Am I Supposed to Be Here?

It is 6:58 a.m. now. I have been tussling in bed for an hour. I woke up to find that I had severe pain on the left lower abdomen. I was worried if something was wrong. My husband is a General Secretary of this Ngangpa Football Club and so he has gone for the Player’s Practice. These days a National A League is going on here in Thimphu. I immediately thought I must call him but I didn’t because I thought maybe I was just over-reacting. After that, I did not fall asleep. I just fiddled my cell phone and read the notes I have written there. I usually note everything there. It is so convenient; I don’t have to carry a notepad now.

As I was reading those notes, I wondered again about why I am still lying here, always thousand questions in my head; always debating; always in the uncertainty of many things; always wanting something for real; always craving for a life beyond this. I know there is more to life than we can see, feel and perceive.

Lying in the bed, curtains still hung down, though dawn broke more than two hours ago, I felt like, I was up early, the world still sleeping. It is especially during such time that I feel like, I can really touch the edge of the world and it would actually move. It is during such time that I feel, I can actually run away or really, really feel so close to my own heart. Or say, so close to what I think I can do.

And during such times, I increasingly think of my secret crested dream of being a kind of a loner. It is always comforting to have someone who loves you, someone you can always count on. Once you are married to someone, it is like, you have the right, kind of a license to call him anytime you want, complain what you want or just beg him to care for you, or just pamper you. I mean, there is the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is actually licensed to care for you, but it is this tie that sows the seed into mangling your nerves more into prolonging your stay in the samsara. And I so dislike this truth. I so dislike this truth that I really, really started believing, if I gave birth, I would all the more prolong my stay in samsara. But speaking today, I don’t seem to know if I still hold that view. But I know, I’m kind of doomed for now. Firstly I didn’t want to get married but I did. Secondly, I no longer am sure if I don’t want to hold a baby in my arms. I cannot picture myself breastfeeding a baby. But I so like the picture of pregnant women walking in town with that peculiar glow on their face that only a pride of being a mother can give.