Kuenza's Diary

I wrote before that I am not interested to learn driving. It just wasn't in me. But now, more out of necessity, I tried to learn it bit by bit. I didn't have straight days lessons. I drove once when I went home from office, forgot for a week and so on. I thought, I will never drive. I also thought, it would be easier if there was a way for me to steal the interest to drive from zealous drivers. But finally, Karma had to leave for two weeks and I was left with this option: Drive now, or, never. I could have chosen to walk for 20 minutes and take a city bus. That would save the planet; maybe. But I thought, this time, why not dare? So I drove. And I'm glad, I reached my destination safely. This isn't life's test to see if I would be promoted a grade up, or whether I have climbed a step up to heaven. But, I'm glad however, for, every small thing learned is useful. Finally, yes, I'm driving. Don't tell the police though, that I haven't got a lice...

I wish I could hold you back and keep you here If it is not hunger that is forcing you off Please don’t go… I wish I could tell you to stay here and be mine If it is not your mother you want to be home for, Please don’t go… I wish you could look at me right now and know what I’m feeling inside If it is not your son who is calling you home, Please don’t go… I wish, I could ask the time to stop, if you have to go at five If it isn’t the night you are afraid of, Please don’t go.

I’m sitting alone in the office just now. Office time is long over. All colleagues left. Night is falling fast, but even when I’m haunted by the ghost stories, of spirits walking in and around our office, I find myself excited. My sister, my niece and nephews are gonna be here tonight. Tonight, I will celebrate. Tonight, I will not sleep. Even when sleep begs me, I will talk throughout the night. My sister is coming to Thimphu for a check up. She has been having pain in both her legs for a long time. When she went to Tashigang hospital, she was given some painkiller tablets. She told me that, when she complained of pain, the hospital staff seemed to think it was a bearable pain. I know her. I know she wouldn’t come here, unless it is a serious pain. But even when I know that she is coming here not to celebrate, I am excited. I’m glad, I will see her. My mother is equally excited. Today she must be home early from Kora. I’m excited and I want them to reach Thimphu soon. I have called ...

He never comes His reason I don't know But I wait, and I wait Not the first time Not even second But I still wait How long, I wonder Yes, how long? And would I still wait? Oh no, there's no question I've waited long I'm scarred bad I'm only human I tried And wait I can, no more Goodbye honey Separate ways is what you seek Here's freedom you've chosen

I wrote my RCSC exam in December, 2005 and joined civil service in January 2006. Unlike other people, I was too quick to join the office. I had no idea that I would need to see ‘zakar’ (a good date) to start working. When I first joined the office, then the Director, Dasho Karma Ura asked when I would be starting the office and I said, I was starting right there and then. I probably should have known that sometimes, reading astrology is as important as taking medicine for severe pain. It was yesterday that I started looking back. Four years, it has been. I have a year more to get my first promotion. But right now, I’m not concerned about my promotion; neither further studies. But I was bitten by a very bitter fact that I have been working in the only research organization in Bhutan and I have not written any academic paper in all these years. What shame! I know you must call me crazy to be able to admit it, but I tell you, I’m just as sad as I’m...

It is early. The cold makes it seem earlier than it actually is. It is almost nine in the morning and the sun is shining brightly. But it is still cold. I lean my head down backwards, close my eyes and let myself sink in the momentous mixture of joy and sorrow – a great mixture that is almost making me want to cry. I’m going to office. Who says civil servants can go to office any time they want? I can’t be late…I can’t take for granted the salary I’m paid. So here I am, all set for the day, to work as much as I can, with full dedication. Yet, there is this deep sadness sinking in my heart. It is like, I’m rubbing an ice cube over the surface of my heart. But again, who says we can let the sadness take us away? Aren’t we all taught how to find happiness, how to fight sorrow, how to make other people happy, and not to hurt them? It is surprising, how we live, all our life learning to do good and yet, finding it too difficult not to be selfish. (I think I’m getting carried away and dive...