The extreme

5th April, 2010; 6:52 a.m. :

I never felt this alone. I wanted to log in and make an entry here simply because I have no one I can talk to when I'm feeling so extremely alone. I'm driven in the wilderness, in the remote villages and the closest people I can talk to are not here. God knows how many tears I shed since yesterday.

I really cannot say why I have this deep sadness but I never felt so alone; I never felt so tortured. I never felt so homeless. I never felt so hopeless. It is as if all the forces of the world are determined to work against me. But for now, I think I will have to let them win.

I know I will cry many tears. I will bleed inside. I will walk this path alone.  But despite all this pain, I'm sure it will come to pass and I will see the sun shine. Why should God or anyone decide that something is best for us when we know it isn't? I wonder if God is the best decision maker, when we have a brain that can plan things just as well. For now, all I can do is hope that, with this entry, I will be able to see today's sunshine without tears blocking my sight.

I sign out with more resignation than hope. I want to kill every small hope I have. I want to give everything up and say, I'm all for you now; make me what you want; even if you want to carve my body and design a God there, you are welcome. I feel like I'm kneeling before an altar, all ready to sacrifice. But no, I will see another day.