Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Better Pasture


I herd sheep in a beautiful meadow
They graze in full freedom
Till their belly is full
I watch them walk looking for better pasture
Even when they need no more

I do not say a word
I watch them and just let them be
I squeeze my eyes
And look at the other side of the river
Now, ain’t the other side of the river more beautiful?

Ah! I sigh taking in the nature’s beauty
Sakteng it is called
Maybe one of earth’s heaven it is
My sheep have all gone for better pasture
But I don’t want to make another choice

Right here is my heaven
River flows with a peaceful calm
People work in natural harmony
And I, this stranger in this place
Gulp in this moment’s peace as I say
There is never a greener pasture.

"My favorite thing about getting older"


This was a blogging topic in Redroom. The instant I saw it in my mailbox, I thought, I would like to write something about it, but it lay in my mailbox just like that. I didn’t log in Redroom, neither did I write anything about this topic. I think more than three months passed just like that. But today, as if I have no other work, I thought I will write about it, here, now, because I seem to think a lot about getting old, of growing old, of the stages of life. 

 
First, traveling in the east with the young graduates made me think I have grown so old. I found that their thought process and mine differed. I found that their interest and mine differed too. If they wanted to roam around every small town in the place we visited, I remained hooked in the corner of the gup’s office the whole day. But I watched hell lot of movies. This is the recent instance that made me think I’m already so old. But there were many things which made me wonder if everyone had to follow the same steps in growing up. 



Why do I hear, always, always and always, people talking about masters? What am I gonna master in the first place and what do I want to master in my life? Yes, this is one step of growing older, of climbing up the career staircase. I don’t like this about growing old. 


As you grow older, you get married, give birth, buy land, hoard properties, shoulder bigger responsibilities, compromise more, and many more. I don’t like this either about getting older.

But yes, I like staying with my mother; this time, me looking after her. I like seeing bigger picture of the world. I like sitting among the learned, the senior officials and conversing at their terms.

I like having matured view of things: as in, I like seeing every single entity related to other entities; I like seeing life as being dependent on many other factors in life. I like the maturity that comes with age that relationship is the most important factor in happiness of a person; and I like the knowledge that comes with age that, beauty lasts for a while and whether we are poor, cruel, kind, rich or ugly, we all have one basic common duty to ourselves: to be honest and true.

I even like the fact that as one grows older, the taste in food and clothes changes. I no longer care if I’m wearing an outdated outfit; I no longer care if I’m shouting in the middle of town; I no longer care if someone sees me in town carrying a heavy load on my back. And I like the fact that, I no longer complain about bitter fruits and vegetables.

As I grow older I find that I have fewer complaints about life. More important than anything is that, as I grow older, I find that, life becomes more beautiful – you know that the imperfections can always be there and you can enjoy it or you will only groan not being able to perfect it all.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Why Can I Not Write My Autobiography?

I’m now putting this question to myself. But why can’t an ordinary person write an autobiography? I want to know. My friend who already published a book and is about to publish another one says, an ordinary person doesn’t write an autobiography. His reasons are that, no one will read it. He said ‘You have to be famous to write an autobiography.’ I don’t agree. You will see why. 

I feel like crying now as I listen to his next sentence: ‘People like us have no voice.’ Why not? I have always wanted justice, equity, fairness. And now, maybe I want to cry because I find that this is what the reality is. But still, I know I can fight. I will write an autobiography if I want to. The whole conversation started from his information that his next book is almost ready to be published. He said he could help me if I wanted to print something. I could find a printer of course. Why not, if I had the money? I was saying I won’t want to publish something if it was purposeless; if its purpose was just to make money or have my name engraved on a booklet. 

‘Who will read your autobiography?’ asked he. I tell him that an ordinary person’s life has more lessons than a famous person’s. If a celebrity talked about her life, she would indirectly be scorning ordinary people. She would probably be talking about what ordinary life doesn’t have. Except that she will try to put it in a way as to how that could be achieved. They will call it a lesson, which in my perception isn’t. 

I might want to go on, but it is time that I left this place. But before I say goodbye, I want to say that I will write an autobiography if I want to; I don’t care if no one reads it. I don’t care if it remains on the shelf and collects dusts.

But I will do it if I want to.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

You My Gem

I see a bad dream
Lose sleep
Worry about you
And know why I need you

I travel for work
Go away from home
Think of you
And know you are precious

Every little thought
Is about you
Every little prayer is for you
You my mother,
If only to have you with me forever
I wish the world were permanent

[Note: Had a very bad dream last night and I couldn’t sleep. I worried about my mother; just then I heard her go to toilet. It was 4:30 a.m. That made me know that she was living; but it didn’t take away my worry.]

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

A letter of advice to my nephew

I'm not trying to show my frustration here but you will see what I'm talking about when you come of age to handle your life and so many other responsibilities in life yourself. Right now, probably you don't understand what it is to have problems or what it means to find solution.

I'm very postive that by being on your own away from home, you are seeing life in a differnt light and growing up faster than you otherwise would have. Please understand that, when you have parents who are willing to spend for you to earn education for you, you shouldn't just throw away that opportunity in the whim of seeking fun. You might not realize now how important it is to even secure a good percentage in your academic performance. But I tell you, I came through the same stage you are now in. Now I understand the importance of taking responsibility seriously.

You don't have to throw every second you have on the books. But it would pay you if you could find good time to spend on them. Think it over. Don't just think I'm talking elderly advice. Look through it and try it. If it doesn't pay you, find a way that you think is going to pay you. Right now the path you have chosen is to study, to complete graduation. And to complete that path, you have to take what have been bestowed on you as the responsibility - and that is to study and make sure that you graduate with a good performance.

You might want to listen this with a deaf ear or you might want to listen to it with your heart. Both depend on you. But you have to know which is best for you and which would benefit you. I leave in your hand to make the choice. We can only tell you to do the best. It is in your hand to do it or not.

Why Must You Compromise?


You plan something; something comes up in the middle
It makes you question
If what you chose was wrong
And suddenly your plan seems small; unimportant

Then comes apprehension
Anxiously you want to know for sure
Which one is truer; a priority
You wait unknown

Then comes a day
Your plan is not what you need
You must follow the path
It is set for you

Some take longer
Some see it instantly
But a path is set
For just everyone
And that is why, you must compromise
When you think your plan isn’t working

Friday, July 2, 2010

Am I Supposed to Be Here?

It is 6:58 a.m. now. I have been tussling in bed for an hour. I woke up to find that I had severe pain on the left lower abdomen. I was worried if something was wrong. My husband is a General Secretary of this Ngangpa Football Club and so he has gone for the Player’s Practice. These days a National A League is going on here in Thimphu. I immediately thought I must call him but I didn’t because I thought maybe I was just over-reacting. After that, I did not fall asleep. I just fiddled my cell phone and read the notes I have written there. I usually note everything there. It is so convenient; I don’t have to carry a notepad now.

As I was reading those notes, I wondered again about why I am still lying here, always thousand questions in my head; always debating; always in the uncertainty of many things; always wanting something for real; always craving for a life beyond this. I know there is more to life than we can see, feel and perceive.

Lying in the bed, curtains still hung down, though dawn broke more than two hours ago, I felt like, I was up early, the world still sleeping. It is especially during such time that I feel like, I can really touch the edge of the world and it would actually move. It is during such time that I feel, I can actually run away or really, really feel so close to my own heart. Or say, so close to what I think I can do.

And during such times, I increasingly think of my secret crested dream of being a kind of a loner. It is always comforting to have someone who loves you, someone you can always count on. Once you are married to someone, it is like, you have the right, kind of a license to call him anytime you want, complain what you want or just beg him to care for you, or just pamper you. I mean, there is the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is actually licensed to care for you, but it is this tie that sows the seed into mangling your nerves more into prolonging your stay in the samsara. And I so dislike this truth. I so dislike this truth that I really, really started believing, if I gave birth, I would all the more prolong my stay in samsara. But speaking today, I don’t seem to know if I still hold that view. But I know, I’m kind of doomed for now. Firstly I didn’t want to get married but I did. Secondly, I no longer am sure if I don’t want to hold a baby in my arms. I cannot picture myself breastfeeding a baby. But I so like the picture of pregnant women walking in town with that peculiar glow on their face that only a pride of being a mother can give.