Is it the Age?

I can't help notice changes that are happening to me such as forgetting things, being fidgety, making more mistakes and losing confidence. I was never an outspoken person who seemed to exude confidence but I was also not a person who saw myself as lacking confidence. I may be an introvert but I did what I had to (I can't really say that for sure either because with people I know, I can talk a lot and some of them even find me crazy). I don't want to sound like I am blowing my own trumpet but I always did well in school (comparatively), topped classes, never fell below the mark required even when I thought I didn't do well and so got through my life being a student privileged for scholarships. That is why I am where I am today. Plus the sacrifices my parents and my siblings made to send me to school. [But it does not mean that I got very high marks like some top students do. I think students during that time did not do that well and I just happened to be little better. And I almost lost all enthusiasm when I reached class 12. I prayed more than I studied and then there was a desire too high to leave my studies and pursue something else. I thought it wasn't what would bring me meaning in life. Anyway, having a brother who saw future better helped -- and I continued on.]

But lately, I feel more nervous, unsure of myself and despite the positive self talk, I find myself doubting often. I used to notice people making mistakes -- there would be people who were just prone to making small mistakes like typos, dropping things, tripping, missing attachments in emails, including someone who isn't supposed to be in an email etc. And today it happened to me. I sent an email to a group of important people and missed the attachments. I tried dragging and dropping and it didn't work. So I went to insert to attach them. I really thought I did that but they were not there. So there you see! But I was also multitasking. I was in a meeting, taking notes, and writing an email -- and I am saying this only to console myself. The other thing I find myself not being able to do is multitask. I must have put that as a skill in my CV or cover letter before. It is either that I wasn't very honest or I have lost that with age. 

And so, talking about age, I keep wondering if it is because of age. I noticed things changing after I hit 40. But then again, I see many people much older who are very efficient. And that gives me hope that maybe there is this mark that we hit when we feel all of this and then even out or rather, grow back to picking up confidence and getting everything we once were. Even otherwise, I am not giving up. I come from a culture where submission is considered respect and I may take a little longer than others but I will get there. 

There is more introspection happening. I am beginning to accept that I am a person who overthinks (never thought I was), worries about what people would think of me and then at the end of the day, consider other people's interest over mine. I am also a person who speaks softly and does not volunteer to speak if I don't have to. There are times when I think of something that happened during the day throughout the night and I am not sure whether I am asleep and dreaming, half asleep and thinking or awake and thinking. From reading books to watching movies, subscribing to motivational talks and listening to podcasts by people who proclaim to have mastered traits I seem to lack, what I am happy about is that opportunity comes to those who do not give up. This is a universal law that works, through and through. I may not work as hard as some, but I am also not a person who is just pure lazy. 

Moving on, I hope I will feel the need and the confidence to put up my hands, speak more loudly than usual and find my way through without losing myself.