The good must win

I always thought when I loved, I loved wholeheartedly and never really envied others, or got insecure over small things. But this time, I find myself going through emotions I don’t remember going through before. Maybe what I am feeling at the moment is not love. I am not sure. But the butterflies, the anxiousness, the excitement, the feelings of need, all swell up in my heart the same way.

Like I said, there are times when you crave for what is not yours and what you know you cannot have, simply because you have other higher commitments that you have already made in your life and it would be morally wrong to go get it. And I think it is only natural that people feel this way – and I guess it is what is called chemistry. But the difference lies in being able to control your desire and knowing where your boundary is. And I would like to believe that I am the latter. I am a human and there may be times when there are temptations, when there are desires, but I also know that I must keep myself in check because fulfillment of desires are always burdened by afterthought of ‘ifs’. So I don’t want to regret that I did what I should not.

So out of the blue, I meet this man who makes me falter. It all begins in a joke. The jokes continue until I start to feel it for real. And I tell you, it all started with the least of intention of love, or flirtations. Even when I sat face to face with him in the first week, I couldn’t have batted my eyes to even stare at him. I mean, I could have just looked at him like any other man I meet in my life and never thought of him as someone special.

In all my life, I don’t remember feeling insecure in love; I don’t remember fearing not being loved in return. But I feel this now. I am not sure whether I am dreaming or thinking – his thoughts occupy my mind and there is no space to think of anything else.

He touches me – inadvertently, and yet, I find myself guarding against the fear that my body might respond otherwise. He asks for my hand as we sing in a group – and I am not sure if it is a joke, but still I can’t take my hand out with the fear of shiver that the touch might send down my spine, and the desire that might swell in me. And yet, in some ways, I want this feeling to continue, no matter how insecure it makes me feel. I guess, like he says, it make me feel alive. But of course like all else in life, even this must end.

And as I write this story, I even feel like I am saying goodbye, even though I just said that I want this feeling to continue. Because there are different thoughts rushing in my mind, one sounding more righteous than the other, each fighting its own right. And in the end, I think, no matter how tempting, and how wonderful it makes us feel, we have the choice in our own hands. And I think despite the swell in my heart, and despite the fire that I imagine his mere touch could set me on, it is time I knew my place.

Would you believe, if I said I am crying as I write this? No matter how fleetingly a love starts, its profundity has the power to set you on the deepest joy, and also the deepest sorrow. And because he is not mine, I must put a check on myself and end it here for good.

And I guess I am saying goodbye to this feeling just as soon as it has begun. All for the good of everyone.