Kuenza's Diary

How I hate official dinners...mainly because, I can never take it as natural. I can never bring out my true self in the gathering of officials I cannot take to be showing natural selves too. As the guests part, a host says to me, 'I think you didn't enjoy.' I told her that I did enjoy and I couldn't eat much because just before the dinner, I had noodles in town. That is true. I did. As the people blabber, I quietly smile to myself and wonder what truth there is in so much chatter that people utter just so that they could be marked wise. In truth, I know, they would rather prefer to talk of wine and women, of pleasure and sex, or rather, of accumulated wealth and success. But, I do enjoy listening to all these talks. They simmer inside me only to come out without much effect. Some people mark me talkative -- but they are people who know me, who I have come to trust as good friends, to whom I can open my heart and not worry it will melt only to be hurt. And these ar...

I’ve been running to and fro hospital for the past two days. The day my sister was admitted in the orthopedic ward in JDWNR Hospital, I noticed that very noticeable face of an elderly woman (we call such people ‘wangchan’ – roughly to mean person exuding power, influence, force and control). Then I found that I know her attendant. She, I found later is her daughter. We studied together in Monggar but she didn’t seem to remember me well.  For the past two days and nights my sister and I have been at the hospital, we became quite a good friend with her and many others. She can talk so deliciously that you can’t help but listen. She seems like a ‘Dasho Ama,’ if you know what I mean. Later I was to find that her husband was a DEO. He retired and now they live in their village in Tashiyangtse. My sister whispered to me last night that she could finally remember that she had met this ‘wangchan woman’ in Tashigang hospital many years back. I was in...

I must admit that before the day could break, my sister and this woman had so much to share. I think my sleep was disturbed. In my half conscious mind, I could hear each word they uttered. They shared their family history to the cause and effect to a few small gossips. I found that this woman has three siblings including herself. She has six children. Then it suddenly clicked. I heard from here and there, from small talks that her family comes from a very rich, kind of aristocratic family line. And what is there to say? I was surprised beyond shock when I knew that she was somehow related to me. Meaning, I found that her sister is the present wife of my husband’s father. So? I know, I would ask that same question. But somehow, I felt this phenomenon of interdependence rose there in front of me to show me something. I know this concept so well intellectually, but have I lived with it well? I thought I have tried well. But in stark truth, it lay there. I thought, my husband’s father’s ...

I have often wondered on life and why people choose to live the way they do when they know they cannot take anything in death. Haven't it occured to you, how hard it is to strive for what would only give you worry?   I ain't a philosopher but I have often been running with a question on why there ain't many who make wise choices in life. Why?   If you knew you were to die tomorrow, would you study for your exam? Would you go save money in your account?   I would choose to sit in solitude and look for an answer within.

I was at the Casualty at 1:30AM today (28/01/08) – (say midnight). A doctor and a nurse who were on duty seemed sleepy and red-eyed. A 74 year old man sat in a far corner of the room, groaning and coughing without a break of a second. I looked at this man and saw my father’s face. I thought maybe, climbing age and answering life with steps like that isn’t the way. I thought I wouldn’t want to die suffering. But then, another thought said I should suffer to realize the better thing – for it is often (almost always) when we face difficulties that we realize the truth and look for it vigorously.   I looked at him again. The nurse went to his bed and asked the patient attendant to take him for chest X-ray and blood check up. I waited. I mouthed prayer with all my heart now. I prayed death wasn’t taking him before he knew he was dying. When you realize you are dying, you also realize importance of goodness – and that is when good emotions and repentance fills your heart. I hoped he wasn...

One moment I am happy. I am laughing hard. I am laughing until there are tears in my eyes and my back aches. And next moment, I just get so grim. I look at life and I just try to figure out a way to understand it better. I am walking and I pass by different people. Some hold me thinking what has made their life so successful, whereas some make me wonder how life can be so unfair. The mixture of joy and sorrows, the truth of life as it is surprises me constantly. And I am just a spectator. I think that I am happy. What have I not? I feel I am a human gifted with the pure chance of getting out of something called suffering, and I find myself wondering if I have got the way. I’m a sailor in the stormy night. I hear the anger in the waves. I see the beckoning of the light on the other side of the shore. I’m yet to decide.

A little sick of rules. A little impatient of the time. But seeking beauty in the imperfections. I'm still that...working so hard. And I don't know why things are happening the way they are.