Kuenza's Diary

22nd April, 2010: I must have walked this road at least 20 times. I must have crossed the stream in Godi 20 times as well. And for all those times, I'm sure I must have dreamed a hundred dreams. I don't quite remember what I dreamed to be when I grew up. I remember, when I was first placed in Tashigang, my father reached me to school on foot. My father carried a wooden box and I walked beside him -- I'm sure I carried a load too but I don't remember what load or what kind of bag I carried. Nothing fanciful I'm sure but I really want to remember every small detail. But I only remember walking beside my father on a sunny day. It is dark already. And I'm traveling by car today. But in my mind, I only see me walking beside my father or traveling by a truck, so car sick at the end of the journey. I want to remember each conversation my father and I must have had but I cannot remember them. And I hate myself for that. I wish I could just browse somewhere in my hea...

I stayed for two years in Kanglung but when my friends made a trip to Rangshikhar, I could not. I lived with regret for nine years. But today, I was to erase my regret forever. I woke up early. I said prayers and this morning, I could visualize my lama so well, so well that I even started to fear if it was a bad omen. I prayed that the Rangshikhar Rinpoche be there at the gonpa but he wasn’t. We were informed that he was returning from his neykor only today. Maybe this was the bad omen. But I have no regret. I had his audience many years back in Tashigang Pam, where I attended a tshechu. The rough road from Tashigang Pam seems to stretch for more than 11 kilometers. You don’t see any single house until you really plunge into the village. Then, as you go up again, there isn’t any sign of what you will see as you reach the hill top. Really, what greets you as you reach there is nothing like you would imagine. I felt as though thousands of sins were washed off – as if an old skin of sin...

 It is a privilege like no other. I am in the east these days, touring villages, undertaking the GNH Survey. I admit, it is so tiring to interview people, move from one gewog to another in two days. It is not like, I am alone and move from one place to another without hassle. We are 25 in a group. Imagine the accommodation and food we have to arrange. At this time of the year, it rains; weather is unpredictable even when it is sunny. So we cannot trust to sleep in the tent. But forget all these problems. Forget even the little downs and disagreements that is part and parcel of teaming different people. It is exciting to see different villages every two days. I feel, I’m going to know every corner of my country.  I was at Galing in Shongphu Gewog yesterday. And today, I’m in Radi. Isn’t that great? It is like I’m trying to grasp every new experience in a memory chip. When I get an opportunity to see different villages and experience true ...

5th April, 2010; 6:52 a.m. : I never felt this alone. I wanted to log in and make an entry here simply because I have no one I can talk to when I'm feeling so extremely alone. I'm driven in the wilderness, in the remote villages and the closest people I can talk to are not here. God knows how many tears I shed since yesterday. I really cannot say why I have this deep sadness but I never felt so alone; I never felt so tortured. I never felt so homeless. I never felt so hopeless. It is as if all the forces of the world are determined to work against me. But for now, I think I will have to let them win. I know I will cry many tears. I will bleed inside. I will walk this path alone.  But despite all this pain, I'm sure it will come to pass and I will see the sun shine. Why should God or anyone decide that something is best for us when we know it isn't? I wonder if God is the best decision maker, when we have a brain that can plan things just as well. For now, all I ca...