Monday, June 16, 2008

Talking to Myself

6:33am, Thursday, 12th June, 2008

I was awake and in bed, yawning and thinking of life. I felt vague but an urgent need to get up and unearth reality. I felt detached from everything. I felt like only thing that can give meaning was in making it real. Fuck the attachment. Why should it muddy every beautiful feeling?





"People are fucking incomprehensible."

Monday, June 9, 2008

Seeing World WITH Wider Vision

I’m not going to say, I see the world wide and clear now. It is true, we learn everyday from people we meet, things we see, and talks we hear. I think, in a few days, I have learnt so much pertaining to life. I know I haven’t learnt anything more in regard to my work. But it doesn’t mean, I have retarded to the dwarf-like structure of my work. I think, I grow. Everyone does.


I wrote “The Lesson” in www.nopkin.com, a place where I mostly share my views. I would be expressing too strong, if I say, I vent my emotions there. I don’t really do that, but once in a while, I become a protagonist who almost always loses someone or something – and ends up crying.

In two days, I have learnt to respect myself. Not that I never respected myself before. But you know, sometime, in the midst of flimsy activities, you forget principles you so strongly crested in your mind. And just two days back, I have come back to sense, not much with a thud but with a cool realization. I didn’t do any wrong but I think I was thinking that I could measure life with my own yardstick and change its unit as I wanted. But I guess, I was wrong there. I forgot for a while that I was living in this world with many other humans who had same essential organs and yet differ at the same time.


I now know that, no matter – even in jest, I should not utter words that would hang hearts in mid-air. Do I sound so vague? I think for some reason, I don’t want to sound so clear. I had difficulty understanding when I read in some papers that there could be people who would draw happiness from causing harm to others. In my understanding, I could only fathom that people can have peace in their heart only if they created harmony around themselves. But now, I think I understand that there can be people who can be at sheer joy just by the pain inflicted on themselves or others. There can be people I guess, who like enduring pain. They get pleasure from the pain they endure.


I am here only to say one thing in fact. It is easier to live life when you have just one reason to live. To live to die.


In the novel “Love in the Time of Cholera” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I read this line: “Dr. Urbino never saw her again, not even by accident, and God alone knows how much grief his heroic resolve cost him or how many bitter tears he had to shed behind the locked lavatory door in order to survive this private catastrophe. /….his heart broken but his soul at peace.”


So I think it is better to have your soul in peace than have your heart happy. I guess our hearts often are rendered more attention than required. We can tempt it and we can forget what once gave it so much pull.


The lesson is that, even when you are talking with a stranger with the light-hearted conversation of lighting hearts, there should be no smoke produced. You should remain just where you are and where you should be.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Pearls...



Have you ever gone out for shopping with girls? I am talking to men. You will realize how long you have to walk and how long you have to stand in one single shop to buy a thing. But I’m not like that – meaning, I don’t take long to buy something I like. The moment the attraction strikes, I have it in my hand before the mind alters. So…yes, it is lot simpler. I have not regretted this habit of mine so far.

We were six girls on a shopping spree in Green Hills (Philippines). I didn’t have anything in my mind to buy. But many wanted to buy corals and pearls. I was with them anyway and when I had bought some eight gifts, they had not bought one single coral. So I later sat near an escalator…that was the only place I could sit; every little space was a shop. So I waited. And I waited. I think I finally had them at my heels.

Finally when we were to have lunch, it was a dejected experience of not getting vegetarian food. But despite that, I think I put on weight.

And the next day we went there, I bought this pearl I’m wearing in the picture. That was the only one that caught my eyes. You might not like it but I do. My mother didn’t like it. She thought it didn’t look good on me. I think this is my only possession of girls’ Ornaments. I wear earrings. But they are huge rings that look odd in the eyes of my mother. I have this obsession for big, round earrings you know. But I hate having to worry about wearing it to my workplace. It is how things are here. You cannot simply say that you will be what you want to be. You irrevocably think of what your boss might think. Oh man, it kills me sometimes.

A revolt I am to such things, I can’t help. But oh yes, those pearls I was to talk about. Do you find it beautiful?