I'm sorry darling
19th November 2015
I can’t believe that I have not written to you for almost a year. I am writing today more with heartache and remorse over my own behavior than yours. I just reached office after dropping you to your daycare centre and I am still fresh with tears, my nose red and swollen. Your daddy is gone on a tour and it is just you, your ani, abi and me at home. For the past three days, it was a peaceful morning and evening and we were in our best mood. We were telling each other that we seemed to be sleeping more soundly when daddy was not there. And then, as if some unseen force was jealous of this whole peace and happiness, it came crumbling down this morning.
It wasn’t until you were about to dress to go to your daycare centre that it started. Your centre has a fluorescent tracksuit uniform and it is only on Wednesday that you can wear a casual dress of your choice. But today, I however had to tell you that you wouldn’t be wearing this uniform because I had forgotten to wash your pants yesterday and it wasn’t in a presentable condition to wear this morning. But, despite that choice you have, you insisted that you must wear the ‘gir pe nakhan jama’ – the blue dress that has fringes that can spin as you turn around. It has become your favorite and you wore it yesterday. I had to object because you wore it yesterday and it was dirty. It was like we were playing tug of war – you wanted it and I didn’t. And I had to win because at that moment, I so strongly felt that you should not wear it. No amount of my reasoning worked and I screamed and threw tantrums that I am ashamed to even think of right now. You and I both cried and you calmed down a bit when you saw me cry.
Despite your reluctance to eat breakfast earlier, you then nagged that you wanted to eat. You ate just four spoons of rice though. You agreed to wear the pink dress with Anna and Elsa’s picture that you recently received as a present from Lasem’s dad and mom and we were at the centre right when children were making a queue to celebrate birthday of one of them. As I write this letter, I can’t take your expression out of my mind and I feel like crying again. You seemed so meek and obedient as you walked next to me and you didn’t have your usual excited look. I am sorry I made you feel at wrong. I now feel that I could have let you wear the dress you wanted whether it was dirty or not and none of this fuss would have happened. I realize that I was more concerned about what others would think, which in fact is immaterial to you. I am sorry. And I am sorry again.
But you know darling, if I must let you have your way with everything, I might end up having to see you grow up as a daughter that I wouldn’t want. You must have some kind of discipline and you must also know that what your dad and I tell you is for your sake and not ours. But despite all this, I feel, I was at wrong for this morning’s fuss and I remain full of remorse.
I hope you know that I love you, no matter what fuss we go through.
P.S. Apart from this fuss of half an hour this morning, I had been meaning to write to you. You had so many questions for me from the time you knew that you are going to be an elder sister. You sing lullaby to the baby and ask me questions such as how the baby is going to come out; how baby could get inside my belly; if baby would burst out if he/she kicked so hard and many more. You tell me about how you are going to help me bathe and feed her/him as well and we in fact look forward to the days of bubbly happiness once more. In some ways, I feel sad that you will have to be responsible and not nag me as much as you do now. But of course, I would love you just the same.