Letters

Letter to Raju (8th September, 2002)
I was going through my diary and the memories came in a flash – the good times we had. I wanted to let you know that the good times I had with you will always be cherished, no matter what. You are a dear friend I can never forget. You are good in your own way and you have your own ways of making people feel so special of you. I will never forget the good friend you are to me.

You must have wondered at the silence that grew at large between us friends, or didn’t you? You were never out of my mind though. Of course your friendship itself is more than I can ask for. True friendship makes life a wondrous beauty and your friendship did in mine. Your friendship has filled my life with bright dreams and my days with happy memories. And your friendship shall remain as a gift in my life forever.

Just remember, even when I am far away and silent, you are always thought of with the fondest thoughts and remembered in loving ways and you are missed so much. Thank you so much for being my friend.

To my friend Jimy
29th September, 2002
My one fear is the uncertainty of future. If I go for it (relationship), what happens next? Will I be faithful to my previous move and decision? Will my thoughts never change? Sometimes, as the time runs, things that seemed right become wrong. You cannot really give a total twist to your fate and destiny. It plays its own hand in the affairs of life. If we choose one path, it either hinders it or steers it more. If the choice becomes a poison, either one of the party will get hurt. I can’t run that risk. You end up being in an unforgivable state. Only if we know it is wrong can we avoid it. But if we don’t run the risk, if we don’t take up the choice, if we don’t feel it, how would we know if it couldn’t be right? That is the greatest dilemma. The solution may be, you choose what you think is right. It may not always be right and it need not always be right. To err is human.

Thinking Over – A letter to Sonam Chogyel (l 6th October, 2002 )
If I am to think well, all those past years were worth in making me know them as worthless. They did teach me to know them as worthless. They did teach me to differentiate between the worst and the best. The only thing left is for me to choose one of them. At this stage, I think, we do face a tough lot of questions we cannot answer ourselves. Majority of us overlook them or ignore them, only to find ourselves beaten by a harsh fact. People indulge in some "artificial, external means like drugs to substitute the vacuum of emotionally right answers." We deny the right to ourselves. We are all too scared of the stark truth that would confirm a "different principle to what our intellectual can understand." I am all confused. I am intellectually crippled. I stand at an edge of a path where I can either choose to climb the uphill of truth or fall. I just have one notion: I want to die by doing it right and I shall do the world good. I shall die a satisfied man. I don’t want to let my soul wander in an unceasing search of unattainable peace. For now, I can only live straight, be myself and claim no false result. And I shall be only satisfied if I did something constructive and helpful to the mankind. To be frank, I am just not yet ready to die. The fear that I might have to go even before touching a leaf of my dreams and aspirations is lurking inside with a looming shadow. I sometime feel like a helpless cripple between the "conflict of instinct and reason" – I feel myself drowned in unnamed sorrow and darkness.

Letter to Nyonba [5th December 2002]
I don’t feel very well and I don’t find any greater relief than writing to you. I was perfectly fine a moment back but now an instant later, I find myself brooding over a mood of unknown sorrow. I don’t feel well emotionally.

I am very happy of the decision you have made. There can’t be greater nobler thing. And there can’t be a person like you in million who can take up that life (TRNT). Even I am very interested in it. The melancholy I am experiencing right now can be attributed to this – I always feel that unshed sadness whenever I get to think deep into life. To know that everything is a vanity. Everything is futile. Everything is impermanent. And yet to find myself in the same position. Sometimes I say there is no use to fret over and contemplate. It can’t be helped still. I am now starting to read “The Monk and the Philosopher”.You will soon hear how I feel.
Yeah I really feel that I don’t need to worry about what others think about me. Who has time to care about what account other people have about him? There is not enough time to run after an empty sack. If there was a way to find time, everyone needs it. There is no moment to lose time. People say that it is matter of reputation for girls. But who is worried about the reputation? I would better care about my character that I would carry along with my soul. I would rather judge myself than judge others. I sometime feel that I don’t need to explain everything I do to the world or the world will be a heap of what one does! To soothe oneself, it is better to care less about other’s opinions. I might sound harsh but that is really what I feel.

And again you might find what I am writing quite a contrary to what I am doing. But if I can trust myself, and give myself time, I can really prove what I am saying. I will be lying if I say I am not playing, as life is all a game. It is all about winning and losing. I find myself in a series of chained network of comical torturesome, sufferable, laughable state. I bought them myself. I have no one to blame. I shouldn’t deny that I do enjoy it sometimes when the natural passion of youth comes up and cover the well reasoned truths underneath. But I can surely say this will not block my way. My dream is completely different to this. If my work can give some touch of love and care to the human lot, I will satisfy myself serving them. Otherwise, I will take a turn, look back, give a glance and make them a history. I will start everything anew. I will walk with a purpose and work with determination. I will not let my being go waste. Marriage was never my final end to life and it still isn’t. You know them very well by now.

When I think of life and find myself sitting here doing nothing, I feel sick at heart. What am I doing? Waiting for luck? Is there such a thing as luck and time? More than living, I am being dragged along. I do want to challenge. I want to do something I am forbidden. There is no rule set against anything. I have the freedom to choose what I want to do and who I want to be.
[This is a letter I wrote when I was all pulled in by the force of spiritualism and found everything in life futile. It was written under a very strong emotion of wanting to leave behind this world and pursue spiritual studies.]