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Am I Supposed to Be Here?

It is 6:58 a.m. now. I have been tussling in bed for an hour. I woke up to find that I had severe pain on the left lower abdomen. I was worried if something was wrong. My husband is a General Secretary of this Ngangpa Football Club and so he has gone for the Player’s Practice. These days a National A League is going on here in Thimphu. I immediately thought I must call him but I didn’t because I thought maybe I was just over-reacting. After that, I did not fall asleep. I just fiddled my cell phone and read the notes I have written there. I usually note everything there. It is so convenient; I don’t have to carry a notepad now.

As I was reading those notes, I wondered again about why I am still lying here, always thousand questions in my head; always debating; always in the uncertainty of many things; always wanting something for real; always craving for a life beyond this. I know there is more to life than we can see, feel and perceive.

Lying in the bed, curtains still hung down, though dawn broke more than two hours ago, I felt like, I was up early, the world still sleeping. It is especially during such time that I feel like, I can really touch the edge of the world and it would actually move. It is during such time that I feel, I can actually run away or really, really feel so close to my own heart. Or say, so close to what I think I can do.

And during such times, I increasingly think of my secret crested dream of being a kind of a loner. It is always comforting to have someone who loves you, someone you can always count on. Once you are married to someone, it is like, you have the right, kind of a license to call him anytime you want, complain what you want or just beg him to care for you, or just pamper you. I mean, there is the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is actually licensed to care for you, but it is this tie that sows the seed into mangling your nerves more into prolonging your stay in the samsara. And I so dislike this truth. I so dislike this truth that I really, really started believing, if I gave birth, I would all the more prolong my stay in samsara. But speaking today, I don’t seem to know if I still hold that view. But I know, I’m kind of doomed for now. Firstly I didn’t want to get married but I did. Secondly, I no longer am sure if I don’t want to hold a baby in my arms. I cannot picture myself breastfeeding a baby. But I so like the picture of pregnant women walking in town with that peculiar glow on their face that only a pride of being a mother can give.


Kinga Choden said…
Dear Kuenza,

Believe me, when you do have a child, you would give a hoot to where the rest of the world is. LOL
Kuenza said…
But Kaaycee, I get a feeling that what I wanted to be once will keep haunting me. I will love my child for sure but that love won't keep me away forever from the thought that, 'this is not really what I dreamed of.'

I read your article on what happened to your baby. I'm glad that she is fine now. I could feel what big worry you went through and I nearly cried. I mean it is so laden with emotion and love that I could actually feel it.
Kinga Choden said…
But our terms and definitions keep changing. If I had my way, I would be the next Aum Neten by now.;) Once you decide on something and give it a go, you cannot afford anything else to haunt you. I know you will be fine. Take Care :)
Anonymous said…
Kuenza, you did not post my comment - this is faul play BOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO I have been denied my right to free expression BOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!
Anonymous said…
Kuenza, you are cheating - I want my earlier post - earlier to the BOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO! posted here otherwise I will keep BOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOinggggggg forever!

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