Kuenza's Diary

My brother called me… (13th May, 2007) After the usual how are you doings, I told him that we went to Begana today but Ama didn’t go because she wanted to stay home and study. I told him that I often lose patience while teaching her and our methods don’t agree. But he told me that there isn’t any hurry and that she could learn the way she wants. And that kicked me somewhere – then, I realized hard that I have made a mistake by thinking that I could do her good by finding some ways of learning that I think is good. How could I have been blind? I have read in many writings that we shouldn’t mistake that what we think is good for someone is good for them because, we should consider their feelings and not our feeling of what we think is good for them. Then I made up my mind to teach her as she wants me to. I can’t take her as I would any other student, not because she is my mother, because now she has seen more world than me and she doesn’t have to feel I know better. I don’t of course. I...

If you wanna be who you wanna be, begin the walk to where you wanna be. Live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not yet come. “Today is a gift, that is why it is called a ‘present’” ************************************************************************************ Wake up happy…chase a cloud…laugh out loud…whistle a tune. Whisper a promise. Savor a memory. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Live and you shall love living. Love and you shall live to love. Life will be all that is worth! Live while you can live. Love while love lasts… ************************************************************************************ I’m sitting in the class my brows knit together, lips shut tight and my eyes barely open. My head is bursting with pain. I’m getting backache too. And teacher is standing in front of us, abusing us as the bunch of idiots. And he thinks we won’t succeed. I sit here and think he doesn’t know what he is speaking. Who has seen the pote...

1st January 2007 Dear L, Here is another year and it reminds us of the year we have lived so much in fun and yet, it reminds us that we have grown a year older. I still remember the dreams we built and wishes we held deep in our heart – we thought we could really be who we want to be and we so ardently wanted to achieve something not many in history did. And here we are today, standing just where everybody stood for ages and we find that we haven’t done anything extraordinary. But, L, I know that we can still hope because, our life isn’t yet exhausted. I’m sure we can bring changes if we really try hard. We have always talked of the beautiful times we had together and today again, I can’t help but refer to that – it was the most beautiful moments of our lives. I know we both would choose to have it once again, if we were given a choice. But, we have to go forward and look for what life can give. L, I may not be here to call you and talk to you about how grateful I’m for having a friend...

“Commit not a single unwholesome action, Cultivate wealth of virtue, Tame this mind of ours, This is the teaching of Buddha.” “Contentment is natural wealth, Luxury is artificial poverty.” “Man, in longing to be happy, In his ignorance, Destroys his happiness as if it were his worst enemy.” “Don’t sacrifice your long-term happiness for short-term pleasure.” “All of man’s difficulties arise from his inability to sit quietly in a room.”

Ø Frightening silence settled. Ø Choose the difficult right over the easy wrong. Ø My morale took the lift again Ø Black as pitch Ø I got clean away Ø Distantly and only fleetingly attainable. Ø Fairly delicate mockery Ø You didn’t love him=no, but it still gave pleasure.

When you have no freedom to act the way you want, there is always the desire to go on with what you want to do and the fear that blocks it. You are with a friend and you have the fear that your elder won’t like it. You just hang around with friends and there comes the fear again…when you have no act of freedom, it is like being in some kind of hell. The desire soars and the fear kills. Then your life becomes a marsh of sinking sorrow. You feel like you can never be happy. Of course you won’t be unless you can be the person you want to be. Is Marriage a Solution? When life is closing up on me, I feel a shudder of sadness enveloping me in almost a misery. Marriage doesn’t seem a haven to me. I wish I could enjoy my individuality as far as I want. ************************************************************** The summer heat was scorching the very bone in my body. I was dying of thirst and my leg couldn’t carry me any faster. Besides, with my small son on my back, I was drained of all st...

Would you believe that I still miss my parents like hell? I bet you won’t. But the thing is I do. I still miss them like this is the first time I am away from them. Huh…as big a girl as I am now, I oughta be living, knowing the things exactly the way they should be…but inside, I still feel the kid I was. We all have this kid nature and that gives us the fine nudge to things we do. We can’t always think elderly. We, one time or the other give up and feel the softness of this nature in us. That is when we feel so fragile and delicate, craving for being needed. I called home today and when I heard my mother’s voice, tears streamed down my cheeks. I was alone…that was better. At the other end of the phone, I heard my mother tell other people there that I was crying. But who cared? I called her, Ama…and I felt like the baby I was to her. She still cares me like a baby of course. And, in the blurry of tears, I laughed too with the joy of my mother’s voice sinking inside my heart. If there we...