Friday, January 29, 2010

Finally, yes finally

I wrote before that I am not interested to learn driving. It just wasn't in me. But now, more out of necessity, I tried to learn it bit by bit. I didn't have straight days lessons. I drove once when I went home from office, forgot for a week and so on.

I thought, I will never drive. I also thought, it would be easier if there was a way for me to steal the interest to drive from zealous drivers.

But finally, Karma had to leave for two weeks and I was left with this option: Drive now, or, never. I could have chosen to walk for 20 minutes and take a city bus. That would save the planet; maybe. But I thought, this time, why not dare? So I drove. And I'm glad, I reached my destination safely.

This isn't life's test to see if I would be promoted a grade up, or whether I have climbed a step up to heaven. But, I'm glad however, for, every small thing learned is useful.

Finally, yes, I'm driving. Don't tell the police though, that I haven't got a license yet.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Then please don't go


I wish I could hold you back and keep you here
If it is not hunger that is forcing you off
Please don’t go…

I wish I could tell you to stay here and be mine
If it is not your mother you want to be home for,
Please don’t go…

I wish you could look at me right now and know what I’m feeling inside
If it is not your son who is calling you home,
Please don’t go…

I wish, I could ask the time to stop, if you have to go at five
If it isn’t the night you are afraid of,
Please don’t go.


Monday, January 25, 2010

I don’t think I will want to sleep tonight…

I’m sitting alone in the office just now. Office time is long over. All colleagues left. Night is falling fast, but even when I’m haunted by the ghost stories, of spirits walking in and around our office, I find myself excited. My sister, my niece and nephews are gonna be here tonight. Tonight, I will celebrate. Tonight, I will not sleep. Even when sleep begs me, I will talk throughout the night.

My sister is coming to Thimphu for a check up. She has been having pain in both her legs for a long time. When she went to Tashigang hospital, she was given some painkiller tablets. She told me that, when she complained of pain, the hospital staff seemed to think it was a bearable pain. I know her. I know she wouldn’t come here, unless it is a serious pain. But even when I know that she is coming here not to celebrate, I am excited. I’m glad, I will see her. My mother is equally excited. Today she must be home early from Kora.

I’m excited and I want them to reach Thimphu soon. I have called up five times already. The first time I called, they were in Thinleygang; and now, they are about to reach Dochula. I’m counting minutes, breathless. And even when night is falling and spirits are probably sauntering around me and talking to me, I don’t see them, I don’t hear them, but I’m set only on one thing: meeting my sister, my niece and nephews. Tonight, yes, I will celebrate.

But before I do, I leave this note supporting Penstar that there isn’t another JDWNRH in any part of the country. That is why, my sister is making two days journey all the way here. While I’m glad I will see her, I’m sad that despite the many developments, still it is the farmers dwelling in the rural areas who have to travel the farthest, struggle the hardest – no matter, for whatever facility.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Here's Freedom you've chosen

He never comes
His reason I don't know
But I wait, and I wait

Not the first time
Not even second
But I still wait

How long, I wonder
Yes, how long?
And would I still wait?

Oh no, there's no question
I've waited long
I'm scarred bad

I'm only human
I tried
And wait I can, no more

Goodbye honey
Separate ways is what you seek
Here's freedom you've chosen

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ranked D Minus


I wrote my RCSC exam in December, 2005 and joined civil service in January 2006. Unlike other people, I was too quick to join the office. I had no idea that I would need to see ‘zakar’ (a good date) to start working. When I first joined the office, then the Director, Dasho Karma Ura asked when I would be starting the office and I said, I was starting right there and then. I probably should have known that sometimes, reading astrology is as important as taking medicine for severe pain.

It was yesterday that I started looking back. Four years, it has been. I have a year more to get my first promotion. But right now, I’m not concerned about my promotion; neither further studies. But I was bitten by a very bitter fact that I have been working in the only research organization in Bhutan and I have not written any academic paper in all these years. What shame! I know you must call me crazy to be able to admit it, but I tell you, I’m just as sad as I’m ashamed. I feel like a good-for-nothing person. And if I am to assess myself and if D was the last grade, I would grade myself D-.

This fact staring at me, I thought I should start doing something really useful, something I can call academic and I got stuck in the middle of nowhere. Downloading maybe, more than 10 articles from JSTOR, I seem not to know where to go yet. I have the idea in my mind, but it is really hard for the idea to take form. Man, I cannot write when I think I’m writing for someone. Some writers say that we must think of our audience when we write, but to me, it is totally a different experience. When I write, I am just a different person. I can write only when I’m kind of flowing, without thinking, or judging.

And so, I think, what I’m saying is that, I’m once again shamelessly admitting that I cannot yet write what I can call academic. I have always found putting so much of effort false and dishonest. I think all I can do is live at the mercy of my own lack of determination, the fate swinging by my elbow, failure tearing my heart apart.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Happiness it says…

It is early. The cold makes it seem earlier than it actually is. It is almost nine in the morning and the sun is shining brightly. But it is still cold. I lean my head down backwards, close my eyes and let myself sink in the momentous mixture of joy and sorrow – a great mixture that is almost making me want to cry.

I’m going to office. Who says civil servants can go to office any time they want? I can’t be late…I can’t take for granted the salary I’m paid. So here I am, all set for the day, to work as much as I can, with full dedication. Yet, there is this deep sadness sinking in my heart. It is like, I’m rubbing an ice cube over the surface of my heart. But again, who says we can let the sadness take us away? Aren’t we all taught how to find happiness, how to fight sorrow, how to make other people happy, and not to hurt them? It is surprising, how we live, all our life learning to do good and yet, finding it too difficult not to be selfish. (I think I’m getting carried away and diverting from what I actually want to say. Sorry for that.)

Yes, I’m going to office. There is no usual inspiration from the cool morning breeze. Maybe it is too cold. I sigh a deep, big sigh. Then, I close my eyes again. I am carrying the book, “Happiness” by Matthieu Ricard. I find it so ironical that I should feel so sad, so sad that I want to cry. And I find people moving around, all in a hurry to attend to their works for the day. They don’t seem so unhappy. But this oblivious attitude makes me even more sad. Then as I walk downhill to my office, I look at the cremation ground and find four bodies, all ready to turn to ashes. I touch my forehead, mouth and heart with my right hand and say a quiet prayer to those unknown souls. I shiver in deeper sadness. This time, for real. I mean, this time, I know why I have this sadness hanging me down early morning. I think, this morning I thought of death too strong; as if it is taking me any minute.

And now, as I write this, I get a feeling that Psychologists may call me mentally unstable. But I seem to know what I’m thinking, though, despite the many meditation sessions, I still feel blown over by many different thoughts. But aren’t we all human? As much as I think thoughts are what carry us away from the reality, I think, without them, we would be just a still dumb log or a stump. And no matter if I’m gonna come back here on earth, round and round, in circle, every hundred years or so, I think, I’m happy to be human, despite the episodic sadness, which to me is just normal.