Kuenza's Diary

I have loved before. I have been married before too. And I was happy once upon a time. That must have been a year back. Or maybe, it was only yesterday. To me, it seems like it was only yesterday; like I have never really been apart from him. I was hurt again today. In love. And that is when I realized that I have felt this pain before. It was then that I knew, I left love in the hope of abandoning pain; in the hope of running away from selfish feelings; in the hope of fighting attachment. And yet, I was in the same pit of feelings, same pit of emotions and now again, I look at those innocent drugged eyes of seduction and can’t help deny this want swell in me. I didn’t plan this. I know neither did he. But it is as if my destiny was always here. It is as if I have forever been floating on the surface of a river, watching the tide to catch me. It is as if we have always been together, weaving love. And now, paralyzed in the emotion which is so familiar, I can’t walk away when I feel his...

You are not who I thought I will love You are not who I thought I will cry for And yet, you make me want to cry I want to stop dead and not talk I want to shut my eyes close and not look And yet, I see your face everywhere Or what is there to care? Let me cry until tears run dry Let me look for you until you are really here… Even if I don’t know if you would really be there //Author’s note: In the mood of wanting to cry. The experience of heart wrenching open, blood-oozing pain and the undeniable emotions of blinding madness.

The bright afternoon sun shone on her dreams. She blinked her eyes in surprise. How is it possible? It was only yesterday that she wondered about him. And how can he be here today? She dreamed of him every night. She thought of him every day. She talked to him even in her sleep. His name became a prayer on her lips. And it is particularly his lips that stuck in her mind and gave her a feeling of wanting to touch it. That deep curve of smile. That sharp turn of lips. And since she first saw his pictures, she held his image in her head as if she believed that thinking of him every day would bring him in front of her for real. And from that day on, thinking of him became her job. If it did nothing good, it made her heart swell in love. They waged stakes. The war was already waging inside her heart. But when one day he turned up in front of her for real and asked her to marry her, she did. Lying beside each other in bed under normal circumstances which was a bet in the hypothet...

I loved him. The first time I lay my eyes on him was at my friend Karma’s house. He then had more of a rowdy looks of a teenager who hangs out in Thimphu town every night – knowing nothing better to do. But behind that, I could see in his eyes something more serious and deep. I kept wondering, “Why am I feeling that way when I’m with him?” For the few times I had to travel alone with him in his car, I had hard time finding nothing to say. I just felt too awkward and it was as if his presence was just so enormous that he occupied my seat as well. Months passed. Years passed. Nothing happened. Friends started teasing. I think it was obvious that I felt something more than friendship. The best I could do was simply smile or tease someone back and not let my feelings show. I have never fallen in love before. I have no history of having dated any men. This made it easier for me to hide my feelings. I had never written a love letter in my life. I have always laughed when my friends cr...

It is when I’m sitting with my friends talking that I suddenly think of my pending works. Or it is when I’m about to fall into a good slumber that I think of them. Then I tell myself, “Tomorrow, I will work. Tomorrow, I will ignore my friends even if they ask me how I’m doing.” But the next day I’m in the office, it is the same. As soon as I log in on my gmail account, I see my friends. Luzee is one person I talk to, no matter how busy I am. And we always have endless things to talk about. So 10 minutes mean an hour. For that reason, I stay invisible most of the time, but like Luzee, if there is anyone who I prefer talking to, I end up wasting the whole day and then, my works remain pending. And so I have to keep trusting my last minute tips of working till bones give way. Even today, I was determined that I will finish that one work which has been gnawing on me for a few weeks. But Luzee says, ‘oooi’ and there goes one hour of my time. Then comes another person, this person I have ch...

A man who has lived meditating all his life is in Thimphu to visit his son. Finding that Thimphu isn’t a place for him, he soon wants to leave. One morning, he is at the Thimphu Bus Station. He gets into the bus; and just as soon, he comes out to ask someone nearby if he is in the right bus. He sees this cocky, young man, standing near the bus, a cigarette in his right hand, looking around condescendingly. The Tshampa asks the young man, “Young man, is this the bus to Lhuntse?” The boy looks squarely on the face of the Tshampa and replies, “Why would I know? I’m not the bus driver. Go over there and ask someone!” For the person who asked this question, it meant nothing. He didn’t even think it was harsh. But to the observers nearby, it was a scornful behavior. For a young man like him, even if he was from very rich parents, it only showed his shallowness. But that was that. When an observer remarks that he should be behaving better than that, he replies, “I don’t care!” wi...