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We may cry but it is for a greater joy

Dear Dechen,  

I have not written for so very long and it is in a way sad that I am writing today because I had to be harsh to you and right now while you are sleeping next to me, I am crying in remorse. There are times when it gets so difficult that I don't know how else to treat you to make you do what you have to. For example, this evening you didn't want to brush your teeth. I coaxed and praised and explained and did everything that I could but you just didn't agree and then I had to scold you and spank you on your bare arm with my hand. You finally brushed but you were still acting very stubborn. I just don't know how to make you not do something against my advice. 

You were in a very good mood before all this. I got home late because I had a meeting. I explained to you in the morning when I dropped you to school that you will be picked up by your grandma and you were okay. When I got home, your daddy went for dinner with Aunty Suzanne and group and it was just you, me and Abi. While I cleaned the rooms, you were so engrossed in drawing, cutting out your drawing and then pasting them on the wall. And just then, abi said dinner was ready. So she and I started eating dinner in the sitting room while you were still continuing the drawing in our bedroom. 

After the meeting, while I was at the Baby Point looking looking something for you, I met one Aunty and her daughter looking for Elsa's hair because she has to dress as Elsa in the school for a skit or some kind of a show. Then Aunty Kezang Deki who was with me told her that you have a hat that is supposed to be Elsa's hair and I had to agree to lend it to her. So while Abi and I were eating dinner that girl and Aunty kezang came and situation changed a bit. Aunty kezang ate dinner with us and she stayed on till it was time for you to sleep. The fuss of brushing your teeth started before she left. You said you wanted your daddy to brush it for you. It is always like that you know darling---you will keep swinging it between him and me and it kind of gets unpleasant after a while. Anyway, because I couldn't hold my patience, I had to be forceful.

You must know that I never spank you to hurt you. I cried getting frustrated, not knowing how best to deal with you. In such times I feel like I am all full and I have reached the end of all means. So, all I can do is pray to the almighty to help me, to guide me to a better way of dealing with you to make you grow into a fine person.

I have seen children your age who are very quiet and obedient, sitting next to their parents in the crowd and not moving an inch. I must tell you darling, while I see that it is very easy for the parents because they don't have to worry about having to attend to them getting hurt accidentally or accidentally knocking something off, I would still choose an active child like you over the ones like them. 

This is not what most of our days are like though. We are best friends most of the time and to think of it, in fact such little fuss in between shouldn't even warrant a letter. Last night, before we went to bed, we were so happy drawing different things like fish and flowers and ice creams. It was surprising that all you had to do was think of something--for example, you wanted to design a Kira for me and you had it on the paper. Similarly you designed a jacket for me. And I must tell you, it was such pure joy to sit next to you, watch you draw and explain what each drawing meant. One time you drew watches for yourself, Abi, me and daddy. Then you made a button and some kind of a frill. Until you explained, I didn't know that it was light flickering brightly when the switch is turned on.

So you see my darling, we create different worlds in our own small world without requiring much of anything but ourselves and or imagination and I tell you, it is this  that gives me happiness and makes me feel content. It is during such times that I feel complete and know for sure that there can't be more in life. 

So forget the little fuss. That is part of us growing up for the greater world and better us. I don't like the feeling that I might probably have made you feel helpless but it is not mummy's intention. It is always love, darling. And I hope you will know this someday.

I love you,
Mum 

Comments

Rima Reyka said…
So sweet. When she grows up one day and read back this post, she may understand what you feel. Keep writing Kuenza! :)
Kuenza L said…
Thanks Rima. You inspire me.

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