Ranked D Minus

I wrote my RCSC exam in December, 2005 and joined civil service in January 2006. Unlike other people, I was too quick to join the office. I had no idea that I would need to see ‘zakar’ (a good date) to start working. When I first joined the office, then the Director, Dasho Karma Ura asked when I would be starting the office and I said, I was starting right there and then. I probably should have known that sometimes, reading astrology is as important as taking medicine for severe pain.

It was yesterday that I started looking back. Four years, it has been. I have a year more to get my first promotion. But right now, I’m not concerned about my promotion; neither further studies. But I was bitten by a very bitter fact that I have been working in the only research organization in Bhutan and I have not written any academic paper in all these years. What shame! I know you must call me crazy to be able to admit it, but I tell you, I’m just as sad as I’m ashamed. I feel like a good-for-nothing person. And if I am to assess myself and if D was the last grade, I would grade myself D-.

This fact staring at me, I thought I should start doing something really useful, something I can call academic and I got stuck in the middle of nowhere. Downloading maybe, more than 10 articles from JSTOR, I seem not to know where to go yet. I have the idea in my mind, but it is really hard for the idea to take form. Man, I cannot write when I think I’m writing for someone. Some writers say that we must think of our audience when we write, but to me, it is totally a different experience. When I write, I am just a different person. I can write only when I’m kind of flowing, without thinking, or judging.

And so, I think, what I’m saying is that, I’m once again shamelessly admitting that I cannot yet write what I can call academic. I have always found putting so much of effort false and dishonest. I think all I can do is live at the mercy of my own lack of determination, the fate swinging by my elbow, failure tearing my heart apart.