Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Social Network is Based on Who You Are


My brother calls me from the village to tell me that a relative of ours is sick and was brought to Thimphu Hospital. He wants my other brother to go and see him because he says, he keeps asking about him. But I know, I have to go and see him too. I personally feel very down when I’m sick. I feel like I’m all alone in the corner of the world without anyone to care. So I know how emotional someone feels when he/she is not well. I decide to go. Yes, I go and see him with my cousin. He seems well, except for a very swollen belly. Doctors have not been able to diagnose the disease. He and his relatives are beginning to think it must be something to do with ‘dhu’ (poison).

We talk to him a few words, tell him to take care and we walk out of the Surgery Ward. We also decide to leave because there are so many other people from our village coming in to see him. The bed is becoming rather too crowded. The new ward’s policy is that there should be only three attendants at a time.

Next, we go to see another patient from our village. He is a young lad who lost both his parents. His parents died young. And I know, his family wasn’t doing quite well. There were a few families in my village who did not have enough to sustain themselves and in my opinion, his family was one. I felt sad that now, he and his siblings had to face the world alone, without parents or elders to guide them.

He is here with problem on his right leg. His leg was swollen and when he was referred to Thimphu Hospital, he was suspected to have cancer. And so he was sent to Kolkata but there, the doctors said there was no cancer. So he came back without doing surgery. He says, there is not much pain now, except a little on the foot. He says he can eat much better too and as he talks, I can see his hope of getting better and going home. He has been sick for more than six months and earlier his right leg was completely numb. Doctors thought it could cause paralysis and might have to amputate it.

He has his eldest brother with him. He stays in Punakha. I didn’t know he stays in Punakha. I remember, he once went to school with me in the village but later, he dropped out. He was seen as a kind of a rustic fellow. I remember, I used to fear him like we fear the gangsters. As I leave, I take his number and I tell them that I will call them. I tell them that I would be able to get them lunch or dinner on a weekend. And I promise to myself that I will go and see him again, soon.

Reaching home, I am haunted by the picture of two young boys in the hospital with no other relatives. I ask my mother if they have no relative at all in Thimphu. She tells me a name of an influential rich person from our village being related to them. Then, why isn’t that man visiting them? I wonder. But then, I tell myself that, the world isn’t always fair. If they do not see the potential of returning their kindness, people most often choose not to be kind. Sad as I feel at this fact, I accept. But I tell myself that I going to see them again.

Monday, August 23, 2010

I’m Not Giving Up Yet


Being an ICT Officer doesn’t help me at all. I have really begun to think that the ICT Officer probably is synonymous to a complaint box. Walk in the office and everyone has something to tell you – of something of their computer or internet not working. And I wish, I could sometime turn deaf. I thought today was the last day I would have to listen to so many complaints but it was not.

What makes things so worse is that, because my organization is small, I’m handicapped by not having anyone in the same field as me. Now, you will think how I cannot manage a small organization of 15 people. These 15 people are the most cyber savvy people I have ever seen. Because their work is to do with research, you bet what videos, audios and texts they download from varieties of websites. I’m glad their viruses don’t infect my laptop so much. I would have died, or resigned if they did.

And now, coming to being handicapped, we requested the MoF for budget to buy a fully equipped, up-to-date make of a server. And we did get it. But the problem is, I have never looked at so many disintegrated accessories of a machine at a time. And I was lost as to where to start. So I thought the best way was to call an expert and we did – finally. Say, after several months. Now, what did not satisfy me is that, the guy working on it made me doubt him a bit on his skill. And when, after three days of work, my internet did not work, I was killed with frustration. I could have really thrown my office-given laptop on the wall and relaxed in peace to see it shattered into pieces.

But of course, you know how the reality is. I can never pay office the amount of money that this laptop costs. And secondly, I cannot behave like that in front of my coworkers. Cursing beneath my breath, I had to make sure I did not give up. And yes, finally, finally, it worked. But I still couldn’t breathe fresh air. I did not relax. Because another thing is my boss gave me an urgent work and an application that requires to do that work did not function. And until it does, I don’t know if I’m going to relax.

Now, thinking of happiness at work, I don’t know if I’m happy. My work is challenging at times. But I’m happy internet has as many solutions as it gives problems. And I’m also happy that I can hope a day will come when I don’t have to take in all the complaints but sit on a chair and ask others for solution.

Whatever, I AM NOT GIVING UP YET.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Reflection of good and bad

It was nice to have so many people wish me on my birthday. I smiled right till I went to bed. I think I did have a good sleep too. Not dreamless though. I always dream of something. It was a mistake to watch a movie called 'Pulse 1.' Didn't make much sense to me but the eerie, haunting images kept coming back to my mind. It even disturbed my meditation.

I no longer see birthday as a day to receive gifts and wishes. I see it as a day where I can remind myself of having grown a year older thereby nearing death that much closer. It is good to have such days to remind us of impermanence, as much as it is good that it reminds us of the good things and people we have in our life.

Now, there is another dilemma. I will have to go to the field for the survey again. This time, it won't be so long, but it is decided that I will be one of the staff going there. I have many valid reasons why I can't go. But I have no energy to put up my reasons to the decision maker. He knows the reason already -- if he chose to command that I go, I know he thinks my reasons aren't valid enough. So instead of fighting, I'm choosing to take the path. I think over the years, as if in resignation, I have found that it is much better to crawl right through the path you are thrown into than try to fight and win a race faster, better and through-er. So, though, yesterday (as in yesterday) was good, things altogether are not really well. When I complain, they say, that is how things are. And that kicks me off. Every small ounce of energy left in my body vaporizes.

I can only be happy that I am a human who can laugh or cry, based on my own attitude. So right now, though I feel like a shit, I think, I have to just say, 'shit happens,' and smile despite this deep shit I'm sunk into. When will things be completely and totally right?

Civil servants. I sometime think we do not really deserve any pay raise. I am one of them but really all I ever see is inefficiency. Everywhere.