Kuenza's Diary

I herd sheep in a beautiful meadow They graze in full freedom Till their belly is full I watch them walk looking for better pasture Even when they need no more I do not say a word I watch them and just let them be I squeeze my eyes And look at the other side of the river Now, ain’t the other side of the river more beautiful? Ah! I sigh taking in the nature’s beauty Sakteng it is called Maybe one of earth’s heaven it is My sheep have all gone for better pasture But I don’t want to make another choice Right here is my heaven River flows with a peaceful calm People work in natural harmony And I, this stranger in this place Gulp in this moment’s peace as I say There is never a greener pasture.

This was a blogging topic in Redroom. The instant I saw it in my mailbox, I thought, I would like to write something about it, but it lay in my mailbox just like that. I didn’t log in Redroom, neither did I write anything about this topic. I think more than three months passed just like that. But today, as if I have no other work, I thought I will write about it, here, now, because I seem to think a lot about getting old, of growing old, of the stages of life.    First, traveling in the east with the young graduates made me think I have grown so old. I found that their thought process and mine differed. I found that their interest and mine differed too. If they wanted to roam around every small town in the place we visited, I remained hooked in the corner of the gup’s office the whole day. But I watched hell lot of movies. This is the recent instance that made me think I’m already so old. But there were many things which made me wonder...

I’m now putting this question to myself. But why can’t an ordinary person write an autobiography? I want to know. My friend who already published a book and is about to publish another one says, an ordinary person doesn’t write an autobiography. His reasons are that, no one will read it. He said ‘You have to be famous to write an autobiography.’ I don’t agree. You will see why.  I feel like crying now as I listen to his next sentence: ‘People like us have no voice.’ Why not? I have always wanted justice, equity, fairness. And now, maybe I want to cry because I find that this is what the reality is. But still, I know I can fight. I will write an autobiography if I want to. The whole conversation started from his information that his next book is almost ready to be published. He said he could help me if I wanted to print something. I could find a printer of course. Why not, if I had the money? I was saying I won’t want to publish something if it was purposeless; if its purpose was j...

I see a bad dream Lose sleep Worry about you And know why I need you I travel for work Go away from home Think of you And know you are precious Every little thought Is about you Every little prayer is for you You my mother, If only to have you with me forever I wish the world were permanent [Note: Had a very bad dream last night and I couldn’t sleep. I worried about my mother; just then I heard her go to toilet. It was 4:30 a.m. That made me know that she was living; but it didn’t take away my worry.]

I'm not trying to show my frustration here but you will see what I'm talking about when you come of age to handle your life and so many other responsibilities in life yourself. Right now, probably you don't understand what it is to have problems or what it means to find solution. I'm very postive that by being on your own away from home, you are seeing life in a differnt light and growing up faster than you otherwise would have. Please understand that, when you have parents who are willing to spend for you to earn education for you, you shouldn't just throw away that opportunity in the whim of seeking fun. You might not realize now how important it is to even secure a good percentage in your academic performance. But I tell you, I came through the same stage you are now in. Now I understand the importance of taking responsibility seriously. You don't have to throw every second you have on the books. But it would pay you if you could find good time to spend...

You plan something; something comes up in the middle It makes you question If what you chose was wrong And suddenly your plan seems small; unimportant Then comes apprehension Anxiously you want to know for sure Which one is truer; a priority You wait unknown Then comes a day Your plan is not what you need You must follow the path It is set for you Some take longer Some see it instantly But a path is set For just everyone And that is why, you must compromise When you think your plan isn’t working

It is 6:58 a.m. now. I have been tussling in bed for an hour. I woke up to find that I had severe pain on the left lower abdomen. I was worried if something was wrong. My husband is a General Secretary of this Ngangpa Football Club and so he has gone for the Player’s Practice. These days a National A League is going on here in Thimphu. I immediately thought I must call him but I didn’t because I thought maybe I was just over-reacting. After that, I did not fall asleep. I just fiddled my cell phone and read the notes I have written there. I usually note everything there. It is so convenient; I don’t have to carry a notepad now. As I was reading those notes, I wondered again about why I am still lying here, always thousand questions in my head; always debating; always in the uncertainty of many things; always wanting something for real; always craving for a life beyond this. I know there is more to life than we can see, feel and perceive. Lying in the bed, curtains still hung do...