Kuenza's Diary

Tourists say that Bhutanese are relaxed people. And I think it is true. Our people walk in a slow, relaxed pace while people in developed countries rush to work everyday. I am a person who has to get strict eight hours of sleep. When I don’t get enough sleep, I get headache and I cannot think well. I still remember this incident from my first year: The next day was my mathematics exam and I had not studied much. In the last minute, I was desperate to get a pass mark. I could already feel the shame that would come on me if I failed. So I sacrificed my sleep and studied late that night. But the next day, I went to the examination hall with swollen eyes and hazy head. Hundreds of formulae danced in my head and I couldn’t sort them out. I managed to get exactly the pass mark but I had the most terrible time in my entire lifetime as a student; I was anxious and edgy. Managing time is the most important aspect of life management. No matter whether we ...

Life in general is tit for tat. You will see that in every aspect of life. If someone came to see you when you were sick, you have to return that gesture in the same way. However if someone has done you something bad or wrong, you don’t return that with revenge. That is what I have seen in many Bhutanese. Even if, in your heart, you feel so hateful that someone wronged you, you forgive him, because you believe that, exacting a wrong by a wrong will only bear bad karma for you. My uncle died from surgical complications. He was fine before the surgery. I or any of my relatives could have sought explanations from the doctors for this, but simply because the dead cannot be brought back to life and it will only destroy the sentiments of the living, we didn’t do that. I was taken aback to see my brother’s helper kill a tiny cockroach walking up the wall in their living room. Before I could ask her not to, her hands were quicker. But I felt pain in my...

A certain chilip friend didn’t know that I was pregnant. I had no idea that he didn’t know. For some comment he made, I said, ‘except that I’m pregnant.’ This threw him into disbelief that he wanted to touch my tummy, time and again, till it got intolerable. My only consolation was that he was drunk. He asked me if I wake up in the middle of the night craving for chocolates. I said I didn’t have such cravings and I honestly don’t. This chilip friend is single. He is in his mid fifties now. I asked him once why he never married and he said he once had a steady Australian girlfriend. They were so much in love but somehow the relationship didn’t work out and since then, he could not get into any serious relationship. And now, he has remained single. But that night, talking to him during dinner, I came to understand that he had not chosen to remain single because he was happier being unmarried. I could see how much he wanted to have a family. He so ...

As I circumambulate the chorten, I see everyone in deep prayer and devotion. And as you watch people milling around in perfect harmony, you feel peace dawning on you like clear cloudless morning. On each one’s face there is no hidden worry and anxiety; everyone is calm and peaceful, reciting prayer as they walk around the chorten.  I started praying from as long as I remember. I prayed mainly to protect myself from ghosts and evil spirits. Brought up under strict Buddhist rules, I understood life only by the two defining rules of sin and virtue and I felt myself protected whenever I prayed. As I walked home from school on weekend through the thick jungles, I would pray loudly to ward off anything that would harm me.  Even though, I have lived my life reciting prayer every morning, evening and every now and then, I must admit that I don’t know its meaning any better now than when I was 10 years old. But I pray simply because I am more at...

Even when I’m as far as only 70 KM, I miss my mother so much.   I dream of my mother every night and I wake up in the middle of the night with pain in my heart. And so, as soon as I see the mountains above Paro valley, getting closer to home, I feel my heart free from worry. I have this feeling of finally being where I belong, of something like, “Oh, I’m finally home.”  I’m sure it is like that even to those who have come to think that home isn’t a happy place to be. What you grew up with gets culturally rooted deep within you—whether you realize it or not. And you will find joy in embracing and accepting them as part of you.   When you have a sense of belonging to the community you grew up in, you have a feeling of security and trust that keeps you in peace.   Back in my village, as long as I remember, we never had the habit of locking our door. We would just latch our door and go away to work in the fields. We never ha...