Choices we make (are they for our children?)

When I wrote my post 'Your time comes when you are ready', I remember being overwhelmed with thoughts and feeling as if I couldn't type fast enough or couldn't get them out fast enough. I just felt like there was so much to say. But today, I don't really remember what thoughts I had. But as a person who likes keeping word, even if it is to no one in particular, I had the nagging feeling that I had not kept my word by giving a series to it. So I am back on my blog today to do that. And even though what I am going to write today probably isn't what I was thinking then, it is part of the decision we made to move to Australia. 

I am a person who overthinks. I go through the conversations I had, things people said, their expressions, their body language, their tone, and how I felt. It is also because of this nature of mine that I do not speak up before I think I know the person enough. This is just to say that I have been thinking about the decision we made of moving -- essentially, it was for my husband's study but there was always that underlying thought that maybe we are going to be behind if we continue to be in Bhutan. I do not really know what other things constituted 'behind' but money was one (I do not even mean it in the huge figures of affording luxury. It is about the necessity, such as being able to afford a house). My husband and I were both in P1 (Chief position) position, which is above mid managerial level in the civil service which made your relatives think that you earn a lot. But we lived in a two bedroom house with extended family members. I am glad we were kind of a haven for my nieces and nephews. Our daughter studied in Early Learning Centre till class three. Later, when we found that it was little different in the Government school and it wasn't what she was used to, I checked the fees for ELC High and found that I wasn't making that amount even in one year. There it strips me of the illusion. 

As parents, you want your children to be in a place better than you are in. You want them to have a better future. And so, we end up making decisions that we think are going to benefit them. I am sure many who leave for Australia do that. They want to be able to give their children a better education. They want them to be able to live in their own house. But it isn't without cost. Often we tell ourselves that children cope better than adults. At least that is what I believed until recently. But maybe they do not. It is what we tell ourselves so that we can cope with the decision we make. 

I moved in June 2023 after my children sat for the mid term exam in Bhutan. It took a while for them to get admission in the schools here and when they did, it was in mid year. It means, you are going to a totally new school with new system, new culture surrounded by people who do not look like you. And this had a toll on them. They missed Bhutan. I can tell you this. No matter what inclusivity programmes or policies there are, when you know you are culturally different, you just don't feel like you can open up or make friends, or feel like you belong. Because you don't. But we all learn. We adapt. When they found it difficult to go to school, I questioned my decision and I really thought that we as parents aren't really making the decisions to better their future. I know we want the best for them. But maybe our judgement in what is best for them isn't always right. 

When I saw  parents posting on social media about their children's achievements here, I felt like we were the only ones going through problems. But I also knew that as humans, as much as there are differences, there are similarities and so while they must be going through such problems, they do not really want to share them. But again, while I am an introvert, I was always open about sharing my problems. And when I read Brene Brown's book and listened to her talks, I could really understand what she was saying. It is through vulnerabilities that we connect and by being vulnerable we are being courageous. It reassured me that I am okay. 

It is really true -- we grow with our children. I am. The social pressure that I felt of how my children should behave has gone down. I am looking for the day when it will not bother me at all. And by accepting them as they are, we are all making progress. I always left motherhood to intuition but when my daughter found school really difficult, I started reading parenting books. I was also reading a lot of books on introverts and I think they helped me the most. They helped me free myself from pestering her to make friends, to talk to them, or go out. I found peace in accepting that home is where she is comfortable to be and if she doesn't want to go out, there is no reason why she should. This was freeing, really. And if you are going through a similar situation, I hope reading this makes you feel that you are not alone. Give yourself the permission to be the parent that you most authentically are. Don't let yourself get carried away by the fear of how or where you will be in your social groups because of your children. 

I haven't reached there yet. But I am learning. I am growing. I want to be able to accept the choices that they make -- but I want them to be guided by our wisdom. Most importantly, as parents, we must make sure that our children feel loved and do not feel judged. I want to be able to really see the world from their lens and until then, I think we cannot make the best decisions for them.