I’m heartbroken but I don’t want to appear so. I muffle all my emotions and I put a confident me as I walk up to my ex boyfriend. I say, ‘Oh here you are.’ And I pass a quick abrupt ‘hi’ to his girlfriend. Now, this is tough. Tougher than I imagined.
We walk in a shopping mall as if we have more business to deal with than we know. I walk ahead. When he insists that he takes my picture, I refuse. There is no reason why he must have my picture. He should possess nothing of me. I turn away every time he focuses his camera on me. He says, ‘You look sexy.’ But why should that even matter? No, he cannot play with me.
I wonder why I had to meet him this time. Oh yes, I know his brother. His brother put in my hands some works he wanted delivered to him. And it then became my business to see him. I could have said no. But unlike many relationships, our relationship somehow prolonged, the more severe pain in our hearts got. We both knew we had long said goodbye. And yet, we have been in touch all this time. We first decided to say goodbye to each other 5 years back. And yet, our correspondence never ended. The long letter I wrote with explanation as to why I cannot go on seeing him put a blatant end to our relationship. Heartache that ensued was unimaginable. I didn’t think it would put him in so much pain. I could have seen it coming but I always thought man can fight heartbreak without turning to alcohol, women and drugs. I was wrong.
For reasons even he and I don’t understand, we are closer than we can explain. We hurt each other hundred times and we go back exactly where we were. It is like we are rubbers. We stretch as far as we can. We shout at each other. I curse him. And then, we cuddle each other with sweet words and affection. We cannot go back and call each other sweetheart and say we will get married never to part. We have believed that to love each other does not require possessing each other in the sense of getting married. This has put an understanding in us that we are free to see who we want. And yet, it is hard to see him with another girl.
Before I see him, he writes to me, ‘I’m seeing someone. But you are still the angel of my life.’ I don’t know what I’m to make out of it. I want to shout at him for forsaking my presence. I for some reason think that I deserve to have all his attention and time. To be rational, I know for the unwritten pact that we signed long before, he has every right to walk up to my door holding hand of another woman. And yet, I cry.
That day after I see him at the shopping mall, I drive back to my room. I am tired. As I reach my room, I let out the pent up emotions in tears. And the next day, I’m more natural. I know whatever past we had, no matter how madly or truly we loved each other, I have no role to play in his present life. And more than anything else, this girl he is seeing has no fault. She must not suffer or get any pain just because our relationship is complicated. It is more imaginary than real. So I walk out the door. I walk out the door. I cry and in the midst of tears, I smile. I know, though he would be married to another woman, I would not lose him.