Thursday, July 23, 2015

Mother's Dilemma

I got late to office today. As I parked my car and got out, it was 9:45 a.m. Now, being a mother isn’t a cup of tea. I console myself saying that my parents lived in a more difficult time and therefore, they went through more hardship – which means, what I go through now is nothing. But does that work? Rarely.

I got late because when I dropped my four-year-old daughter to her daycare, her principal asked me and all other parents to come inside their school to look at their first term progress report. I went to my daughter’s class, her hand clasped in mine. She started bending her head left and right, showing that coy behavior that she wasn’t so willing to go with rest of the children to the assembly. Her daycare has introduced a parrot green tracksuit as uniform for the children. My daughter doesn’t want to wear it to school. Today, she put them in her bag saying she was going to take help from her teacher, Madam Pasang to wear it once she was at school. Now, as I stood in her classroom, waiting for her madam to show me her progress report, she told me that she would like me to help her put on the uniform – and I did. Slowly, she began to nag. At first she wanted to give me a kiss, which she did. Then she wanted me to watch her say her morning prayer at the assembly. She said, ‘mummy jang rab ze yithro phiwa goth pa lek la’. I said I will. Now, maybe I yielded too much. She then said she wanted to go home. She didn’t want to stay at school today. I explained, reasoned, and told every little thing I could to let her see that being in school is more interesting than being home. This only made her cry, clinging on me. But she was not the only child who wanted to go home. There was another boy her age doing the same. There was yet another boy crying quietly inside the classroom.

When no explanation worked, her principal came and took her off from me. It had to be forceful. She screamed and cried and fought to let her off. Once she was locked inside the altar room with other children where they were gathered to say the morning prayer and national anthem, I could hear her shout, ‘Nga chhi na jo ni’ – (I want to go home!) at the top of her voice. I faltered wondering if I should give in. I called my husband. He said I should leave her at school because she has to know that she can’t just have everything her way. I asked my husband’s sister who is home to go out and see if she was playing as usual in the school playground in a while.

A mother’s heart burst into pieces hundred times everyday. There is a dilemma of such kind in each small activity. The routine of making children brush. The discipline of making them not watch TV while they eat. The routine of making them sit and eat in the manner they should. The list goes on. And no matter how helpful your husband is, the major chunk of the responsibilities fall on the mother. And mothers usually don’t complain. Do they? Children also prefer to nag mothers more.


And you know what makes it worse? Just as I parked my car and came out, my boss came. The two times I had to go home at 4 p.m., I met him on the way. I keep bumping into him when I reach office late, or leave office early. It nags me because bosses do not always see deeper than these minor irregularities. And I feel like I should resign. Would there then be more peace?

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Love with a stranger

I am not quite sure what enticed me to this place. And where did I meet him? I must tell you, I have a really bad memory and I can’t remember where I met him and when. And how we got to know each other. But suffice me to say that, I remember the best part of my life with him. The moment that comes vividly to my mind right now as I write it down is the moment I felt so much love. That feeling of complete bliss, the feeling of butterflies in my stomach as he hugged me, his hands locked in front of my bosom, his head nestling on my shoulder, kissing my neck, softly uttering, ‘I love you. You are the best thing that happened to me.’

Would there be a better place for me? There was not a single doubt in my mind that I had found my soul mate. The most important thing was that he made me feel beautiful, and completely at ease.

And of course, not all things last. This changed. Suddenly. And I was left with no consolation. I had no friends, and no relatives to seek help from. I fell for a person with the sweetest words. I cried day and night. At that moment, I felt more shocked than betrayed. I couldn’t believe that a person can utter love without feeling the tiniest of flutter in his heart. I wondered, ‘did he need practicing it many times to lure women to his arms and then leave them heartbroken?’ I was dismayed over the fact that a person can be this heartless. Over the fact that a person can find no better way to earn a living than to lure women into matrimony, rob them off their valuables and then leave them helpless.

But I believe women are stronger than men. If they have the guts to cheat on them, betray them, or rob them, women have the power to come back. I also wondered if I appeared gullible to him. I am not a girl who hangs out late. Knowing myself well, I had no one to blame but my fate. Right now, all I tell myself is that I am unlucky in love. On the other hand, I am grateful that he left me before I was pregnant. I always believed that love could never turn to hatred but at the moment, having gone through the unbelievable twist of fate, if I had to see a face that resembled him on my lap everyday, I feel I would hate the world itself.


Anyway, I went back to being single from married. And because he disappeared before I could introduce him to my friends and family, I was spared many questions. I am recovering from shock and sadness at his behavior and I am beginning life anew.