A certain chilip friend didn’t know that I was pregnant. I had no idea that he didn’t know. For some comment he made, I said, ‘except that I’m pregnant.’ This threw him into disbelief that he wanted to touch my tummy, time and again, till it got intolerable. My only consolation was that he was drunk. He asked me if I wake up in the middle of the night craving for chocolates. I said I didn’t have such cravings and I honestly don’t.
This chilip friend is single. He is in his mid fifties now. I asked him once why he never married and he said he once had a steady Australian girlfriend. They were so much in love but somehow the relationship didn’t work out and since then, he could not get into any serious relationship. And now, he has remained single. But that night, talking to him during dinner, I came to understand that he had not chosen to remain single because he was happier being unmarried. I could see how much he wanted to have a family. He so much wants to have a wife and bear him a child. For that had not happened to him, I felt very sad for him.
Now coming to the point, my only craving is for more love and more attention from my husband. There is no waking up in the middle of the night desperately wanting to eat chocolate or tamarind. I just want to lie down next to my husband and know that I am not alone; that we are together preparing to walk on the path of parenthood. And there is nothing more that I want, when he is next to me. I never knew a person’s mere presence and warmth can fill up your heart to the brim and you would feel content even if you had nothing.
I was away from him for only two days. Only two days. Actually, he dropped me to Paro and stayed with me the first night, so I was alone for only one night. And that one night was a torture. I remember lying down in my bed and typing him the message such as, “Honey, talking to you isn’t making me feel better. It’s only making me miss you more. I don’t understand how it came to be so hard to be away from you. I miss you honey. I feel so alone. I wish you were here wrapping your arms around me. I feel so tired from the long day meeting and I’m lying down and closing my eyes – I’m trying to rest. But then, I see you and I want you here. It makes me want to cry. Honey, as you left this morning, I stood at the parking, till your car disappeared out of my sight and I couldn’t control my tears. I cried honey. I couldn’t believe I still feel so in love and it is so difficult to part from you. It is time I learned that it is natural for us to have to part sometime. But honey, it is as if my life is nothing without you; it is as if I don’t know how to live without you.”
And this strong pang of loneliness and missing – I’m attributing to being the symptom of craving that a woman feels during pregnancy. I don’t deny that I do feel the same even otherwise. But I feel, this time, it is stronger.
There was no other complication or sickness. Luzee tells me, ‘chhegi pregnancy di problem ga ni ya me ba zo si mo?’ Other than occasional diarrhea, there wasn’t any sickness. And when she said that, I really thought, I am very lucky to have had no morning sickness or whatever. Some say, because I have had no morning sickness, my baby must be a son. I don’t know. But I’m glad I had no other cravings, no other sickness, except the need for my husband to be next to me.
Last evening, taking the long one hour walk, coherently sharing views on the different topics – as we usually do – I felt the warm and happy feeling of being home. It was like an innocent cub snuggling close to its mother.