Kuenza's Diary

Were we tired? I don't know. It was like we had a second force coming from somewhere that pushed us ahead. It was great fun. It was like we never lived closer to nature. It was a three day trek in the mountains. The Thimphu valley lay so beautifully when we climbed higher up the mountain. With each rest we took, we looked down and admired this beautiful civilization. We climbed up and reached a beautiful hill top. It is above Phajoding the famous monastery. As the cold breeze seeped through our bones, we felt a chilling sensation of the reality. And finally when we reached the camping area and settled for the night, we drank. Not to get drunk but in merriment. And the laughter generated in the tent reverberated around the jungle and the mountain.

You will see the moon shine just when you think the darkness has set in.

He said, “Accepting the fake present and denying the true future is not about having a strong moral.” Yanki was dumbstruck. She never took her life on her palm and looked at closely like she did that day. She did not want to change the path but maybe the fate was trying to cheat her. Every strong principle crested in her heart was crumbling down. It was futile to think she could build it again. They shouted at each other. They found faults and pointed fingers—and yet, they talked on the phone every day. Every day they met online. They circled around the same topic everyday and they never seemed to make progress. They were looking into a mirror that was blurred by their own breath to lay path for the future but there was no way they would know what it was going to be like. She shared what she did not share with many friends. Yanki met him online many years back. But that was a different story. They were both seen under a façade that was designed and named by other people. T...

It is 7:54pm now and I just couldn’t help not go to my table to type it down. We are preparing dinner. Music is high up in the air. Maybe neighbors hear it too—and they curse us for the disturbance. But we are gearing into finding a fortune beyond the heart—in the work. “Honey…” comes the voice. My curry is getting over-cooked. I go in and make sure that it is cooked well. I turn off the gas and come back to my table. But before I turn, I give him a kiss. And before I can turn back, the phone rings. It is my brother from Japan . They are all fine there. They want to know how Amku is doing. I tell him that she is much better now; that her pus has almost stopped. If the same sickness afflicted someone else, I’m sure he/she would have taken it harder. I would have—if it was me. But my mother is so patient. So strong. She can go on—with a hope that never dies. Maybe hope is bad from Buddhist point of view—but to live, it is very important. And I’m glad my mother sees life with so much st...

I had a mild headache from the sun. I went to town with azem and Dodo. I tried to get rest by sleeping but I just couldn’t sleep. I had finally fallen asleep for a while but I was awake before the headache was gone. So I took a paracetemol tablet and went back to bed. Karma was not home yet. It was 7pm. He went to watch football match. I told them to have dinner—that I had to go to bed and I didn’t want to eat. I was in bed, splashed in tears. I was unhappy. I needed him home with me. But when I called him, he said that he was coming after having dinner at Gonpo’s house. I knew how long that meant. I didn’t want my mother to see me crying but she came inside and she just wouldn’t let me go. She coaxed me into taking suja. So after blowing my nose several times, I got up and took suja and zaw. She sat beside and we talked. She poured her heart. I know how she feels, though she tries to be very strong. So, we sat there…talking and remembering past. We didn’t speak it but we knew wh...

Sunday, 27 th July, 08 I was splashed in tears. Splashed in tears. I was blinded by the earthly need that blinds wisdom. I was unhappy and I wanted to be free. But free of what? I was wishing people responded as I expected. I was craving for him to feel the need as I did. But he saw meaning and joys in different ways. It didn’t matter if we were not together. I wished my love perished and grew in its place a purity that spread joy but didn’t stick on the object. I wished I was a person who took like at my par. Life is becoming difficult as I try to measure its worth with a borrowed unit of other’s ratings. I can’t pretend anymore. I must acknowledge that suffering is life itself; that there is no absolute joy on earth—just that in hoping that there is that joy, we get strength to bear life’s imperfections and we feel we are enjoying. It is all fake and virtual.

Behind the screen we can be our most natural self. I think the computer screen gives us so much comfort that we don’t have to fear of nervousness sinking in our heart and limbs. We don’t have a single shiver of confusion. The words flow so smoothly and in line. I think we are most honest and ourselves online than anywhere else. But we can so easily lie too in this world that people think is virtual. The world that is virtual but inhabited by the same people who inhabit earth in real. I don’t know how they can be different. I don’t know if I can say on the face of a man that I want to kiss him—if I want to. But I think, on the net I can. And this simplicity reduces our hearts to the meek order of giving truth. Words—that is more powerful than feelings—I think it gives our hearts a twist that allows our hearts to carry home a piece of legacy from the day. It gives us so much comfort. It stimulates our minds. And it stimulates our imagination. They are all power of words. But they i...