Thursday, June 28, 2007

Being There For a Friend

Letter written to a friend in June, 2005.

Something surfacing in your life after what seems like a forgotten decade
I want to tell you this as the foremost point: what you have is always better than what you don’t have but long for as it seems good. Ask yourself the question of whether you can start everything all over again. You have known him for long years now. I’m sure you have never known someone as close as him.
Now my question is, will you be able to start everything from the beginning trying to know that guy as close as him? And do you think when you are with him you can feel as comfortable as yourself as you are with X? Just cuz X tells you that you can choose your way, do you think you can forget all those moments you have known him and cherished so far? Do you think you can walk away from him to get sth. that you have no knowledge of what will bring? Now, my dear friend, I want you to think everything over. I understand that feeling where you get carried away and feel you love two of them the same. But what you should not forget is that the 2nd guy is not even near you. You cannot see his face when he speaks what he urges you for. You cannot hold his gaze when he makes a promise. Can you be sure that after all these years he is still the same guy? What if you lose what you have in the quest of what you don’t?

From the little you talked about him, I didn’t feel like you had so much of a time together to know him. I don’t know if you know him well to love him. Love is blind sometimes but love that is for lifelong keep is not. Love that is blind lives in memory but love for a life lives with you.

I feel it will be better if you stay with X but choice is for you to make. I (only) don’t want my friend to regret later and look back over the years where she could have lived so much happier. No matter what, it is YOU who is gonna be the reaper of your decision – do that best suits you.


LETTERS L and I EXCHANGED IN THE COURSE OF OUR LIFE

14th September, 05

Dear L,
I’m at a loss of word at this moment not cause I don’t have anything to say but cause I don’t know how to begin and from where. We indeed traveled a larger part of the world than I can put right out here. Days then were brighter and our laughter more lasting. Life indeed was more than a living. We really lived cause we knew the essence of ourselves and the futility of words uttered at mere envy and leisure.

Now, how far have we traveled? And for how long? Can we really count? I know days were more than countable and happiness was simply infectious. We did cry but tears never left us shattered. We always had a way to smile and a reason to laugh. Things never were too bad; and this was all because I had a friend walking beside me who saw nothing but the better side of life. You did make me see many things hidden behind the cloud of life and made me realize the meaning of being an individual.

I probably failed you for more times than I can remember. I know I couldn’t always be at your bedside every time you wanted me to be. I guess I overlooked matters that were in fact essential. I’m sorry for them. I know you have a human heart that can forgive than I can imagine about anyone else. So lemme assume that I’m forgiven for all the unlikable circumstances caused and you thus stood by me unshakably firm as the best of friend.

The journey we had had. The fun we created. The havoc we overstepped. The laughter we shared. The smiles we spread. The life we enjoyed. They were more than any beautiful adjective can describe. Our definition of friendship evolved into being able to see the projection of other person’s view. And that is how we were always ready to accept and ready to talk out and listen to each other. If there were not many things we enjoyed, we had the share of life we can never forget. As we sat and talked into the late night (esp. in 1st year), we came to understand broader reasons and meanings of life and we in fact came to believe more than ever in the reason of having to be good. It was an achievement we will carry throughout our lives. Do you remember how we used to sit in the physics lad wondering why we had to study all those things which didn’t make up the cause to liberate? Somehow we went through them all and today we stand here with something to name. We would not have built rockets and planes but if we had more of such classes, we really would have sent our minds too far to come back and sit in the class the next day. Days were still beautiful cause they gave us time to talk and analyze. It was greater fun and more meaningful, the friend being you.

Now, now…we have so much of a history and too long a story. Lemme on your birthday, not narrate our history but wish you very, very happy birthday. May the years ahead be even more fulfilling and joyous. May you live hundreds of years achieving the goals of your dreams. Your birthday gave me an opportunity and a reason to tell you a portion of my thoughts about our friendship. Likewise, taking the same opportunity, I pledge my friendship and thank you for being there for me and for being a wonderful friend.

A very happy birthday!!!

K



3rd August, 03

Dear Kuenza, “In true friendship, a friend knows all about you and still likes you.” Thank you for being a true friend despite the person I’m. Your friendship will be cherished for ever and ever…!!!
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY. Always, Luzee.




Dear K,

The world is at her heights, when people tend to forget everything…and new year is just another chance to relive the gone days…how was yours? Mine turned out to be quite good, despite the vacant feelings of people being missed, including you!!!

I always feel good to make resolutions, which I may or may not follow. Likely, for the year, I have drawn just few and I think I’m determined enough to give a try…lets see if I keep my word.

Looking back to the roads I have covered, I see myself having been so different…in the sense that my shrewdness has overtaken my nature many a times! Conclusively, I feel I’m this only, ain’t I? and fortunately, I have been destined with people who took me for myself, not for my nature…they accepted my humane form despite hurdle I have been for them…they laughed out the best in me and corrected my foes…they taught the best side of the coin…and did almost everything for me!!! And amongst them, I have one prominent figure who is always the foremost character. Would you be surprised if I declare that as “YOU and you only”?

Thank you for being the most tolerable friend…and don’t forget, you still have 2 and ½ more years to bear me…Ha!

C’mon…draw some hopes for the year. Live them…make them come true. You will love it!!
Always, Luzee.






5th August, 04
Dear Kuenza,

Six years with you. What could I account that to? Another phase of my life?

1999-2001: Sherubtse. Then we were hi-bye friends, barely saving ourselves from little knowings. (Little did I expect to journey another four years with you)

2001, Aug: We came to India, some 2000 miles away from home. I was as new to you as you were to me. Yet, we threaded along somehow.

Now, 2004, Aug: see the speed of time. I feel as if I’m getting to know you. Hey, that’s true. Because, in every corner of you, there is something new and interesting to explore.

Your friendship is invaluable to me, and yourself priceless. You are someone at whom I can lash airs at, because once the blows are all over, you are evergreen in your heart. I love this patience in you. Forgive me for all the misdeeds I have casted upon you. Like when I talk my secrets, you feed-back gives me the assurance, ‘Yes L, she is on your side’. Thank you for everything dear.

The best part of our friendship has been our quest for spiritualism. Thanks to you I have come an inch closer to knowing myself. Hope you remain eternal in your nature, you are simply great.

Have a great day. I shall wish that your year be wonderful as you want it. and anytime you need me, remember I’m just next door. I would be waiting for your call, be it at midnight. (Hey…no bad intention mey! Ha ha!)

Happy Birthday.
L

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Conversation with a Friend

Buddhism
Buddhism doesn't shun, it doesn't differentiate - it encompasses everything in its rich vastness.

I have always believed that Buddhism is not a religion. It is more than science of mind: I mean to say that it doesn't only tell us how of many things in our lives but it tells us the basic thing of how to live. I have it in my mind, the desire to really feel the realization of the nature of mind and I feel that this will let me be more moral and this fact reassures me that I won't turn nasty - not in any way.


Why Killing Animals is a Sin

Killing animals is a sin according to me. It is not because Buddhism tells us that it is a sin. It is because, I can feel it inside myself the wrong in it.

1. It is a sin to take lives of other living beings - and it is a simple fact that needs no justification.

2. Humans were not born to make balance in the ecosystem - other animals do that because they are not equipped like humans to have other means.

3. Humans can't be equaled to other animals because humans are animals with brain who can think, judge and assess.

4. Humans don't have to kill animals to balance the ecosystem because what humans can bring through it is already there in the food web. If humans are meant to bring balance by killing animals in the food web, then there should be someone eating humans too.

5. If it were all natural to kill animals, or eat meat, why doesn't someone who does it get satisfaction? Have anyone felt good after killing an animal?

Ask those who feel it is OK to kill animals to kill and rest in some mental discussion with himself. Ask them if they get any satisfaction or peace from that act. Then, probably he will know what it means to kill. Also ask them to contemplate someone killing him and what thoughts he might go through when he sees his murderer before him. Would thoughts be beautiful? Would he think, 'oh here is my death coming. He is gonna kill me and I am glad someone is going to end my life'?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Special Person

We aren't rich couples who laze in the luxury of wealth but simple, honest couple who try to grasp small meanings in life and not the bigger riches that vanish in moments. We were both raised in the farming family which makes us more mature than other people of our age. We have seen more than those who are raised in town. We have seen hardship they haven't. He is special because he understands me more than anyone else. Sometimes, even more than myself. He stands by me and give me time to realize my mistakes, if ever there is one. We aren't at that tender age where marriage is taken as some kind of a relationship that can be broken and replaced with a new one. As we move along in life, we together come to understand that marriage is a function of a lifetime that cannot be repeated in the same pattern and that nor can we feel the same for another person in quite the same way we do with that person who hold our hand for the first time.
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"If we're going to make it work between us, we're both going to have to give a little. I'm not asking you to believe. I'm asking you to come with me to church. Marriage is about compromise; it's about doing something for the other person, even when you don't want to." ~ From "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Moments in Silence

To me, life isn't about pursuing dreams and forgetting its small subtle things that give happiness.


Happiness comes from realizing your dreams

Actually what we desire most in life is love and all great people in history have accepted that.


The emotions that come in the simplest forms are like ambrosia to the Gods. The sweetest nectar.

Love is so eminent in us.....it is like a wave. Rises and falls.

That is what I’m saying...actually the basic need for human isn't accomplishing high dreams and ambitions but having what our heart desire.


I feel everyone who has got some titles is one who have worked for it

If only u knew...love can encompass a whole galaxy in it.

I’m sure when two people think of each other; they can really feel each other

You are like a rainbow...I can only see u stretch above me with your splendor

It’s a longing that a child has for his mom. It’s longing...a craving for the stars to fall

There are times when you meet someone and though you hardly know him/her, he/she kinda get struck in your mind...and you can't just seem to let go.

Actually that is what complicates me you know. I can't just not love the person who loves me.

Love doesn't have to be divided. Love just the same.

You will be that dappled light in my dark empty night.

You will know that every evening like a kid lost in thoughts, I would sit by the steps and ponder.

Loving you would be like loving the spring for the charm and beauty. Well, I can at least fall in love with the flowers, even if I don’t own the plant

Love isn't remembered through a gift of something. It is remembered as a gift in itself.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Me with my friends

From Left: Kyangsom, Kinley & I



From Left: Tenzy, Leki and I


With Phub Dem (she is one on the Right)



With Lungten (L on the left)












Conversation

From M: Dude, you know what, you’re such a special friend of mine. You don’t know that somewhere sometimes down the river once you were there for me.
Dude, may the coming anniversaries in your life make love between two of you stronger and have a beautiful life. Dude remember that your lover is the best person in the world and nothing should lessen your love for him.

To Bro. Tshering: Persistent practice is what your course demand and I know you have quite the potential for it. A brother’s word resounding in my mind, it even made me feel a little emotional. It carried me way back to the early days of my childhood when I had fun as a kid…and you invented games to keep us all gay.

To Karma: I’m sorry for being too idiotic, not even sending you a message. I was bit worried but I thought nothing wrong would come to you. Not because sickness can’t inflict you, but I’ve this faith which says you are strong and would be through with anything. It may seem that I don’t care, but your wellbeing matters to me as much.

Like a torrent of rain, my tears fall. Each time I think of you, the pain of missing you kills a part of me.

Saying ‘I love you’ isn’t so easy. When you really feel it from the depth of your heart, it takes more than just words.

You will find exam ain’t a great knocker. As your exam nears and you get busier, I miss you more. At times, I even feel lonely. At times, I miss you to the extent of breaking down. Yet, I know, you’re there for good.

When the day shines brighter and the moments dance in the sweet serenity of day’s warmth, may you have a fabulously wonderful day.

It was yesterday. Today is a day ahead, nearer to our future.


It is nice to hear you after such a long time and it is even nicer to realize that our friendship stands on the same ground of surmounting beauty despite time and distances that separate us into long silence.

Just know that somewhere in the bosom, this dumb guy got a heart.

Thoughts of possessiveness comes when there is the fear of losing the loved one. It’s not because they don’t believe you. It is because they don’t have faith in others who might take advantage of your sweetness.

I’m not in a position to know anything so crisp.

What I feel, I cannot explain. Neither do I feel like putting them into someone’s head. Because each individual is a complete entity entitled with unique way of thinking, viewing and understanding things. No one can really make anyone thin in his way. But I don’t like this crude thing of human ego.

People can talk, share, and listen, not necessarily curb the way one thinks.

Complex as humans are and different as they are from one another, they have this so called thinking capacity to adjust, accept and take in other’s feels too. we are lucky that way.

To Thinley: You sure have time, enough to make hell a heaven. All days aren’t gone with the wind. And neither are your best times spent. You have what you want, only when you are ready to receive it.

Row and Tips (with Wiseman)
--Hear with the right ear and let it out from the left rather than swallowing.
-- Dear wiseman, if I were at least three steps below you, I would have tried letting it out from the other ear. But really, wiseman, I’m imperfect human and I don’t like people who can’t mind their own f**** business. Thanks for the tip. I hope I can climb a step or two in the future and practice it.
--I cannot tolerate you doing this. Sometimes, try keeping such things within yourself. Bringing out wouldn’t do any good. Did it reduce anything in you?
--Please, if I could, I would. I’m telling you, if I were at least three steps below you, I would just say, oh forget it, what the hell? But I’m not way near your level. And me being me, I couldn’t leave it as ‘forget it’. Anyway, he really goes f****around other people’s territory and he gotta know that it is not taught in your text.

My Thoughts

I was sitting outside on a bench, thinking over life; the many small things that constitute life and the inconsistency of our thoughts…the moment was beautiful. A moment where I could just close my eyes and dream beautiful dreams.

Life without seriousness sometimes becomes like an undulating waves.

You really make things interesting. I say one thing, you say another…and everything just about negates everything. But like it as it is.

Maybe you deny your feeling finding them interrupting your principles.

The breathtaking scene of the sunset over the sea and the deep blueness of the sea itself, with a romantic song in my heart, and a sight frightfully romantic, I could feel nothing, think nothing and do nothing but miss you like never before.

Friendship, love, trust…these are some of the beautiful things in life. I have them because I have you. My love shall last so long as I do…and even beyond that. Love is forever.
Some say it…some think it. Some know it.

Extracts From Books and Others

He expected love to make life complete and had never expected that a relationship might be two difficult people trying to become one.

She thought guiltily about how being in love made you so committed; you couldn’t go with other people for long period of time cause, you missed the person you loved and knowing he missed you made you feel like a rat.

There were so many things going on in her tone that he couldn’t begin to think about it. If her words were glass and shattered on the floor, in a hundred pieces, each one would be an emotion.

It was sad to be by yourself on a sentimental night like this, especially when there was a man you cared about. Cared about….a man you loved? She really did care a lot about him; she wanted to protect him and cuddle with him and be with him, but was that real love? Love should be your heart turning over when you saw him, a melting feeling when you had sex, being willing to die for him if you had to.

She trusted him completely. Yet there was something missing in him, spaces she couldn’t figure out.

When she called as he promised, she started to cry. She cried because he was so good and faithful and kind and she didn’t deserve him.

Out of breath trying to call out and finding no voice. He could never run fast enough. His legs would ache and he would ache and he would sink to the floor, drawn inexorably down like someone with wasting disease.

You will never have any life at all if you are always protecting yourself against some future disappointment. Life is risk. Loving somebody makes you vulnerable. That is the way it is. But it also makes you feel alive. If you don’t make commitments, you will miss half the fun. Commitments can be broken. And people can die. A lot of things can happen. But you can’t hide because the sky might fall down. After all, suppose the sky doesn’t fall down? What a waste, huh?

If was good to make sacrifices. Worldly pleasures only weighed you down on your difficult travels through life. (From the novel “Mazes and Monster” by Roma Jaffe)

I’m aware that on the periphery of life unexplained events and hidden disasters occurred.

My frivolity is recurring distress to my children. My seriousness equally perturbs them; revealing as it so often does, the moral failures of prejudice or eliticism or laten authoritarianism.

I find it hard to respond with suitable modesty.

Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather
I need solitude as I need food and rest. And like eating and resting, solitude is most healing when it fits the rhythm of your needs, a rigid schedule alones does not nourish me. Solitude is perhaps a misnomer. To me, being alone means together – the recoming together of myself and nature, of myself and being; the reuniting of self with all other selves. Solitude especially means putting the parts of my mind back together, unifying the pieces of self scattered by anger and fear, until I can once again see that the little things are little and big things are big.

Sands of Time by Sidney Sheldon
It was a voice filled with longing and desire, a voice that sang of loneliness and despair, of lost loves and dead dreams.

Striking rather than beautiful. Voluptuous, full lips, and dark knowing eyes. If her face fell just short of being beautiful, her body more than made up for it.

Body of a woman that moved with sensuous promise.

Crowds can make one lonely. I always feel like an island in a sea of people.

I promise to make it up to you if it takes me a lifetime. I know that the only place I can find my happiness is at your side.

For the sake of the rest of our lives together, I beg your forgiveness.

I was not running to God. I was running away from the world.


The difference between a patriot and a rebel depended on who was in power at the moment.


To my surprise she goes without demur.

This conventional gesture of courtesy gives an odd twist by her nakedness.

It occurs to me that he is gazing at me with a flattering air of intimacy.

You are the whispers in the late, late nights, you are symphony in my sunsets, you are splendor and glory of the dawning of my life.

I will be the same guy when you wake up and look at me.

Even when you knew that there had been no choice at all, the human psyche quails before the reality of unnecessary death and punishes the survivor for being alive when his victim is not.

There is too much disorder in my world for me to come to an end of my wishes and I’m left with a vague unease which lasts throughout lunch.

Once events occur, they’re no longer unacceptable.

Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks
Don’t count her love for you. You look upon yourself and see how much you love her. The amount you love her is how much she loves you even.

I’m nothing special. Of that I’m sure. I’m a common man with a common thought and I have led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to my name and my name will soon be forgotten. But I have always loved another with all my heart and soul and to me this has always been enough.

Lady on the Burning Deck by Catherine Heath
Against all my expectations.
I grow lonelier as I grow older. People die. Children grow up; friends become more absorbed in their own increasing difficulties. Nora has learnt early to trust to affection. I cannot adapt. I understand her contempt. I dislike her but respect her.

I’m crying with a grief for a lost past; for despised tradition; for a dead man no longer valued. If I’ve to choose between the man who made my rosewood table and Marlene I’ll not choose Marlene.

I’m shocked not at her impending death, but at my own failure to be shocked, at my self-absorption, at my own intellectual reconsideration of the truth of general confession.

I feel murder already done in my heart and it would be a pity to have guilt without the deed.

My anger dissipated, my fury no longer threatening to ignite my world.

I’m grateful, for answering services do not evoke dutiful reverence. They’re purely expedient.

The moments I felt otherwise are the dreams of last night, no longer even frightening enough to hold the quality of nightmare. I am awake: new problems face me.

Roger’s simplicity of heart is admirable but inconvenient.

She betrays no distress. Her smile does not flicker.

A daughter with superficial responses. A promiscuous young woman with no heart.

I will keep these fragile moments unbroken.

I cherish these moments of feminine gossip.

It takes sometime for me to understand Caroline’s plans for they seem so natural to her that she sees no need to explain them.

Life doesn’t work like that. I’m not something in the Kinsey Report, you know, or part of the registrar-general’s statistics. It’s not something you need to be clever about.

I’m momentarily silenced by the childishness of the response.

It is sad to see even the nices of our young people so cynical about society.

As long as they’re happy and don’t hurt anyone…that is all I ask.

We’ve learnt to recognize our defences.

The phrase trips readily to my tongue.

Has she not noticed his streak of vulgarity? Perhaps I bring it out in him.

…as if the emotional demands made on them by their relationship were just such that they could fulfill without fear.

The whirlpools of moral paradox confuse me, swirl me round and engulf me. Drown me.

Nobody but me seems to think that there might be some point, something worthwhile to be saved from the wreck of life. I shall grow old and dried-up and lonely, and the children will say it is my fault: the craze for self-sacrifice, this deliberate and neurotic withdrawal from life, this narrow distrust of sensuality. And then friends are not so easily to be cast off. Nor can relationships so easily be altered.

For no one, in our long decline, so dusty, spiteful and divided had quite such pleasant friend as mine, or loved them half as much I did.

From RD
The most common mistake unfaithful spouses make is to get caught up in the fantasy of a paramour who seems flawless. Affairs are based on illusion and wishful thinking. The unfaithful spouse has a romanticized version of his lover. They’re living in a kind of bubble. That bubble will inevitably burst if the affair replaces the marriage.

Runners don’t race other runners. They race against themselves; to conquer their wills, to transcend their weaknesses, to beat back their nightmares. And while a runner cannot actually beat himself, he can beat his time.

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.

I had the greatest difficulty in restraining my tears of triumph when I saw him so happy.

If you ask me to give you what you never gave me, my gratitude and duty cannot do impossibilities.
Wanting to show your man your best side is only natural but giving him a chance to love the rest of you is what true love is all about. Your man should love you as you are and if he doesn’t, then that makes him the loser, not you.

It is better to have a broken heart now than nurse one forever.

There is something about spiritual people – an aura of peace.

I was by nature blind to the faults of elders. I’d learnt to carry out the orders of elders, not to scan their actions.

Man of truth must also be a man of care.
I was silenced but not comforted.

Morality is the basis of things and truth is the substance of all morality.

Today well-lived makes every tomorrow a vision of hope and every yesterday a dream of happiness.

We didn’t make it this far because it was easy.
Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon and men seem wise and brave which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.

A chronic lack of pleasure, of any enjoyable, rewarding or stimulating experiences produces a slow, gradual day-by-day erosion of man’s emotional vitality, which he may ignore or repress, but which is recorded by the relentless computer of his subconscious mechanism that registers an ebbing flow, then a trickle, then a few last drops of fuel until the day when his inner motor stops and he wonders desperately why he has no desire to go on, unable to find any definable cause of his hopeless, chronic sense of exhaustion.

Beyond the Sky and the Earth
Here again is the mind, leaping from emotion to speech without reflection.

I don’t know where to draw line between cultural sensitivity and plain old cowardice.

There is an intensity about him that I find very attractive.

He is unsettlingly good-looking.

The burden of keeping silent is killing me

I want a love that lives in the plain light of day.


Snatches of Sentences
In curt but not menacing voice
Sexy in a trite-looking way
One vice for another
On my way back to you
Want to belong
Proffering invitation
I’m not at my brightest at this hour
Irritating interruption to routine
Greeted with a bland coldness

Breakfast at McDonald's

My Note: Following is a very beautiful story forwarded to me by one of my friends. I couldn't help but cry. I could feel the depth of love that woman showed to those men. I could feel what real heart of a human is. And what we can do to make someone's day in a simple way. We don't have to be very rich or influential but we can as we are, make someone happy just as we are.
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way throughuntil the end!
(After the story, there are some very interestingfacts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed mycollege degree.The last class I had to take was Sociology.The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wishevery human being had been graced with.Her last project of the term was called, "Smile." The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and documenttheir reactions.I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say helloanyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a suddeneveryone around us began to back away, and theneven my husband did.I did not move an inch...an overwhelming feeling of panic welled upinside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and therestanding behind me were two poor homeless men.As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched foracceptance.He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. Irealized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyedgentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford.(If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buysomething. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached outand embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me,judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two morebreakfast meals on a separate tray.I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this foryou. God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son.
When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me,Honey, to give me hope."We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only becauseof the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers.That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student. I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE. Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE. There is an Angel sent to watch over you. An Angel wrote:Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friendswill leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head.To handle others, use your heart.
God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Dreaming away the moments

Back to the class. My strength seems to slip away. The enthusiasm seems to falter. As I sit here, good reasons fail to make me believe. The inspirations fail to inspire. I find no use whatsoever to sit here and pretend.


As I sat comfortably, letting out my breath…I felt a calm flow of energy within me. I didn’t know what was really happening but I was perfectly happy and I wanted it to last for a long time.

In the midst of laughter and fun I stood back in total surprise. What were we doing? I thought we were wasting our time like that. I knew then that it wasn’t the way to live life. It was either to be true in our heart or risk our whole being.


I was walking by the street when I saw a cat passing the road. Suddenly a car swooped over out of nowhere and killed the cat! Do you think a notion of getting killed passed over in its mind? It wouldn’t have (like anyone of us) thought of dying that instant but it did. We bask our life in an enchanted pool of unceasing desire. Our life is uncertain as that cat’s life and it is a wonder that we could dare to risk it.

Did you ever in a while think of your death? What thought do you get when you hear someone’s death? Does it ring a bell? Does it reflect something of your life too? It is like sitting on the edge of a stiff cliff without any thoughts or fear of falling over it. Do you think you can sit there calmly? Sit there calmly? I’m sure you will find a way to get away from there or at least try finding a way to prevent from falling down. We are in much greater danger and yet, we never try to do anything about it. Don’t you wonder why? Do you think you can avoid death? Or bribe it somehow? Oh man, no we have no way to get away from it. We can only be true in our heart.


The gift of nature…if we can really find time to look closer, you will see how beautiful they are. The sun, the moon, the trees, the butterflies…the beautiful rivers and seas….everything.

Friendship is something you can’t put at stake. You live and make sacrifices but you don’t just throw friendship into fire.

Why bother him? It may not be ridiculous to him. If he wants to do this, he has the right to.

It is hard to understand how some people can be so self-centered. I mean kind of a narcissist. They cannot just hold that what is good to them may not be of the same value to others.


I was standing all alone and the world stared at me. I felt so lost. I was blank. But as I kept walking I reached a beautiful meadow with a stream flowing by its side. As I sat down, closed my eyes and let beauty sink in, I felt peace dawning on me like the first sunrays of the dawn. I felt all my worries slipping away from me.


I looked at the open door on an impulse and caught an eye of a passerby. He was all smile…such a happy face! I felt a flippant rush of guilt for not taking life seriously. I realized life is not worth mourning for. It is short and we must enjoy within that limit.

Struggle of your conscience and reason; dilemmas as to whether you should give in to your pride or be humble; whether to act yourself with grace of importance of bow low.

Never judge the other person from your viewpoint. It may be wrong because you haven’t gone through what he has and you don’t know what he is suffering from even to judge.

People gathered around me and as they stared at me I couldn’t hold their gaze. Am I a coward?


I say that I’m living…and I ask again if I am. I realize that it is not just mere survival, mere existence in this world. We aren’t really living if we aren’t serving the purpose of our being here.

It was just one magic glance and answer came in a rush.

If you can’t practice what you preach, don’t preach. You don’t have to show anyone that you know everything.

I sat there like a helpless child craving for mother’s love. I saw nothing but a bleak future. As the darkness loomed over me, I was drowned in limitless sorrow.

An innocent child sat by the roadside begging, hoping for a penny some kind heart would drop in her bowl. But she had pain written all over her face. I couldn’t wonder what made her suffer such big afflictions. What karma! What burden! What ironic fate. How could the world be so cruel not to spare the innocence to last with its beauty?

As I sat by the ocean, listening to the soft murmur of its waves, I couldn’t help wishing I could lie there forever. It was enchanting and beyond earthly existence. The feeling was more of joyful happiness than of loneliness.



Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her…I tried to hold her but it was a vain hope. It was but a dream. It was a tragedy for she was never there.

It was more of happiness than sorrow. More of joy than pain. More of love than hatred. More of light than darkness. More of understanding than ignorance. It was more of many good things.

I thought life was just that – the sheer passing of days. But a pang of regret tightened my heart for not looking deeper.

A person crazed over life can’t see beyond himself.

I don’t forget my friends. The nice things they are. Even if they turn away from me and hate me, the good things they have done always remain good. It doesn’t change. Make the little time with your friends beautiful. If they leave, you will still have those beautiful moments.

Forgiving someone isn’t letting him be. It isn’t trying to forget what someone did to you. It means trying not to mind what someone did to you.


History clings on with the present but the person changes. He no longer remains the same. If he makes a mistake, he doesn’t forget it like that. He learns from it and becomes a better person.


You make a mistake and people remember you. If you do a good thing your name last only for a moment on people’s lips. Even if it becomes a history, it doesn’t vanish. Sometimes its weight is more than you can hold. Sometimes it destroys even the dreams you once had. But it cannot destroy your inner self.

He wasn’t near but I felt him.

“Knew more; understood less. Gained skills, not wisdom.”

She buried her face in her fragile hands and cried. No one knew what was wrong. She didn’t speak.


You cannot hate a person you once liked. Love can’t let you hate or even forget him. You can’t just pretend; truth cannot be denied. Love and hatred are two different entities.

Some strong person survive through the hard times. But the really emotionally weak people find drugs as their means because that is the only means he can grasp. They can lie high up in air forgetting the truth for a while but the reality is harder. Harder and more painful. They then get killed by the force of the original suffering and self hatred and regret.

Everyone carries his own worth. You can’t take him for granted.

Not many people like to be cared. They feel they are being bothered.

I didn’t want to live with the seemingly OK reasons.

I can stand it. I have been through more.

Me and The World

Doing Things the Way I want

I want to do things I want to do in the in the way I want to do. I care but little about what others think. To me what matters is what I’m gonna learn in the process and not the stagnant result that would yield but a momentary joy.

My Character
The flippancy of my mind could be attributed to the very nature of myself. It is not something I’ve got to do with. If people don’t understand me, what have I got to do with it? I can only be myself. The way I’m.

I can be talking to a group of people like I’m one crazy idiot. But there always is something more inside. That good, loving, gentle heart. No one is bad in himself. I talk because I feel I need to. It is a pleasure and no hard task.

Extracts

To train yourself to be an efficient human being, you must first prove it in the work you are dong that you can do the best.

What the eye doesn’t see and the mind doesn’t know, doesn’t exist
~from the book “Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence

This was one of the fleeting patterns in the mirror.

She was too feminine to be quite smart.

Pushed his way by sheer instinct.

It’s like the weather…the sort that will have to be…for the time being.

To take notice of other’s privy.

It is utterly senseless and pointless; a matter of misplaced curiosity.

Everything hinges on the instinct for success. That’s the pivot on which all things turn.

It is great fun to have him reveal his mind to you than have him kiss you.

If to love someone is a crime, I won’t attempt it.

To love someone is to feel no difference between two people. It means to remain one.

Conversation

From Jimy
An unexamined life is not worth living.

Greater task requires greater plans and thoughts.

A decision of life cannot be bartered within seconds. Love is painful…love hurts. Gladdened am I that friendship doesn’t.

“FAINT HEART NEVER WON A FAIR LADY”



Kavita: You know you can spend so much only when you love the person. It is not that money is so important. But you see, money is for us and we are not for money.

Brother Tshering:
No matter what, you should never forget the purpose you are here.

Buddhism

Buddhism

Taking refuge in Buddha – being awakened and not deluded.
Taking refuge in Dharma – having proper viewpoints
Taking refuge in the Sangha – being pure and not polluted.

One should not rely upon the person of the master but rather rely upon the teaching, the substance of his or her teaching, the message of the Buddha.
~Buddha

Many who are indifferent to any form of spiritual practice are materially well off in some developed countries, but even then they’re completely unsatisfied. Although they are affluent they are not content. They suffer the anguish of wanting more, so that although they are materially wealthy, they are mentally poor.
~H.H. Dalai Lama

Whether I’m exalted or condemned, I will still be the ordinary Buddhist monk and I find it very comfortable. People call me the Bodhisattva of compassion, Avalokiteshvara, but that does not make me Avalokiteshvara. The Chinese call me a wolf wearing a yellow robe, but that doesn’t make me less of a human being or more of a wolf. I just remain an ordinary monk.
~H.H. Dalai Lama

Whether you become a monk or not is a matter of personal choice, but after having chosen to lead the life of a monk or a nun, it is naturally better not to be disgrace to the doctrine. Otherwise, not only is it bad for you, it also causes other people to lose their faith and unnecessarily accumulate non-virtues.
~H.H. Dalai Lama

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Instant Reflection

Life is a journey.
We begin life with a step and the beauty of it lies in the people you meet and the fun you have with them

I was lying on a bed (in the hospital) when I came back…I looked around in wide eyes…he was sitting beside my bed. God knows for how long! I fell back into another long hours of drowsiness and unconsciousness as I felt him holding my hands. I was happy that he was there with me. Friends – aren’t they beautiful? They are there with you no matter what.


Life is not always beautiful but the few beautiful moments are too remarkable to forget…and it all centers on our friends. Without friends life would be a darn hell…you agree with me? I know you do. Who loves to be alone and lonely?

Friendship bridges two hearts into a harmonic rhythm of their beat such that they can feel exactly the same. Friendship flowers but never dies.

I accept equally the love and pain, the joy and suffering, the truth and faults, the guilt and remorse…life is not always as you expect. Life is not a bed of roses. I take pricking of thorns as part of life too. I won't run away from life – I would live through it and survive. The beautiful part of life when you look back is the hardest difficulty that you’ve overcome, the biggest tragedy that you have faced and the greatest thing you could do about them; not running away from it and hiding away from the sensors of reality.

“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.” If I didn’t have something to face and learn, my life would have been without savor.

The world and me: I’ll have my own way and they will have theirs. They will say that is not and I won’t listen. No one knows who is correct and the suspense lies…but the one powerful almighty sees the truth. Truth shall remain the truth and I shall go on doing what I know is true. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t reconcile with what the majority think.

At the most poignant situation, you are my beacon of hope. You have proved to be a very true friend.

When you love someone, you trust him so much that you share everything – secrets of hearts to the desire of passion. That’s the secret of love and beauty of being one.

When a person gives you so much of sweet words, watch her face. If she is trying to steer you and encourage you with your plans, she is trying to dig information. Turn your back and you will hear what she has to say. She would have become a hypocrite – a kind of a traitor. She burns your trust.

Love is staunch affection that never looks for smoothness of time and circumstances. It understands and accepts.


We are no god or some super human. And I’m just some girl. When someone’s expectation is so high, we just can’t live up to it.

Our life is like novel and movies…they are creation of human mind and we are creation of ourselves.

I appreciate their hard work and determination but I don’t envy them. If I were like them, I could never have been what I am.

A person can’t deliver himself to you at your convenience. So be happy if at all he turns up

Don’t call everyone a flirt. Differentiate the degree of involvement.

Love him for what he is. Do not wish he were someone perfect or better so that you could love him more. If you haven’t learnt to love, there is no one called perfect to fit your prototype.

If a person has the right to act cold to you, you’ve the right to let her be.

Don’t be surprised when someone asks you out-of-way questions. I do that too and when I do, I have reasons to ask and rights to know.

Life just doesn’t center around one person. So don’t always expect others to do everything for you. Do something for others too.

It is not always you meet a nice friend. When I met my friends in Vellore, I couldn’t call myself more lucky.

Beneath the exterior, people are people and those who dare can take the risk to care…and it is truly special.

Words given and promises made are sealed forever. You don’t break them to become a fool.

I can smile off the blues when you are down. I can make you laugh when you are on the verge to break down.

I call spade a spade. So when someone says something, I take it that he means it.

Reciting something written down as prayers ain’t called prayers. I call that good wishes you hold for someone a prayer.

There is nothing like someone is too good for you or you are not good enough for him. It is always mutual…

I live moment by moment…and if it later turns out that it’s no longer how we felt, it will still be okay for, we felt it then.

I’m here in my bed…eyes barely open, music in my heart…feeling alive in the dead world, thankful that I’m living.

To dig your nose into anything so far is too dangerous a risk.

At such a silent hour, though I can’t feel the move, I know the world is not still…I get an eerie feeling that I’m living when so many are not. (Referring to the dead hour of the night when I was awake with so many thoughts)

If we are to be young forever; if we are never to grow old, there will be no charm to be young.

It’s become so reflexive now…whatever I do, I find myself thinking on the futility of it. The unrealistic reality, the deceptive phase of life and virtual visions of materials and objects.

Sometimes it is better to act deaf and dumb than try to pull through with the facts and reasons.

I may be anyone to the eyes of others but I’m me to those who can see me.

With true love you feel an inner lamination of beauty and joy; you sense a unity of oneness, merging of two souls. You feel an intuitive connection of hearts and feelings and unnamed unity of instincts and spirituality.

As life flies off, I cling to the credit card of life…I tell myself to wait because there has to be another time. But sadly, inevitably it slips out of my hand. “Next time I can try,” I optimize but next time goes away to another next time.

If love were to scar me, it couldn’t. I would be happy love happened, even if for a moment.

Some questions in life have no answers and some deeds, though you know is right cannot be explained its nature of righteousness.

When you know you have things to do and responsibilities to shoulder and yet procrastinate, the time itself tightens your neck and you find yourself drowning in unhappiness.

When you don’t do what you should, you just can’t be at peace. Doing what you want gives pleasure but doing what you should gives peace.

When you are responsible for something and you have failed to see that or simply ignored you will find yourself eaten up by that something and you will be doomed so low.

If you know how to speak, make sure you know how to act too. when your action doesn’t fit the definition of your words, you become a liar, a hypocrite, and an untrustworthy person.

What do you call that? It follows you like a shadow…you can’t shed it and you can’t even understand it. It’s there in your eyes, in your voice and in everything you do, giving a shade of unnatural sadness and blue. You can’t sit peacefully. You can’t talk without pain. You are followed by this shade forever and in its clutch you cry.

You expect something so much and when it never comes you become frail with depression and riddled with thoughts of curse and sorrow. Why can’t your expectation be true?

You play with your life to an extent of destroying the lucidity of its nature and you pay your frivolity with a price of your own blood.

In life we meet lot of people but make friends with few. Few of them touch our life in such a way that their presence is felt even in their absence.

No one is a bad person. I understand you more than you think I do. A man speaks sour not because he is so, but because he is forced to.

I wouldn’t pose a price like that on the expense of others…

I know, the way I live is not soothing, nor neat. Neither suitable nor beautiful. But I don’t like people making a leap at something without knowing the core.

Dreams can come true. I live a day everyday.

Friendship is no big time favor, nor a courteous duty but a gift. Not a small hurt, nor a big one can shatter it.

Small Differences

There were times when my thoughts just wouldn’t go along with some people. “Mark here, I ain’t trying to blame anyone…it is just that, at that moment and still, for a person like me I had not been blessed enough to think any divine. I accepted the fact…I just couldn’t understand you trying to take around some false truth. I don’t lose my temper easily, unless a person really climbs up my sleeve. I can get it back even then.

You call someone name, call it. I remain me, even if you call me thousand names.

I hate hypocrites. If you wanna say something, say it right out.

Don’t point fingers at my life. I live it and no one tells me how.

Just like that. I’ve many reasons and believe me it is good for both of us.

Sorry for all the distrust caused and the falsity created.


I think I understand what you are feeling but I’m scared to understand more. It will be a mischief to do something amiss and amiss will be everything that involves us. Let’s not make it tough. It doesn’t mean you cannot love someone you can’t hold. You can still hold her in your heart – and that is where you keep someone you love truly. Love is not possession. Love is not touch. Love is not just a feeling. Love is not just care. Love is not just kindness. Love is not just attraction. It is something that surpasses human description. Love can’t torture you. Love can only be what love is. And you can love even things you cannot touch or hold.

Abrupt cut of the phone line only gave me more of why’s and what’s and less answers.

Spoken Love

I love you because I can’t hate you. I can’t hate you because there is nothing in you that I don’t admire. I admire you because you are an integrity of honesty and love.

It is wonderful to love you but torture-some to miss you. I have never fallen in love with anyone this way!

When you love someone you feel too wonderful. Even missing that person is a beautiful feeling that you wish you could engrave the feeling forever.

Love is a beautiful feeling you feel for another person. Love is like a hand that mother reaches out for her child when the child wants the heart to rest his tired soul on.

I miss you because I can’t live without you. I miss you because I love you so much. I miss you because I feel so empty without you.

Without you it is just an emptiness of void....a rest of pain…thoughts of loneliness and life without a soul.

Without you, I would never want to see the sun shine, the wind blow, the stars twinkle. And I know without you, I would never be what I’m.

Sweet dreams…if I were an angel, if I had the power of magic, I’d come there right at this moment and love you, for you are mine and are truly special.

I can love you like that…I can hold you to my heart and make you feel how much I love you.

Love was the warmth that filled my heart. It was the comfort I found in the circle of his embrace. (Luzee)

That is how sweet I find you. There is no parameter to describe you. I feel it. And when I feel it, it is beautiful…something like a feathery touch. A sweet sensation.

You are the joy of my life. You are more than a life to me.

If to live were to love you and be with you, I would wish to live forever
He swooped with power, talked with dignity and moved with a reason.

You helped me walk through the darkest hours; you pulled me up from the swamp of mess. You made me smile through tears; you made me see the beauty of life.

I appreciate what you do. I trust what you say. And I love you for what you are. I even get surprised to realize that there exists a man, a person so unique and truly made in this world. I can never forget you.

I don’t make you feel good, or happy. You do because you know our love.

Missing him has become a part of my day to day activities. It is not so unusual. I think of him and I feel good because I know he is there thinking of me too.

You love me because I love you.
We love each other because we are meant for each other.

Even if there was no tomorrow, I would be happy just to have you. You are all I need.

I would give the world everything I have to be with you tonight. Think of me and I will be there.

When I can trust myself to trust you, why can’t you trust yourself to trust me?

You are all I need because you are the world to me.

To hear what’s unspoken, to see what’s unseen, to feel without touching is the miracle of love.

You’ve made me see the things I didn’t see before...made me hear the unspoken whispers of love and made me feel the tantalizing sensuals of love.

Snatchers of Conversations with my Friends

To J.D.:
You are right that life is an endless journey. But if life were to be an idle sitting, we would all have died of boredom. I like life being a journey. I like life being a series of birth and death. I like life being a mixture of joy and sorrow
I like life being a world of friends and family. I like life as it is.

SMS to a friend:
I’ve never for a moment wished I were someone or were like them. I like myself being myself and I’m happy my way.

To cheku;
I know you are full of humor…but in you being serious for a moment won’t lose its charms. Because what you have in inborn is never lost or destroyed.

To my nephew:
Life is not just about the zing of being big and having fun; it is about how much you can realize the truth. Be a good person. Just be the human you are.

To Kinley Gyelmo:
Friends once were friends now. Friendship passes the test of time. I miss you and I wish I could catch you up right now and have a good time once again.

I get a gnawing sensation of sadness dawning on my heart to think I’m yet here again to part from you.

From Keli: Believe your enemy rather than an untrustworthy friend or a lover.
Me: If your lover cheats you, you don’t cheat back. You talk it through and make up the mistake.
Keli: It hurts when you love someone and that someone cheats you.
Me to Keli: Friend is a friend and they are with you and they don’t make choice of circumstances.

I wasn’t raised to be ambitious and violent. I wasn’t taught to be what I’m not. I only want to be the humble human my parents taught me to be. I just want to live and die happy and to me, wealth is not happiness.

From Leki:
Yeah, I’ve learnt that we need to give sometime for love to grow. You become a different person then and he is the center of your life. Give a chance for your heart to analyze.

To Nyonba: Thanks a lot for coming to meet me; for taking all the effort and making up despite all the insoluble circumstances you were facing. And thanks too for making me a fool. I guess, it was all too wise of you. A harmless creature I’m, I’m thinking what‘d have caused you so much pain not to tell me what you could tell any other person. But I’m grateful you are my friend. I felt a little under some kind of tricks – I still do. I’ve no man to trust. But I’ve myself and myself, I believe in. if I’ve nothing else, I’ve faith. That is all I need to live.

From Nyonba: Forget it. God send me here, this life, maybe to accept things as they are, to forgive, to help, to reconcile and much more.


If you think it is gonna be too difficult for you, you can at least tell me why, even if in a vague way.

You need not trust me in such big sense that you put your soul on what you mean trust.

No, it is not like that. I prefer people speaking directly. Even if I get hurt, I get hurt only to a certain extent and I can accept it. But when you hear things behind, it stings.

I may not call what I did so far my achievement but I wouldn’t be what I’m without them.

You can’t help not being with even those people who sting because you can’t help not to be yourself.

It is really peaceful at this hour and I wish you were with me to walk this beautiful silence.

You won’t feel the magnitude of what I went through a few moments ago. You would understand only if you were involved or else can’t know how it feels to be blamed for something you never thought in your wildest dreams.

You are a friend I can’t choose to forget. You are a friend I will have in my heart forever.

It became the nightmare of my life and I hated the life itself.
I feel like I’m helplessly lying under the stamp of the world I woke up and found I still had a lingering sadness in my heart. I felt condemned. The fault was with me not with the people. I can’t change them but I can change me.

SMS (Forwards)



If love hurts, then love some more. If love hurts some more, then love even more. If love hurts even more…then love till it hurts no more.
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Some things are left undone, some words are left unsaid, some feelings are left unexpressed. But someone as nice as you could never be left unmissed.
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When nights are long & friends are few, I sit by my window and think of you….A silent whisper, a silent tear…with all my heart, I wish you were here.
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Every little smile can touch somebody’s heart. May you find hundred of reasons to smile today and may you be the reason for someone to smile always.
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If you don’t have a reason that is important enough to die for, you don’t have a reason that is important enough to live for.
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In my life I learned how to love, smile, be happy, be strong, work hard, be honest, to forgive, but I couldn’t learn how to stop missing you.
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One day you will ask me what is more important to me, you or my life. I’ll say my life and you will walk away not even knowing that friends like you are my life.
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Happiness keeps you sweet. Trials keep you strong. Sorrows keep you human. Failures keep you humble. Success keeps you glowing. And god keeps you going.
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A person of real beauty smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress and grows brave by reflection and prayers.
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In life, love is never planned nor does it happen for a reason, but when love is real it becomes your plan for life and reason for living.
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A cloudy day, a gloomy face, a darkened heart. You keep coming in my mind…I’m thinking….I’m thinking, it cannot be that you are away, far unreachable.
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Good friends are for each other, close friends understand each other and true friends stay forever, beyond words, beyond time and distance.
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The virtue of true love is not finding the perfect person, but loving the imperfect person perfectly. Love doesn’t have a happy ending because it simply doesn’t end.
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Some joys are better expressed in silence, as a smile holds more meaning than a laughter. I was asked if I enjoyed meeting you in my life…I just smiled.
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Friendship is a little more trust, a little less try, a little more laugh, a little less cry, and a little more we and little less I. friendship is simply you and I.
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Forgetting you is hard to do, forgetting me is up to you! Forget me not, forget me never and you will have a friend forever.
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Dive into my eyes and you will find an ocean of love and in it a boat of friendship waiting for you for a nonstop journey into the core of my heart.
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What is great love? It is when you hide tears and still care for her. It is when she ignores you and you still love her. It is when she begins to love another and you still smile.
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Love: easy to say, difficult to stay. Beautiful to feel, difficult to deal. Difficult is a part of life, that is the reason why a girlfriend is never a wife.
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Destiny decides who you meet in life but it is your heart that decides who gets to stay in your life.
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Someday when the page on the book of my life runs out, I know, you will be the most colorful chapter I ever had. If it will be opened again, will start it on the page when I met you.
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Conversation with My Husband

I feel an overwhelming sadness casting a darker shadow over my heart. I would better let you know that I’m alive when I’m…now, do I talk like I’m not gonna see tomorrow? That is how I feel. (I would often think of death in the sudden dark still night and feel like death wasn’t far)
You be with a person and do everything together…you get so used to being with him that you just don’t know what to do without him. And you can’t help but miss him.

You know when two people are in love, their hearts beat as one and they feel the same. I’m happy that it is happening to us.

To you I give what I’m and not what I’m not. Not more, not less but true me.

You see what I’m. I’ve no hidden vice or nasty tricks. With what I’m, you are but, a part of me.

You are not sure because you don’t trust me…you don’t trust me because you don’t trust yourself. You don’t trust yourself because you are not sure of what you say or do. All I can say is that I trust myself to trusting you and loving you with all my heart.

…..I was looking into the eyes of the man I was to love all my life.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I Don’t Know Me


The world revolves round…the scientists have proved but it is not seen. We, none of us have ever seen. But we believe that it’s true. And I guess, even now, as I sit here writing this down, the world is revolving round. It doesn’t heed what I do or where I am. I have wondered over the phenomenon of the very survival of our being and I still do…but somehow I can’t think further. World seems a mystery to me. I don’t even know myself. Just a small heap of flesh in the gigantic world.

I have now seen this world for twenty long years…enough to have made me see what I really am or who I really am. But it’s too sad to note that I haven’t been lucky enough to succeed there. Like everyone else, I go on with the world. We say we are living. Life itself is an automaton. A mechanical doorway.

As the chores of life go on, I meet people. Beings like me. They, I am sure are mystified as much as me. I see them, shake hands, and to them I’m (my name). But even as I utter that, my supposed name, I get a click of some doubt. It’s just a label…a name given to me, so that I’m identified from the rest. It’s a physical address by which others can recognize me. We never know what’s beyond that. The person. The very person that’s inside.

I feel myself so lucky to have born in a Buddhist country cuz I wonder if I’d ever have become one otherwise. At least me being a Buddhist and one who believes in the core of its meaning, I could learn the complexity of our being – if nothing more. There is that law of ‘cause and effect’; the birth and dying. I was once driven into a frenzy of overwhelming thoughts which made me lose interest in my work. I didn’t and still I don’t find any meaning in it. Even as I sit in the class listening to lectures and doing experiments, I keep thinking what I am doing here, when, all we have got to know is completely ignored. People like us!! When we don’t even know ourselves, how our body functions, what death and living are, we jump so far and assume so much, trying to learn something that is not even necessary. You know, I can’t help wondering. I really can’t. the instant you read this, I know the instantaneous question that pop up in your mind will be, why I can’t simply pursue spiritualism. We can think; and I can. But to really come into action is a task far harder than you can actually think. I’ve been asking over and again, why I can’t leave everything. Simply. And move ahead to where I ought to be. I even cried. I felt like I was watched. I felt the need so much – the need to understand myself. I want to know myself. I gaze point-blank at this urge. As our human minds are under continuous process of change, I do forget after a while. But the after-effect is stronger. It never really leaves me.

Once last year, I really was so sure that I would leave everything – I tell you, I didn’t find anything worthy in the material I was studying. There was no substance. As thoughts flow in my mind, I see my parents. I owe them the world. I am thinking that, if I do what I want to, it’d come like a thunderous blow to them. It would shatter their dreams. Because, they never said they wanted me to study spiritualism. I think again and I tell myself that it will make them unhappy only once. If I can leave the stupid study of science behind….as the time passes and I come to know the meaning of life, I will be able to do them good in a larger while. I can give them happiness and peace forever. But next instant, I find myself where I was. I wake up in the same place. I find myself doing a short prayer, carrying my books and hurrying to class! But I’m as good as I am absent. I feel sorry to see a great number of people sitting there who have never even thought of death. As this thought of death strikes, I grow grim. I fear I’m getting late. What if death gets to me before I even start my dream?

Since I found that I could never leave this course for some reasons like, “Dreams of my parents and the government”, I thought its better I bury them for a wile. I tried acting ignorant. I didn’t let myself confront me. I said, “Finish what you have started.” But my interest in studies couldn’t be revived or I think its better I admit that I was never there. Now, I go out with my friends, I laugh with them and pretend to have fun. I talk all the nonsense like sex and love and they enjoy. But they do not know what is running in my mind. If you can’t be where you want to be, you have to try being happy where you are. People at large are carried away by these futility at large anyway. If I talk my mind, I’m sure they won’t understand. You’ll find me jolly but deep inside, there is always this ache, the lure to know myself. I can’t understand me.

This moment I will be philosophically tuned. Next instant I’m a literal flirt. I cry and I laugh. I’ll tell you this: I didn’t even believe in love – like, I thought there never was love – I mean love between a man and a woman – this common love people get carried away by. With my friends, I so bubbly talk and laugh, but back in my room, I pray and there I encounter them again. I can neither start, nor leave. I’m lying nowhere and I’m no one.

I pray and seek answers everyday. But I don’t know me.

I Don’t Know Me


The world revolves round…the scientists have proved but it is not seen. We, none of us have ever seen. But we believe that it’s true. And I guess, even now, as I sit here writing this down, the world is revolving round. It doesn’t heed what I do or where I am. I have wondered over the phenomenon of the very survival of our being and I still do…but somehow I can’t think further. World seems a mystery to me. I don’t even know myself. Just a small heap of flesh in the gigantic world.

I have now seen this world for twenty long years…enough to have made me see what I really am or who I really am. But it’s too sad to note that I haven’t been lucky enough to succeed there. Like everyone else, I go on with the world. We say we are living. Life itself is an automaton. A mechanical doorway.

As the chores of life go on, I meet people. Beings like me. They, I am sure are mystified as much as me. I see them, shake hands, and to them I’m (my name). But even as I utter that, my supposed name, I get a click of some doubt. It’s just a label…a name given to me, so that I’m identified from the rest. It’s a physical address by which others can recognize me. We never know what’s beyond that. The person. The very person that’s inside.

I feel myself so lucky to have born in a Buddhist country cuz I wonder if I’d ever have become one otherwise. At least me being a Buddhist and one who believes in the core of its meaning, I could learn the complexity of our being – if nothing more. There is that law of ‘cause and effect’; the birth and dying. I was once driven into a frenzy of overwhelming thoughts which made me lose interest in my work. I didn’t and still I don’t find any meaning in it. Even as I sit in the class listening to lectures and doing experiments, I keep thinking what I am doing here, when, all we have got to know is completely ignored. People like us!! When we don’t even know ourselves, how our body functions, what death and living are, we jump so far and assume so much, trying to learn something that is not even necessary. You know, I can’t help wondering. I really can’t. the instant you read this, I know the instantaneous question that pop up in your mind will be, why I can’t simply pursue spiritualism. We can think; and I can. But to really come into action is a task far harder than you can actually think. I’ve been asking over and again, why I can’t leave everything. Simply. And move ahead to where I ought to be. I even cried. I felt like I was watched. I felt the need so much – the need to understand myself. I want to know myself. I gaze point-blank at this urge. As our human minds are under continuous process of change, I do forget after a while. But the after-effect is stronger. It never really leaves me.

Once last year, I really was so sure that I would leave everything – I tell you, I didn’t find anything worthy in the material I was studying. There was no substance. As thoughts flow in my mind, I see my parents. I owe them the world. I am thinking that, if I do what I want to, it’d come like a thunderous blow to them. It would shatter their dreams. Because, they never said they wanted me to study spiritualism. I think again and I tell myself that it will make them unhappy only once. If I can leave the stupid study of science behind….as the time passes and I come to know the meaning of life, I will be able to do them good in a larger while. I can give them happiness and peace forever. But next instant, I find myself where I was. I wake up in the same place. I find myself doing a short prayer, carrying my books and hurrying to class! But I’m as good as I am absent. I feel sorry to see a great number of people sitting there who have never even thought of death. As this thought of death strikes, I grow grim. I fear I’m getting late. What if death gets to me before I even start my dream?

Since I found that I could never leave this course for some reasons like, “Dreams of my parents and the government”, I thought its better I bury them for a while. I tried acting ignorant. I didn’t let myself confront me. I said, “Finish what you have started.” But my interest in studies couldn’t be revived or I think its better I admit that I was never there. Now, I go out with my friends, I laugh with them and pretend to have fun. I talk all the nonsense like sex and love and they enjoy. But they do not know what is running in my mind. If you can’t be where you want to be, you have to try being happy where you are. People at large are carried away by these futility at large anyway. If I talk my mind, I’m sure they won’t understand. You’ll find me jolly but deep inside, there is always this ache, the lure to know myself. I can’t understand me.

This moment I will be philosophically tuned. Next instant I’m a literal flirt. I cry and I laugh. I’ll tell you this: I didn’t even believe in love – like, I thought there never was love – I mean love between a man and a woman – this common love people get carried away by. With my friends, I so bubbly talk and laugh, but back in my room, I pray and there I encounter them again. I can neither start, nor leave. I’m lying nowhere and I’m no one.

I pray and seek answers everyday. But I don’t know me.