learned. My child, I can’t wait for you to talk – because I know I have so many stories to tell you as you will have to tell me. I already see us walking to the park or going shopping – you in a lovely colorful dress, your sweet smile never leaving your face.

People look at you and say, ‘so cute! and I mutter a thank you but I was struck by what a new friend I met couple of weeks back told me. She told me that we should never tell a baby that she is cute, but instead we must say that she is clever. Because, when she grows up she will want to be cute and good-looking and will put every effort to look good. I don’t know how true that is, but of course, not just as mother but as the first person you have known, I would like you to be a bright, intelligent girl than anything else in the world. It doesn’t matter if you don’t look all that good. Rest of the world will fall down beneath your feet or at your level naturally, if you have the wit to know what you want and how. 

My little darling, for now, all I can do is marvel at how fast you are growing up. And I must tell you that, I enjoy every bit of my time with you and I am a proud mother. 

Love,

Signed.